Help :-(

[Jennymailen]

Hi everyone... I really can't see a light at the end of this tunnel... My partner of 12 years came home from work one day and out of the blue told me he didn't love me anymore and he couldn't "do this" anymore... He walked away from 2 children, a mortgage, nice car and a loyal honest woman.. :-( he's acting like he doesn't know me... I'm am 100 per cent sure there isn't anyone else at the moment.. People keep telling me there must be but I seem to know his every move and the bonus of the kids face timing him on his phone.. Lol... Does this really happen?? Do people just fall out of love one day and throw everything away?? I'm a believer in talking and trying to sort things out. I'm totally devestated, being sick, not eating hardly anything.... Will this get better??? :-(

But the point is that you can never know that and be completely definite about it. All you have is a belief, which isn't the same as knowledge. Some beliefs are more informed than others, that's all.

Well if there is anyone else involved she is hiding very well... And she will have to remain hiding for a very long time... I really really don't think there is tho.. I'm not in denial and if I did even think it I would have made the thread about it.. I wanted to know if there is an end to this feeling really.. But I really appreciate your feed back.. Although it did make me think.. I checked his phone bill.. I checked his emails, I checked his phone that he uses and only picked up on Sunday.. I copied all the numbers and checked them out against phone bill... If he was I'm sure he would have had the sense to take the phone and the bill?? I just don't think he would be stupid enough to involve another woman when he knows I'd find out in our small town and make their lives very difficult (I'm not a psycho btw) I think the fact he was young when he met me and the constant pressure of bills, mortgage, money, having to answer to me etc got too much for him.. He isn't very good with pressure... He's very immature and does usually flip out at things.. Talking to my mate today and all I did was slag off our life the past year and slag him off... She made me realise we were not really happy. He had no interest in making the house nicer,, he no interest in family life really.. He must have generally been trying to be happy but it got too much

Yep because he's likely to have a Pay as You Go affair phone that's why.

It's good that you're realising he's been a drain and has never really stepped up to the mark.

How come you don't know where he is living? Hasn't he given you an address?

I know where he is living.

Yes he's with mummy isn't he? But you didn't seem to know for sure where this flat that's miraculously appeared is located. You were assuming it was his old mate's but you didn't seem to know.

Yeah he's with his mum.. Yes I've seen his good friend is moving back in with his girlfriend funny enough.. It's a small village where he is so I know exactly where there are flats etc.. I will know where it is when he obviously has the kids. He can't exactly hide it

Well, the more you post, the less 'out of the blue' it sounds, OP. It sounds like you were both quite unhappy for a while. I left an eight year relationship in the same way and exP thought it was out of the blue, whereas to me it was on the cards for months, if not years.

ExP.later.saw the truth of that and thanked me for doing what he never would have 'had the courage for'. We're on good terms now, both happily settled with other people.

We didn't have children but really, my children is why I left, I couldn't let myself have children inside a relationship where we were 'just getting on with it' - I wanted to model something more fulfilling than that. I'm not stupid - I didn't want the fairy tale -but I did want something which enhanced my/ my partner's life, just as a base line.

It was a tough split- we both had periods of not wanting to let go, but it was ultimately the right thing for us both. I have a little boy and another child on the way, and the relationship they are coming into Isn't perfect but it is always growing, we all continue to grow inside of it. And I think that's what you need as a bottom line, really, that's what I was looking for when I left ExP thinking there was more to life than what we had.

There was no affair. I did go through a thing of really fancying another man but didn't pursue it cos I thought-correctly- that it was just a symptom of the fact my own relationship was in trouble.

I just wanted to add this and offer a perspective on what can end a relationship without an affair. And say that the more you post the more you seem to fit this picture. Seems like there is a determination to prove your DH is having an affair, which does read a bit obsessive TBH. My thought would be, does it matter at this stage? You sound finished with the relationship yourself, when you are talking about its reality.

Even fundamentally great decisions like this though are painful, it leave you spun out and feeling bereft of a future because all your plans were with him. So one step a time, I say, first get your practicalities in order- go to the CAB and work through the financial implications of the split with them. They'll be able to advise you of your H' s obligations and your own options for support. Then get back on th phone with your mate, tell her your plans and secure a bit of handholding. I'd also suggest writing a list of things you couldn't have done with him in tow that you might like to try, but it's early days...

Yeah maybe we were not happy but I would have been willing to try.. We just "got on with it" I suppose.. It's just so sad.. I wish my brain would switch off.. I've text him about the kids tonight twice an he just doesn't acknowledge me at all.. Even tho its about the kids.. I'm not begging him back or anything.. It was purely about the kids :-(

Stop texting him, Jenny

You are demeaning yourself. He isn't interested, love.

I know :-( I'm just peed off he doesn't want me anymore.. How can he not want me??? I think I'm quite a catch myself

I am sure you are.

Let him go, find someone else.

Yep drivin I'm going to be honest and say I do think there might be a bit of denial going on in your case, but you're not the only one on this thread I think that about. There's the one who acknowledged there was an OW when her husband threatened to bail but it 'was nothing serious'

The 'one' you're referring to is me, I believe. He threatened to bail because he was overwhelmed by life generally; he has done it a number of times in his life previously, just walked out and moved on. This time he has finally faced his responsibilities, and we are working things out together. There is much talk of a 'mid life script' and I saw some evidence of that but there also seems to be, on occasion, a MN LTB script too. I'm sure it helps lots of people but ultimately, it doesn't always fit.

It's different when women leave. They often do so to be on their own.

Not so with immature mummys boys who don't like being grown-ups.

But it's true it doesn't matter either way if you were unhappy. In fact sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.

As you're not married, have you had any legal advice yet? Do you own your home? What have you agreed so far about money and how he sees the kids?

Do stop texting him. If he wanted to know about the kids, he would contact you or them. You said upthread that he'd been in lots of contact with them anyhow so keep facilitating that but start accepting that your personal relationship with him is over.

Make sure that as soon as he moves into this flat, he shares the childcare and make sure he makes a fair financial contribution towards their upkeep.

I wish you luck AL, but did you do any checking behind the scenes to see if there was an OW, or did you just trust him that there wasn't?

I check and double check! Think it will take a whole for that to stop. We still have work to do but things are massively improved.

I think he's probably not responding to the texts about the DC because he suspects you are looking for a way into a converstation about you two or that you are trying to apply indirect pressure.

Honestly, the only way out of this is forward. Even if you really, really want to get back together and give it another go with him, he's unlikely to want that while you are fixated upon bringing him back.

I'd bet that at least some of your horror is related just to the enormity of the change of thinking about yourself, your family and your future that this requires. But honestly engaging with that change and starting to think of him as your ExH, starting to think about how you and the children will live, starting to think about how you will approach co-parenting with him not in the house is the most helpful, most loving thing you could do for yourself right now. You will achieve literally nothing by picking away at the slightest possilibilty that this is a hiccough. If it seems like an insurmmountable adjustment that you have to make, take it in small steps - what could you do tomorrow? How will you manage for this week, this day?

The sooner you start focusing on things you can take action on, like getting financial advice or thinking about how you will manage the children in all of this, the sooner you will start to heal. But sending him texts, trying to get something out of him that he's just not willing to give, that is prolonging your agony, it's prolonging this feeling of limbo where you don't know what's going on and your future is full of unknowns. Since he can't provide the answers you want, you are going to have to take charge of your own fate. Have you got people in RL who can come over for some handholding? How are the children taking it? Can you get any help with supporting them from family, etc.?

I'm just so confused.. Yes I'm sorting my financial stuff out.. Hopefully I can take on the mortgage as its only a small one.. It's going to be a struggle but if he "plays" properly and doesn't fiddle books like he says he will i should be ok.. We only had 10 years left on the mortgage and the house would have been ours... We were not married and it takes away all the legal stuff of he has to pay mortgage until the kids are 18 now.. That's all I wanted really

Well I just hope you haven't been jumping through any hoops to get him to stay with you AL and that you're thinking about your own needs in all this and not just his flakiness when life overwhelms him again. Fact is, there aren't too many mums who bail out when life gets a bit tough are there, leaving their husbands to look after the kids while they have yet another 'episode'? If he's stayed, I wouldn't have thought there was much going on now with anyone else, but I hope you backdated your checks to just before he threatened to leave. And I hope that he is taking full responsibility for sorting himself out. Is he in therapy?

I have racked my brains and everything I could to check about another woman... I really can't see anything... BUT u never know... Cheaters are clever I know but I really don't think this is the case and I will hold my hands up on here and salute the people saying it is, when And if do find out... Which I will

Was he saying he was going to fiddle the books to pay you less then Jenny?

If so, legal advice is a must.

Put the OW stuff to one side now Jenny. As you say the truth will out and at least now you'll be rightfully suspicious if a 'new' woman gets unveiled within the next couple of months.

Focus on you, the kids and the money now.

The children are quite bad.. School rang me today and want them to start seeing their in school counsellor.. I've agreed and hope this will help them. My 10 year old sobbed in the playground this morning saying she's worried about everything.. It's just heartbreaking. My main focus is on keeping my precious children happy that thought mummy and daddy would be together forever my emotions take a back seat until they are at school and in bed.. Then I think, get upset, angry, anxiety and come on here and ramble on

Yes he's threatened cutting days at work, getting paid cash on hand etc etc... One day he says he will help and pay the mortgage and then the next he's saying "get my name off the mortgage" it's like he's got split personality... He originally said he will not see the kids without a roof over their heads and then next minute he's saying sell the house and I can move in with my parents????? We have just finished the kids bedrooms before Xmas and spent x amount making their bedrooms perfect and I'm so scared I'm going to lose their home

Good that you feel financially secure in the house. What did you mean when he said 'fiddle the books' though - has he indicated that he will try and get out of his financial responsibility? If so, it might best to get to a soliciter ASAP. Also, take photocopies/ screen shots of bankstatements etc. so if he does try to hide assets you have proof of his financial solvency. I'm sure there are lots of MNers who can advise you about this but one of the commonest things is to advise a person to get records of the status of everything in the months leading to the split, so if it does get a bit difficult you have evidence of why you think he's fiddling.

What about the children? How have they taken it all? Is there anything lovely you can plan for yourself and them to cheer you all up a bit at the weekend? Have you talked to them about how they might like to have contact with their dad?

What about you? What would help you right now? A night out with ExP looking after the children? A weekend with your family? A couple of hours to go for a walk or have a soak in the bath while you dream up a list of wild things to do when the children are with their dad for the weekend? Anything that will keep you off the texts and focused on making this moment, this day okay for you and the children given that your exP is no longer part of that.

Well so far csa say I can get £90 a week off him.. He works for his uncle so I'm sure he will help him out and stitch me up.. Oh don't worry... I've kept all his wage slips from this year and I even kept a few from last year and the year before