Help :-(

[Jennymailen]

Hi everyone... I really can't see a light at the end of this tunnel... My partner of 12 years came home from work one day and out of the blue told me he didn't love me anymore and he couldn't "do this" anymore... He walked away from 2 children, a mortgage, nice car and a loyal honest woman.. :-( he's acting like he doesn't know me... I'm am 100 per cent sure there isn't anyone else at the moment.. People keep telling me there must be but I seem to know his every move and the bonus of the kids face timing him on his phone.. Lol... Does this really happen?? Do people just fall out of love one day and throw everything away?? I'm a believer in talking and trying to sort things out. I'm totally devestated, being sick, not eating hardly anything.... Will this get better??? :-(

[badinage]

Oh that sucks about the kids. Poor little mites . What have you both told them about what's happening? I'd strongly support the counselling for them because sometimes kids need someone outside the family who isn't caught up with the upset of it all, to whom they can vent.

You need a solicitor pronto.

[Sparklyboots]

Oh, x-post, I see that things aren't so secure. A solicitor is in order, no? An appointment with the CAB? It seems very unfair to keep you guessing, because of the instability it implies for your children. Is it even possible to 'take your name off the mortgage'? I wouldn't have thought you can just ring up and have someone removed from it.

Sort out your housing as a priority - perhaps a solicitor's letter initiating a discussion about how to handle it? It doesn't sound like your conversations are constructive or reassuring at the moment and you and the children deserve to have the question of housing answered. So it seems wise to start a formal, legal conversation about it all.

[Sparklyboots]

Perhaps you could speak to the CAB about what other support you are entitled to apart from that your ex-P is liable for? But get your housing situation sorted and agreed.

Def support the children in couselling, no matter how close you are there will be aspects of this situation which they'll find difficult to discuss with you and other family members. Poor lamb, taking on all the worry of the world about this, she sounds like she's feeling very destabilised. Have you got other family members who can come and help out with the children? Being surrounded by lots of people who will continue to love and support them whatever happens between their parents might be good for your DC right now.

[Jennymailen]

I know its such a mess... I have lots if people supporting us.. The children get taken out by family members and my mum is staying with me every night until I get back into a routine of not having him here. Plus when I need to take 5 minutes in the garden she's there with them always

[badinage]

So what have you or him told the kids?

Are you going to find a lawyer?

[Sparklyboots]

Oh, good OP, glad you are getting some support. This bit - where everything is up in the air and nothing makes sense - will change, you know. It feels messy because nothing is fixed or agreed - I bet you'll feel better when there are some concrete agreeements in place.

Sometimes the pain of the change itself goes and you find you are actually all right - I think it's fair to hope that you might find that, given that you know it wasn't great in the end... But for now, just concentrate on getting a sense of stability, - now you know what won't be happening, take action on what can and will happen wrt housing, contact, finances, etc.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry to hear the kids are badly affected - what have you told them?

I really do hope he will fulfil his responsibilities with regards to the DC and maintenance - have a look at this: useful link

[Jennymailen]

I told the kids on my own first that their dad was going to live with their nan because we didn't want to live together anymore.. Then he picked them up that evening and took them out and spoke to them saying he will always love them and just doesn't love me anymore... They are just up and down at the moment.. He is meant to be seeing them tonight and I'm actually really nervous about it. They will be all happy around him I expect then be on their downers when they have to come home without him

[Orchidlady]

Morning jenny how are you today? Re the kids they will get used to things quite quickly and learn to adapt. When X left my 12 year old suddenly did not want to go to school saying he was "ill" just a bit truamatised really. ( he is so much better now) X thought it appropriate to say he was just acting up to upset me, the dick. DS1 who is 21 wants nothing to do with him, apparently DS1 is self centred, oh pot kettle black me thinks. Anyway you see men boys like yours and mine are happy to swan off and think of no one else but themselves and absolve themselves of all responsibilities. Keep focusing on you and the kids

[Jennymailen]

I'm feeling anger today.. It's just so wrong the way his family are acting now.. Helping him buy stuff and decorating his flat for him. My eldest is starting her mentoring at school today so hopefully that helps her out

[Orchidlady]

jenny your daughter will be fine.Not much you can do about his family, tis only to be expected. I heard people advising that X should try and take 1/2 of the house. Funny mortgage in my name and he has not paid into it for 12 years. Strange ideas people have, don't take it personally. So try and think of something fun to do this weekend for you and the kids

[Jennymailen]

I've just spoken to him about him seeing the kids tomorrow he has so much hate in him.. I said so many people have said there must be another woman and he said he never ever wants another woman again cos they are head fxxxs... I actually believe him.. I've never heard so much hate for him against women.. He wishes he had never bought the house we have and he never wants a relationship with anyone again... Wow... What on earth did I do so wrong to him? I swear he has had some kind of breakdown

[Jennymailen]

Also... Can he take the kids to his new flat if he won't tell me exactly where it is?? I can find out easily but it's the fact he won't actually tell me.. Is there any kind of legal thing that doesn't allow the children to go somewhere if the other party isn't happy about not knowing where they are staying?

[Orchidlady]

I have heard this script. (X said exactly about never wanting anyone again, but he is mentally ill) Don't know about legal but I would not allow my kids to go somewhere unless I knew the address. Sure others will advise you differently

[Jennymailen]

I am blaming myself now.. He has so much hate so it was obviously me.. Yes I am normal tho (I think) my life revolved around him... Looking back I suppose I tried to hard to make him love me

[Orchidlady]

Oh jenny these are all normal feelings it is such early days. I would suspect he is displaying guilt not hate. I have learn't you can not make someone love you. Could kids not go you his parents for 1st visit until flat thing resolved?

[Jennymailen]

He's only taking them out for an hour or so for a walk down the seafront I think.. I want to go with them :-( I want to enjoy time seeing my children happy with him :-(

[badinage]

Your kids have received conflicting messages and so it's no wonder there is confusion as well as upset. I'd suggest popping into their schools and talking to someone about what's been happening. I think it's a bit trite to assume they'll be fine; they clearly aren't fine especially your eldest.

It would also concern me that someone who you think is having a mental breakdown and who seems to hate women, is going to be seeing them tomorrow if only for an hour. You absolutely mustn't go but I think they'll need a lot of cuddles and reassurance when they come back and the opportunity to ask you any questions they might have. But please resist the urge to pump them for information about your ex.

You really must get some legal advice, but AFAIK it's absolutely standard for parents to require the address of where their kids are staying. But there really is a reason for him not wanting you to know it, because with-holding it defies logic unless you've been violent and abusive towards him in the past.

[Jennymailen]

Yeah I totally understand that.. If I moved address he would want to know where his kids are. The school are dealing with the children and they are involved in their mentoring programme already

[Jennymailen]

He's picking them up in an hour :-( I'm really nervous and feel sick :-(

[moonabove]

His feelings of hate for women are his feelings and no fault of yours. He will have to deal with it and whatever else is washing round his head.

It is so sad for your relationship to end like this, I think one day he will bitterly regret how he has behaved but that's another thing that is no fault of yours.

Hope you are okay this evening, you must feel very raw and vulnerable but I think you are being so strong. Adding my ((hugs)) as well.

[Jennymailen]

Awful :-( I need a stiff drink