Husband ignores me and two of the children

[Infestedwithcats]

For several weeks now he has not spoken to me or eldest son, 19, or daughter, 15. (He stopped speaking to me because I mimicked one of the incessant grunting noises he makes, I have a condition called misophonia. He does occasionally speak to middlest lad. He does not speak to his mother or any of his 4 siblings. I used to cry and beg him to explain what I had done wrong, but now it's extended to the children. He used to be abusive and oh I don't know why I am writing this, unless I just want an adult to speak to me. I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits. Someone tell me a joke at least ! I can believe I am deserving of the silence, but he surely shouldn't totally blank his children?

[Infestedwithcats]

Thanks again, everyone x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"But my behaviour is bad, because I have spent too much money on food shopping and there is a big overdraft, he started shouting at me last night because of this"

Nobody's perfect but two wrongs don't make a right. No-one has the right to shout, sulk and make other people's lives miserable. If he's been unfaithful into the bargain then there's not really a lot left to save is there?

Please talk to CAB or a solicitor. As a married woman you may be surprised to find out what your rights and responsibilities are in the event of a split. There is also help available from the state if you were to be a single woman again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I've had CBT and Prozac and I am probably a very annoying fuckwits"

Too many women believe themselves to be depressed and are even diagnosed and treated accordingly when the 'real' problem is often that they are in a depressing environment living with an abusive man that crushes their self-esteem and makes them feel that they are an 'annoying fuckwit'.

[Jux]

Perhaps if his behaviour towards you and the children reflected that you were human beings, showed respect and love, you would not feel the need to compensate through food?

He is an abusive bastard. He needs to leave. Get thee to a solicitor!

[Infestedwithcats]

Solicitor and I meet next week.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You can be very proud of yourself for taking such a concrete and positive step.

[Lueji]

Great. :)

You will be so much happier.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Well done for taking this step op.

[brianbennettfan]

Yep, big 'thumbs-up' for the solicitor visit op and hope you have a reasonable weekend.

[Infestedwithcats]

I have told him that I am consulting solicitor and his reactions were hard to understand...a few minutes of trying to cajole, tears, then turning quickly to sarcasm and then anger, saying I was throwing away what he'd worked years for. I do feel sympathy as he has always worked fairly long hours, and I have of course not worked as much, but I think that's true of most couples with children. I have had my hours cut at work and I am applying for jobs with more days, but it's difficult. He says if we divorce it will be unfair on him, is that right? I said I would look for somewhere else, but he still thinks he'd be the one who suffers financially. He expected me to leave without the children!!!! And

[Lueji]

No, not hard to understand.

He was just following the script every abuser does.

Including the poor, poor him.

[wonderstuff]

Well I guess in divorce you both take a financial hit, running two households is more expensive than one. But really that is no reason to not divorce him, he is making your life and that of your children miserable, you deserve better than that, your children deserve better, you must leave, the emotional damage is greater than the financial loss.

[Lueji]

And when he worked the long hours, who worked taking care of the children and the home?

[Jux]

Exactly, Lueji!

Who did that working long hours thing bringing up the children, doing the house, and all that stuff? Was there a fairy who came every day, or did she just wave a wand at night and everything was perfect in the morning when you all got up? Presumably the children got to and from school by magic too? And you just sat on your bum all day eating peeled grapes?

What planet is that man on? Honestly.

[Jux]

Anyway, yes, he's following the script. He's an abuser and they do exactly what he did. Don't falter if he turns up with flowers, and turns on the charm, will you? It's high time you had your life to yourself, and your children got out from under his little manipulative ways.

Good luck at the solicitor next week.

[FaceLikeAPickledOnion]

Didn't want to read and run. Good luck op, the first steps to a better life! Don't listen to him.

[Infestedwithcats]

This morning I was accused of having an affair ( I am not!) and then only a short time later he is was talking about a weekend away in Spain for just the two of us. Tbh I would rather we were able to do something all together as a family. And although he has said on several occasions that I have ruined his life, and he f**ing hates me, he doesn't want to be without me. Is this how the script goes? Can he be helped? I always end up feeling sorry for him, because deep down he is unhappy and this world is tooooo marvellous not to enjoy it.

[Astelia]

He sounds unhinged OP. Although you might feel sorry for him you are not responsible for his happiness. In any case he doesn't deserve your care as he has ignored you for months at a time, told you he hated you and has now made wild accusations against you. I think he has burnt all his bridges.

You have put up with so much emotional abuse and now you and the DCs need to get away to become the people you really are. Are you safe at the moment?

[Infestedwithcats]

Thanks Astelia, yes, safe x

[Jux]

No, he can't be helped, and he is still following the script. That's why he's being vile one minute and suggesting weekends away the next. He is twisting around all the time inmthe hopes of finding something which will work on you and get you back in your box. If you succeed in getting away from him he will have to spend an lot of time and effort in squashing someone else into the box you've vacated, you see. He doesn't want the bother. He thinks it'll be easier to squash you down, as he's spent years training you to fit. You can't get to that solicitor fast enough, really. Ask how you can get him out of the house; I think that's your priority. Then divorce and all that. Luckily, your kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether - or not - they want contact which will make things a lot easier and less messy.

Please don't fall for any of his attempts at a charm offensive. He'll do it only to being you to heel, and once you've quietened down he'll start being horrible again and worse than before.

You're managing really well. Well done.

[Jux]

Oh, and you can't make him happy. No matter what hoops you jump through for him, there'll always be another one you didn't know anything about which he will have placed there without telling you, just so he can be angry with you.

He will only be happy when you and the children are abject.

[Infestedwithcats]

Thanks Jux and everyone. I once told my CBT lady that I would relish a 'judgement day' in a make-believe court, where all would be laid bare and justice done, I have so little confidence in my own opinions. You are helping me see that I must take control of myself. I am amazed that you people care enough to give me your support and insight into this problem xxx

[Walkacrossthesand]

Incidentally, this 'incessant grunting noise' he makes that started this thread off - is there any chance he's doing it deliberately to wind you up because of your misophonia?

[Infestedwithcats]

Well. I don't know, it seems excessive to me, as he does it when doing any slight movement like putting log on fire, turning screwdriver, things that really don't require much effort. He won't wait until I run out of the room before crunching his toast. I tried to explain about misophonia but he said I have invented it and he has to make the grunting noise because, (and this is new today) he has acid reflux. Which WILL result in oesophagal cancer, (which is co-incidentally what my big brother had, and he died a couple of months ago). However, the grunting has been going on for years.