Help :-(

[Jennymailen]

Hi everyone... I really can't see a light at the end of this tunnel... My partner of 12 years came home from work one day and out of the blue told me he didn't love me anymore and he couldn't "do this" anymore... He walked away from 2 children, a mortgage, nice car and a loyal honest woman.. :-( he's acting like he doesn't know me... I'm am 100 per cent sure there isn't anyone else at the moment.. People keep telling me there must be but I seem to know his every move and the bonus of the kids face timing him on his phone.. Lol... Does this really happen?? Do people just fall out of love one day and throw everything away?? I'm a believer in talking and trying to sort things out. I'm totally devestated, being sick, not eating hardly anything.... Will this get better??? :-(

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Jenny - he checked out of the relationship ages ago, that's why he does not feel any attachment to his house and the life he had with you and DC.

You have just been landed with this devastating bombshell and is trying to come to terms with it - this will take a while but knowing that there is an OW will help you realise its HIM and his issues/flaws NOT you.

The petty fights, the selfishness, the dislike of having to pull his weight (and blaming you for nagging) etc are all clues - cheaters are selfish entitled people who think they are justified to behave in this way.

The best thing you can do is to detach and not contact him unless its about childcare/access. The only thing that motivates people like him is LOSS. Please don't stroke his ego by begging him and sending him pics etc - he has already moved on.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Also what did he do to try to make it work? to make your lives more interesting and fun? did he suggest outings? did he invest any time and energy in his relationship with you?

I bet he didn't.

[Jennymailen]

Yes he did.. I thought things seemed to be getting better.. We bought a new sofa.. Going out together a bit more.. We were at family occasions for the past 2 weekends before he left.. My mum said to me this morning... "I wish u would stop crying. I remember u ringing me up saying u were dredding him coming home when u were with him" this is doing my head in.. One minute I'm thinking about the happy times and memories and the next minute I'm thinking about all the negative and start to feel better.... Really hope this gets better soon..... Anyone feel free to add me on Facebook... I vented on there a lot but deleted it all... U lot can sort me out if I do

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Are you saying that things were better for two weeks before he left? I wonder if he knew he was going to leave and thought he would put in an appearance at these family events to make him look good? By going out together a bit more, does that means he took you out for romantic meals?

Tell us more about the negative stuff. Why were you dreading him coming home?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

(and don't do FB - its a very bad idea to post personal stuff for all and sundry to see )

[Jennymailen]

He was just grumpy and didn't seem happy I suppose.. It was like it for months.. He said he hasn't loved me for ages.. He took me to twickenham to watch rugby in February.. Bought the sofa in January.. Booked a holiday in February... It's just strange... My mum thinks he's had some kind of breakdown or early mid life crisis???

[MadAboutHotChoc]

When was the last time he seemed happy?

So he took you to watch rugby and bought a sofa - and you count these as proof that he was making an effort? what about romance/couples time?

[Charbon]

This man doesn't sound in the least bit depressed, but even if he was that would not preclude an affair. In fact people who are depressed are far more likely to choose an affair and the artificial high of it, to ease their depression. But it's not a case of it being depression or an affair. Often you have both.

Like I said, what sometimes happens is that the secret other relationship ends and they want to come back home and re-commit to their marriages. This only ever works when there is honesty about the other relationship, what happened and who ended it. And if depression has been a factor in the infidelity (it will only be one factor though, not its sole cause) treatment is sought. The infidelity still has to be dealt with though and must not be ignored or put down to 'illness'.

It's unfortunately very common for men to be welcomed back with open arms without truth or honesty and for the whole process to repeat a few months or years down the line.

[Orchidlady]

jenny my X left 7 weeks ago. The week before he left he bought me lovely valentines pressies, was talking about our planned holidays, how much he wanted to make things work. Still no evidence of OW and in fact the more I detach ( thanks for all on here) the more he seems to be getting bitter and thinks he has made a mistake, too late for me now. I would have had him back in a shot early days but started to see him as the pathetic person he he. The Mid life crisis, oh my god just keep reading it over and over again. Like you I felt utterly wretched, but it does get better, I promise. I still have bad days but am moving on with my life. Took DS to B&B last weekend and actually had a good time. All you can do is keep busy, take each day as it comes, talk and cry on people close in RL, oh and the odd cheeky helped me. Keep posting on here you will get so much support

[Jennymailen]

Thankyou orchidlady... That really helps a lot.. It's just awful how they act and don't want to have any part of their old life.. It's everyone affected.. My parents did everything for him and he won't even talk to them now. Our friends he seems to ignore more apparently..he is like a different person and I do actually hate him more now its kicking in how he's done this.. I'm glad your pain is getting easier.. I'm praying my dies soon x

[Jennymailen]

Thankyou orchidlady... That really helps a lot.. It's just awful how they act and don't want to have any part of their old life.. It's everyone affected.. My parents did everything for him and he won't even talk to them now. Our friends he seems to ignore more apparently..he is like a different person and I do actually hate him more now its kicking in how he's done this.. I'm glad your pain is getting easier.. I'm praying my dies soon x

[NeverMindOhWell]

OP, this is an unbearable time for you, I'm sorry. My DH did something similar a couple of years ago, we met and married young (although only had kids after 5 years of marriage). At the time everyone was telling me there must be another woman, I couldn't believe it as he was always such a devoted husband/dad, plus he is a school teacher so not much opportunity for that. I only found out via his email, flirty emails to Ow during school time and school trips planned as such they would supervise together.

As it turned out, the MLC was the catalyst for the affair, the affair was a symptom of a deeper problem. I threw him out for about a month, it is important to try to retain some control of your life and remember it is kit as much YOUR decision to have him back as it is HIS. I know it's hard, but don't sit around reminiscing, hoping and praying he will come back. You really need to try to continue with life, see friends, do hobbies, get some exercise whatever makes you feel good.

After a couple of weeks I was actually beginning to enjoy doing everything my way without having to consider his needs! I actually made a list of positives is he really didn't want to be with me anymore!

I am not saying it will be easy and there of course will be times you feel low. At the moment you are in shock and like me, will probably be desperate to have him back and just get your life back to normal. But if he really wants out, you may as well let him go as the last thing you want is someone who feels "forced" to be around.

As it turned out my DH and I stayed together but a LOT Of things had to change (on both our parts). I still don't know whether I will ever trust him 100% again, and possibly even stronger is the feeling that he might up and leave us all suddenly, out of the blue like he did that last time. He swears it'll never happen again but I never expected it to happen the first time.

So do you really want to love like that? Could it be you're better off without him? I'm not saying you are, it's just a thought.

[drivinmecrazy]

Wow sqib you have given me complete clarity and a clearer understanding of what DH & I jave experienced recently. I came home after a few days with my Mum to find DH telling me it was all over, completely out of the blue (for me & all who know us)).
Fortunately we were able to talk through those days, thanks to fantastic friends who supported us and took our DDs away from the situation. You have articulated so much of what he was trying to express.

We came within a hares breath of losing a 20 year relationship. A relationship that people have since told us has been their shining ray of hope.

Subsequently DH has been to see doctor and is now awaiting an appointment with a hormone specialist because the GP believes the depression is linked with his decreasing hormone levels.

Had I posted on MN during those first 24 hours, I am in no doubt the problems would have been categorized as typical LTB, OW involved etc. So glad I didnt because I did start to listen to him and he began to speak, we took ourselves out of our comfort zones and dealt with all kinds of minor & major issues. DH felt undervalued, ignored & completely disregarded in our home.

It's taken a heck of a lot of work, and continues to. But there was no OW, he just felt so over whelmed, under valued and most of all, sad. I was just too busy, concentrating on DDs to notice.

Since that time, friends have expressed to us how upset they were seeing what we went through. We could not see that what we have is so fantastic and extra ordinary.

We do now

It's not always an OW!!!

[Orchidlady]

Jenny same with my X, will not talk to family ( known for 20 years) no contact with friends, just stepped out of our lives. Apparently he is down the local making a complete tit out of himself, I have gone from complete anguish, to angry to pity, you will go through all these emotions. Things started getting better for me when I realised that no matter what I did or said it would change nothing. And started making plans that did not include him. keep busy try and eat a little, do stuff with the kids and keep posting

[badinage]

Of course, some people never find out there's an OW, which is a different proposition to there never having been one. Lots of people don't want to find out there's an OW even if it's obvious, so they don't go looking for clues and have a tendency to believe everything they are told. Because if they had to face that and deal with it - and other people knew about it - they'd have to leave the relationship. So denial is a price to pay for that.

[Jennymailen]

I can't believe how lovely and honest u all are.. U always thinks you're the only one in the world going through it.. Yeah now he's back on his home ground with all his old friends I know he will be down the local making a fool out of himself as well... I was always there to pick up the pieces of his childish behaviour but won't be anymore.. They will soon get fed up with him.. I think the thought of him rejecting me and not wanted to talk to me just makes me angry and more hungry to make him talk to me.. I'm so glad I found this site so I'm just gonna vent on here instead of texting him and thinking about him

[drivinmecrazy]

But badinage equally there are other reasons relationships fail which do not have to include affairs. There are a myriad of reasons personal relationships fail. There just seems to be a larger proportion of women on MN claiming it must be a third person. Not always helpful.
Am sure if we all looked closely at our relationships we can almost always conjure behavior or patterns that may indicate an affair but turn out to have mundane explanations.
My DH does not always take or return my calls during his work day. he also comes home at different and unpredictable times most days.
God forbid I go away for 6 weeks in the summer and cannot always get him on our house phone. Doesn't mean he's having an affair.
Maybe you think I'm in denial to!

[Orchidlady]

Exactly drivin my ex is a self entitled, alcoholic with MH issues but I still firmly believe there is no OW, I am pretty sure since he found out I went on a date and going away at the weekend if there was he would have taken great glee in telling me. jenny no texting or calling, I made this mistake and made myself like an idiot. Let him make make a fool out of himself, people will be laughing at him not with him, I know this the case for my x, I actually feel embarrassed

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Many affairs remain undiscovered.

I wouldn't have found out about DH's affair either if it wasn't for MN advising me to do a bit of digging around - I was so sure he wasn't and put it all down to his work stress and my nagging/controlling behaviour so it came as a huge shock to us (close friends and family members had no idea either).

It is very very rare for a male cheater to suddenly leave his family and home comforts for no apparent reason.

Depression, feeling undervalued, old, disregarded etc are all issues and vulnerabilities that are often found in cheaters who chose to self medicate by having an affair.

I would keep an open mind.

[AnyFucker]

OL,, would now be a good time to tell you that I am actually proud of you

[Orchidlady]

oh thank you any takes a little bow see jenny if you read my threads about 6 weeks ago and see how I am now, I truely understand how you feel I was there but little steps

[badinage]

Yep drivin I'm going to be honest and say I do think there might be a bit of denial going on in your case, but you're not the only one on this thread I think that about. There's the one who acknowledged there was an OW when her husband threatened to bail but it 'was nothing serious'

It just seems to me that these blokes use depression as a get-out-of-jail free card for all manner of fucknuggetry, including affairs. I'm not saying they aren't depressed, but not everyone who's depressed treats it as a licence to behave atrociously to their partners, threatening to leave them and issuing demands about how many hoops their wives have got to jump through just to have the privilege of them sticking around.

If a bloke announces he's leaving after you've been away for a few days and it's the first time you've heard anything about his alleged misery and unhappiness, then the best thing to do is to cover all bases and find out whether there's someone else. Because that's statistically a much likelier cause than just depression or unhappiness on its own. If your car suddenly spluttered and stopped, you'd check whether there was petrol in it. If an appliance stopped working, you'd check the power source. This is much the same, but for some reason which I'll never understand, some women don't want to face infidelity or even rule it out. They'd rather blame themselves for everything.

If you did no checking yourself and you were just relying on his say-so that there was no-one else, you've no way of knowing whether there was an OW or not. All you can say is that you believe there wasn't. If on the other hand you checked phones, laptops, phone bills and bank statements and still no-one showed up, that's a different matter.

[badinage]

Oh and don't think this is just MN that thinks this. Or that this is projection. Like others I've never known a bloke with kids in real life leave unless there's someone else (even if she does sometimes 'appear' a little way down the line) and I've been happily married for yonks to a bloke who's never done any of this stuff.

[badinage]

But I will share that it makes me so angry when these blokes lie through their teeth, get the stepford wife treatment from a frightened woman who doesn't want to lose them and in the end get rewarded for screwing around with some doozy who either had the good sense to dump them or wouldn't leave her own unsuspecting partner.

[Orchidlady]

Don't want to take over thread but in my case it makes no difference now whether OW or not. he has gone and got to deal with that and get on with life, dwelling on whether he shagging some else does not help. fwiw he is bragging down the pub how stunning I am, ok then Just making a point that it really is not always the case.