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Original poster

Advice please about contacting an old boyfriend

101 replies

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 15:12

I'm thinking about contacting an old boyfriend I recently found on FB.

According to his page he is in a relationship. I am single.

I have no wish to cause any problems in his relationship, but I would just like to drop him a line to say hello and just find out how he's doing. I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship.

I'm still not certain that I will send him a message, but any tips on what to say if I do? Keeping in mind that he and his DP may both read each other's FB so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

It's been many, many years and I keep thinking he may not even remember me, but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out Grin

original thread which has long posts by me is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1667231-Feeling-stuck-and-sad-about-the-past

OP posts:
Original poster
StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 22:10

Not aimed at windsocks because he/she is no longer reading, but I'm very curious why so many here are so insecure that they think one FB message is an absolute guarantee to wreck a relationship?

In my relationships I wouldn't have felt threatened if an ex got in touch with my DP. Obviously if they started to escalate things I wouldn't be happy but there's a huge amount of fear coming across in this thread.

OP posts:
DopamineHit · 27/01/2013 22:11

Something pretty similar happened to me a while back (me playing the part of the currently married ex-bf). It was not helpful. That one also kicked off with a 'harmless' "hi how are you?" and - although nothing untoward happened - opening the door was not a good idea.

Look at it this way: if you do nothing the situation is neutral, neither good nor bad. Therefore if you make contact it ought to be in the expectation that it is more likely that good can come of it than bad. It is stretching credibility beyond breaking point to believe that developments are more likely to be positive than negative in a situation such as this.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 27/01/2013 22:12

Oh come on.

There are SO MANY excuses and bizarre ideas in this thread. I've been with my partner for over 5 years. Facebook says that much. We aren't married, but intend to get married, and we live together, although Facebook doesn't show any of that. We just don't feel the need to use it.

Regardless of all that, can't you see that it's clutching at straws? So he might be stringing her along, or they might be madly in love. He might be waiting for something better or they might be planning a wedding or babies or moving house.

He will always be the one that got away. Always. If it was undying love, it wouldn't take random Facebook messages to reunite you. He wouldn't have moved on... This isn't Disney, and he probably isn't moping after something so long ago. The intensity is what made it special and unique, and you should keep that memory unscathed. Because if you chase him, you'll end up embarrassed or broken hearted. It never ends any other way.

I hope you can find peace Op. I just know that this isn't the way to go about getting it, and you sound fragile.

Pinkerl · 27/01/2013 22:14

I do think you want something more. I also recognize that a lot of people have been betrayed through. I say go ahead if you want to, but be very very careful

JustAHolyFool · 27/01/2013 22:15

Don't do it.

VBisme · 27/01/2013 22:17

If my DH ex wanted to catch up on FB that would be fine - and he and I both have exes on our FB, that's fine.

It's the fact that we all know you want more than a quick "hi how are you doing", and if DH had an ex that I KNEW felt like that then damn right I'd be sensitive about it.

Your self delusion is epic!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 27/01/2013 22:18

Maybe you could make peace with yourself and your urges by just making it possible for him to contact you, if he ever thought of you?

Set up a friends reunited page, and make sure your 'old name' is on your Facebook page, if your name has changed at all since you knew him.

That way, if he does look for you, he can find you. If he doesn't, you've done nothing you could regret, and you haven't hurt yourself any more.

MyPreciousRing · 27/01/2013 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 22:22

pinkerl if I do go ahead I will be careful.
And whatever I decide I'll come back and update and if my decision has been to contact him, I'll accept the flak from MN for doing so.

VB I've said it several times. If I contact him, and if he replies, and if he is in a relationship, and if he tried to escalate, I promise everyone here I would not take it any further. At all. Lots of 'ifs' there.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 27/01/2013 22:28

So why do you want to contact him?

PatriciaHolm · 27/01/2013 22:32

The most likely outcomes, OP, is that he brushes you off/barely remembers you/doesn't answer at all, and you end up feeling terribly hurt and rejected again. And from your posts, it really doesn't sound as if you are in a mental place to deal with that very well.

Original poster
StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 22:36

Caja - that's a brilliant idea Grin and I think it's a good solution to this whole 'should I or shouldn't I?' dilemma.

My FB page is only in my married name, which he never knew, and everything else is locked down to Friends only. I can put a pic on my profile visible to public and add my maiden name.
It would have been very difficult for him to find me even if he'd wanted to. I've moved around the country several times over the years. There aren't any mutual friends that he could find me through, and it was purely by chance that I found a link to him through someone else's page. I'd searched him a few times since I got divorced several years ago but he has a common name and lives in a big city and I never found him previously.
I'll also get a Friends Reunited account.

I think this is the perfect solution. I can just get on with my life and if he never contacts, nothing has been lost either way.

OP posts:
KB02 · 27/01/2013 22:45

Don't feel attacked, people are giving their honest advice , with your welfare in mind.

Original poster
StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 22:59

Thanks KB . I felt attacked earlier, and from where I'm sitting I've read some very judgmental posts making massive assumptions about me, but I do realise that many posters are posting from a place of being supportive and offering sound advice.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 00:25

Have you any reason to believe he might be trying to contact you ? Confused

Maryz · 28/01/2013 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StretchVelvet · 28/01/2013 10:38

AF, no I don't have any reason to believe he might be trying to contact me. I just read the thread back and I don't see where I said that?

Maryz the main reason the thread is confusing is because I never asked IF I should contact him. I agree with you, if I'd asked that question, I was given an answer in the first several posts. But my post asked HOW to do it. It took quite a lot of time before anyone actually answered that question. Then at 22.18 Caja made a suggestion and that's what I've gone with. I'm not going to contact him.

OP posts:
JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket · 28/01/2013 11:01

They're both adults.
Send the FB message OP; you obviously want to. It'll either close a door or open one.
A FB message (if I was on FB) from one of my DH's exes would not faze me. I/We have received similar (via snail mail) from exe's in our time together. There's no harm done.
If the relationship is secure then it is discussed by the committed partners.
If the relationship is not secure; then there is the possibility of infidelity. That is to do with A N Other behaving like a shit. Nothing to do with a small parcel of communication; no matter the mode of delivery.
I am surprised by the reaction on here. I wouldn't and haven't been threatened by my DH's Ex's contacting him.

OneMoreChap · 28/01/2013 11:37

I wonder if the OP was in a relationship, how she would feel if her DP's ex contacted him.

How would she see that playing out?
Would she expect his to tell her, "Oh, I've been contacted by an ex". How would she feel?

Would she expect her DP to keep it quiet. How would she feel?

Original poster
StretchVelvet · 28/01/2013 11:51

Chap If I was in a relationship and didn't trust my DP to handle contact from an ex appropriately, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I'd expect him to tell me if he heard from someone from the past, yes. But I'd trust him to deal with it accordingly.

As you know, being a man yourself, men do have the capacity to make decisions for themselves and do the right thing. The implications on this thread are that men are weak and helpless and that women (even fat middle aged asexual ones) are some sort of irresistible temptress that a poor guy can't say no to.

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 28/01/2013 11:58

Stretch nae problem.

I'd certainly say men are responsible for their own actions.
I'm pleased you feel any putative relatioship would be that strong and honest.

If when you have a relationship, and your partner has an old flame contacting him who feels but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out
and then said I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship. and you'd not feel there's a veiled message there, well...

Good for you.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 28/01/2013 11:59

My dh and I are good friends with some ex partners, I have no issue if anyone contacts him for a chat at all. I would (and did) have issue if someone clinging onto the past wants to contact him because she never got over him not because I don't trust dh but because another woman wanting to relive her youth and talk about where their relationship went wrong and sigh 'if only' to him is disrespecting me and my relationship and feelings. I know this isn't what you are going to do now, and I think you have made the right choice, but I don't want you believing I think all men are weak and can't say no.

Busesondiversion · 28/01/2013 12:21

Here is a man's (very personal) perspective.

Last year my partner contacted, after many years with no knowledge of his whereabouts, an ex boyfriend via FB. The ex had married the girlfriend after he ended it with my partner.

They had a brief FB correspondence, then they met "for coffee". She ended our relationship, without telling me about him. She moved him into her house within two weeks. Their relationship lasted 6 weeks, and since then he has bounced between my partner, his wife, one of their children and his mother?s.

My partner, by contacting him, has ruined 4 lives.

My advice is not too difficult to work out!

waltermittymissus · 28/01/2013 12:38

OP, I asked you upthread exactly why you want to contact him.

Because all of your arguments for an ex being able to contact an ex without ulterior motive are valid. But I don't think they're relevant to your situation because, to be honest, you do come across as wanting them to split.

If you're going into this with that in mind then no good will come of it. That is what people have been trying to tell you for pages and pages!

CiderwithBuda · 28/01/2013 13:21

I think you need t be brutally brutally honest with yourself about why you want to contact him

I contacted annold boyfriend on FB last year. Very intense relationship on and off from age 16 to 22/23. I was always the one that ended it and I knew that back then he still loved me. I have often wondered how he was doing. I knew where he was living and I knew he was married - as am I. Over the years he has popped up in my dreams very often. In fact the night before I was starting IVF I dreamt I was trying to find him to ask him if it was ok. All very weird as I knew I was always the one to end it. I think I felt guilty as I knew he was heartbroken. Anyway - contacted him on FB and we swapped a few messages and then he challenged me to play Songpop. He has his phone number on his profile and one day I called him. It was really great to talk to him and catch up on what had been happening in both our lives. And I came away remembering exactly WHY I didn't want to be with him! He is lovely but irritates me. We are still in touch. Still play Songpop - sad I know! But I have no wish or need to meet him and I never had. Through me contacting him my sister is now friends with him - he was the big brother she never had. And some other mutual friends have got in touch with him. So that has worked out well but only because I really really knew I was only curious. I had no ulterior motive.

And I think that you are really hoping that something would come of you contacting you ex.