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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ignores me and two of the children

74 replies

Infestedwithcats · 13/02/2013 19:59

For several weeks now he has not spoken to me or eldest son, 19, or daughter, 15. (He stopped speaking to me because I mimicked one of the incessant grunting noises he makes, I have a condition called misophonia. He does occasionally speak to middlest lad. He does not speak to his mother or any of his 4 siblings. I used to cry and beg him to explain what I had done wrong, but now it's extended to the children. He used to be abusive and oh I don't know why I am writing this, unless I just want an adult to speak to me. I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits. Someone tell me a joke at least ! I can believe I am deserving of the silence, but he surely shouldn't totally blank his children?

OP posts:
willybreeder · 13/02/2013 20:01

Soooo, what are his good points?

pepperrabbit · 13/02/2013 20:03

What do you tell the kids about his behaviour?

deleted203 · 13/02/2013 20:07

I'm wondering why on earth you are still with this prat. He occasionally speaks to your middle lad. Father of the Year, then. I'd be worried about the damage he was doing to his 15 yo daughter, to be honest, with this behaviour. It's weird and abusive. And no one is deserving of silence. I'd tell him to fuck off.

TheFallenNinja · 13/02/2013 20:08

Used to be abusive?

mummytime · 13/02/2013 20:09

Why is he still there? Go and see a solicitor. Phone Women's aid, this is abuse.

ihearsounds · 13/02/2013 20:14

You do know you don't have to stay with the fuckwit?
Just because he is dad, doesn't mean you have to remain forever with him.

thepixiefrog · 13/02/2013 20:39

Why do you think you deserve the silent treatment? Nobody ever deserves to be ignored!

When your DC get married, if one of them was being treated like this, would you ever think they deserved it?

He still IS abusive, he's just changed his tactics. Your DC will either learn that they are unworthy of respect by being treated like this and fall into abusive relationships repeatedly as adults, OR they will learn to treat their loved ones the way your DH does.

Get them away from him.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 13/02/2013 20:46

Yes, he still is abusive.

He is the joke.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2013 20:47

he used to be abusive ?

you have your tenses muddled up

Ahhhcrap · 13/02/2013 20:49

Even if you are an annoying fuckwit (which I doubt) that doesn't deserve what he's doing to you!

You do know that by ignoring you and your dc's like this, it's still abuse..

defineme · 13/02/2013 20:52

Your lives would be infinitely better if you didn't live with him.
Can you imagine the blissful lack of tension?
Can you imagine your dc relaxed and unworried about him?

If you tell us the practical reasons that are preventing you from leaving then we can advise you on those.

ThatVikRinA22 · 13/02/2013 20:52

he sounds very very odd - so he is systematically giving everyone the cold shoulder but you are expected to live with it and so are the children?

i would be consulting a solicitor - im pretty sure this must constitute unreasonable behaviour - would he talk to you if you handed him a divorce petition?

i would.
and if he doesnt talk then its probably a blessing. i wouldnt live like that - it must be so soul destroying and its just not normal for your children to live with a parent who is abusive and gives them the silent treatment with no explanation!

thepixiefrog · 13/02/2013 21:03

My SD did this to us when he was sulking with my DM, up to 4 months of silence! He used to see us as extensions of her rather than individuals with separate thoughts and feelings, all very odd.

When confronted about it when the silence was finally broken he claimed to be 'just keeping out of the way'!

Is your DH their DF?

Original poster
Infestedwithcats · 13/02/2013 21:08

I know, it is bloody stupid, and damaging, but I am so nervous. You all make good points, but I am not financially independent, I wonder if I would get help with rent if I moved out? Sorry, that sounds so mercenary

OP posts:
Naoko · 13/02/2013 21:10

You are not deserving of the silence. No one deserves to be treated like that. And he's still abusive. I'm sorry, OP :(

Leave this bastard. You deserve better and so do your DC.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2013 21:10

it is not mercenary at all

you are living with an abuser !

have you taken professional advice from Citizen's Advice Bureau, rung Women's Aid, consulted a solicitor ?

knowledge is power, love

take some power back

no one, in this day and age, should feel forced to stay in a relationship that is damaging them, and damaging their dc's

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType · 13/02/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thepixiefrog · 13/02/2013 21:12

Not mercenary at all, no need to apologise. I bet you spend your whole life saying 'sorry' for every little thing, treading on eggshells.

Once he is out of your life it will amaze you just how good it feels to not have to do that anymore.

Original poster
Infestedwithcats · 13/02/2013 21:16

Dear defineme, you are so tuned in to how I feel; it is really only the practical, financial considerations that are preventing me doing what I know needs to be done, and dear pixiefrog, I had 4 months of silence once, did they resolve their problems? Thank you all, kind people x

OP posts:
thepixiefrog · 13/02/2013 21:24

My DM left last year after 20 years of marriage. He never changed, and she is full of bitterness and hatred because she feels he 'owes' her for 20 years of abuse.she is very happy living alone, incredibly so, but she doesn't seem to get that she could have left at any time during those 20 years, and that she was responsible for protecting us and herself.

She is a very passive person, and will not do anything pro actively. She won't even ask for a favour, she will manipulate the situation so that people will offer to do things for her instead. She thinks he should have been manipulated into behaving properly!

Your dh will never see the light whilst you remain there.

Jux · 13/02/2013 23:36

Please see a solicitor about getting him out of the family home. There is no reason why you should leave, you have children, to whom you speak! You wouldn't leave them behind with him, would you?

No, get a solicitor to advise you. You'll all be far better off without the absive twunt.

drizzlecake · 14/02/2013 07:32

Yes, see a solicitor. Find out exactly where you will stand if you split up. Where you will live, how much maintenance you will be entitled to. What benefits you are entitled to.

Then tell him you want to separate from a confident position. You can't live with a zombie!

Original poster
Infestedwithcats · 14/02/2013 07:36

But my behaviour is bad, because I have spent too much money on food shopping and there is a big overdraft, he started shouting at me last night because of this. Guilty. But he did spend the night in a hotel with an ex-girlfriend about 2 years ago and wouldn't move out of the house when I asked him to, so I reckon I am over-compensating and buying the children whatever food they want...(they are all healthy weights and excercise regularly!) My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I need to woman-up, don't I ?

OP posts:
drizzlecake · 14/02/2013 07:58

You are sunk in the mire of self-blame at the moment (you copied his grunting noises and spent too much on food - really not marriage breaking events).

If you saw a solicitor and planned a new future you might drop all this beating yourself up about the past and start to move on from where you are.

thepixiefrog · 14/02/2013 08:05

'But my behaviour is bad, because I spent too much money on food shopping...'

You sound like a little girl who has been told off for being naughty :-(

You are a woman not a child. He has convinced you that you are 'bad'and deserving of this terrible treatment.

Buying food for your DC's is hardly a crime. If you said 'I have spent too much money on online gambling' he may have reason to be annoyed, but even that behaviour wouldn't merit 4 months of silent treatment.

You are a good person, you are just afraid as he has ground you down. Believe me, you can only feel better with him out of your life.

Call Women's Aid for advice, baby steps.x