Husband ignores me and two of the children

[Infestedwithcats]

For several weeks now he has not spoken to me or eldest son, 19, or daughter, 15. (He stopped speaking to me because I mimicked one of the incessant grunting noises he makes, I have a condition called misophonia. He does occasionally speak to middlest lad. He does not speak to his mother or any of his 4 siblings. I used to cry and beg him to explain what I had done wrong, but now it's extended to the children. He used to be abusive and oh I don't know why I am writing this, unless I just want an adult to speak to me. I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits. Someone tell me a joke at least ! I can believe I am deserving of the silence, but he surely shouldn't totally blank his children?

[BerylStreep]

Hi OP, how did the meeting with the solicitor go last week?

I hope you are ok. Which part of the script is your H reading from this week?

Don't withdraw money from ISA.

[riveroise]

I think the way he is behaving is escalating - he probably realizes that his "money supply" may dry up soon.

I think he's the type who would take as much money as he could from you and then leave you high and dry to pay off the debts.

[cjel]

being kind is strength but what about being kind to yourself and dcs? Could you use your strength to be kind to your dcs and yourself.

[Astelia]

Do not draw any money out of your ISA. Wait until you have some impartial advice from the solicitor on what your next financial move should be before doing anything.

Take details of your financial position with you to the solicitors and start to search out passports and birth certificates and put them in a safe place. You need to start preparing for getting away from this marriage.

[Infestedwithcats]

He must feel quite abandoned because I can't feel any desire. I believed that being kind is being strong, but it seems that some people see kindness as weakness.

[Jux]

Of course, ranting at your wife will have her positively drooling with desire for you. Why are these abusive men so stupid?

Is he at home today?

[Jux]

You overspend because you're trying to fill the hole which should be full of his love and support. As it is, that space is wide open, gaping and desperate. Please don't think you can fill it with his occasional flashes of niceness, which are utterly minimal and cause him little inconvenience.

When he is gone, you can start to love yourself properly and fill that void yourself.

Stand firm! You can do this,and your children's behaviour tells you that they will be a lot happier too.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Hi OP, this nasty, malicious and manipulative man has been working hard for years to destroy your self-confidence. Please tell yourself that you have done nothing to deserve his treatment of you (a normal person, if they felt their partner was overspending, would sit down with them and discuss the issue, not ignore them for four months). The situation is obviously making your chldren extremely unhappy as well, so try to ignore all the rubbish he says and get him out of your lives as quickly as possible. Good luck.

[Infestedwithcats]

I have no family nearby. He was trying to make me change my mind about the solicitor, and says I have today to draw 15K from my ISA which is there to pay off part of mortgage.

[Snazzynewyear]

Definitely go somewhere else if he can't be got out of the house. This is the end of the line. He can't rant and rave at you one minute and expect to have sex with you the next. His treatment of you has been awful. Who cares if divorce is 'fair' to him or not? He's not fair to you!

[tallwivglasses]

Please don't give in and have sex with him. Ignore him when he goes on about the OD. You're spending money because it gives you a little lift in your days of misery. You know it needs addressing but don't beat yourself up about it. Keep that solicitor's appointment in the back of your mind and keep visualising a happy household with your carefree kids - it's up to you to make it happen and you can do it

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Wow. Your children obviously don't like him. Leave him please. Do you have any family near by?

[cjel]

Oh that sounds awful to be afraid of telling dh ds plans for the future, would be lovely if he could encourage ds in his life choice but the thing that bothers me is that you are terrified. PLease don't put yourself or dcs through any more of this. Its not fair on them or you to live with this pressure. I can assure you that the problems you imagine in being on your own are only imagined and that mental peace is worth everything you may be concerned about. To live not being terrified is lovely.

[Damash12]

Leave, leave and leave again!! WHY are you still with this man?? Your life would improve so much if you got out of this torturous relationship.

[Infestedwithcats]

He had been very kind yesterday and most of today, but tonight it's changed. The reason for the change...as far as I can tell, is that he wants sex but I don't. he tried to persuade me and I said my head was not in the right place, right now. And so he says again that I have caused us to be in debt and starts the ranting. I feel like an utter bastard. Daughter has drawn up her own 'change of name' document (she wants my maiden name as her surname). Eldest boy is trying to join army and refuses to tell his father, and I am terrified of his reaction if/when he finds out.

[Jux]

How are you today, infested? Have you managed to make any progress with things? (How many cats are you infested with??!)

[cjel]

I had all the fears you have after 30yrs of ea and dv. Found brilliant solicitor, not cheapest but so good saved money in long run. I used to phone her in tears with the latest threat and she would say things like 'no he can't' 'let him try' etc and gradually over time I was able to have the strength to make choices that
were right for me and I lost the worry being scared or of wanting to take care of him. Although I did go with clean break and not maintenance because of the hassle of prolonging bullying. That was only because I decided I could buy a house and have enough to live off for a few years and it was best for me. Please don't settle for what you don't want because of any tactic he uses to get your sympathy. Take the advice and do what they say - you may think 'he won't do that' but trust me he will.
Stay strong and firm - you know what you want to do.xx

[Jux]

That card is yours. He has no right to take it. Has he given it back?

How would he like it if you did that? (Don't do it, though.)

When are you seeing the solicitor? Early in the week? If not, see if you can get a free half hour with another one too, just to get a quick idea of what you may be able to do immediately. Talk to CAB, Women's Aid. Does he know when your appointment is?

Be prepared for tactics designed to stop you, ie, your house keys disappear, he suddenly has the day off and has arranged something which you must be involved in like a visit from a relative.

[Jux]

That is beyond the pale!!!! How dare he? How very fucking dare he?? He went in your bag, took out your wallet, took the card out of your wallet and forgot to tell you. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf. I can't say anything else because my mind is swamped with HOW FUCKING DARE HE?

[Infestedwithcats]

Now he is being 'nice', wanting cuddles, kisses, and now I find this creepy and far worse than the silence. As I said, there's a big overdraft and today I went to get money and cards for my two boy's birthday- (yay clever me, had em both on same day but two years apart!) and thought oh bugger, must have left debit card in a coat pocket, as I couldn't find it. Turns out he had taken it out of my wallet, maybe yesterday...he forgot when, he forgot to tell me he was taking it off me. But then he is saying 'we can get through this if we stick together'. I said we should have separate bank accounts, split od and I would have to live on what I earned and whatever benefits I was eligible for. Feeling rather sick with worry about finances. Thanks people for your advice. I do think I am largely to blame for the od.

[Jux]

Please do, Infested, cut your losses I mean. It is a demonstration of how hard he will try to twist you by invoking your dear brother's terminal illness (RIP). A normal person would be very careful about telling you something like that, and probably wouldn't mention it at all until they were considerably more sure of it.

If you get your children away from him soon, it will act as an example to them. You can talk to them about how they should not wait long, what signs to look out for etc when you've gone.

It's never too late, Infested.

[fluffiphlox]

I rarely comment on Relationships threads, i have no direct experience of the ghastly relationships that are described, but felt obliged to on this one, GET OUT. It is not normal to stop talking to your family, unless you're 15. This is no example for your children though I fear at the age they are they have already witnessed a bucketful of this behaviour, probably more than is good for them. Cut your losses.

[Somethingtothinkabout]

What a bastard. Well, you can't possibly leave him now that he is definitely going to get CANCER, can you.

What a git of the highest order, saying that to you when your brother has just died with that. So sorry OP.

Textbook abusive and trying to control you, I'd say. xx

[Jux]

Ah, the pity-party has started. Being nasty hasn't worked; being nice hasn't worked; now he's playing on your sympathy.

Remain steadfast, Infested! Keep posting. We're here.

[Infestedwithcats]

Well. I don't know, it seems excessive to me, as he does it when doing any slight movement like putting log on fire, turning screwdriver, things that really don't require much effort. He won't wait until I run out of the room before crunching his toast. I tried to explain about misophonia but he said I have invented it and he has to make the grunting noise because, (and this is new today) he has acid reflux. Which WILL result in oesophagal cancer, (which is co-incidentally what my big brother had, and he died a couple of months ago). However, the grunting has been going on for years.