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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please about contacting an old boyfriend

101 replies

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 15:12

I'm thinking about contacting an old boyfriend I recently found on FB.

According to his page he is in a relationship. I am single.

I have no wish to cause any problems in his relationship, but I would just like to drop him a line to say hello and just find out how he's doing. I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship.

I'm still not certain that I will send him a message, but any tips on what to say if I do? Keeping in mind that he and his DP may both read each other's FB so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

It's been many, many years and I keep thinking he may not even remember me, but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out

original thread which has long posts by me is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1667231-Feeling-stuck-and-sad-about-the-past

OP posts:

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 27/01/2013 16:38

Afternoon all
Just a little reminder that if there's something we could all do with it's some moral support.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:42

whaaat Olivia ?

OP asked a question. People gave their opinion. She didn't like the replies, and we get a slap on the wrist about "moral support" ?

She is being advised not to do something inadvisable and given the reasons why.

The worst advice here would be a pat on the head and a "you go for it, girlfriend, only good can come out of this course of action..."

Adversecamber · 27/01/2013 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntimonySalts · 27/01/2013 16:48

Baffled by OliviaMumsnet's invervention. My advice would be the same regardless of who was asking!

pictish · 27/01/2013 16:50

I am taken aback too. When I need someone to be my moral conscience for me, I'll start a thread and ask thanks.

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 27/01/2013 16:53

Why does someone who wants to contact an ex who is in a r'ship need moral support?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 16:55

We could all use an outside perspective to tell us when something is a really bad idea too.

Lavenderhoney · 27/01/2013 16:58

It depends on how you split. If it was amicable and you just lost touch as people do, before the advent of mobiles, fb etc then a private pm to say hi, remember me, loving finding old friends on fb how are you is ok. You don't have to friend him to do that.

If on the other hand it was a tearful breakup with him playing the role of the prince of darkness, with lots of drama and months of misery then I would stay well away and be grateful you couldnt keep in touch via the wonders of social media:)

TheSecondComing · 27/01/2013 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aimingtobeaperfectionist · 27/01/2013 17:00

Do you just want help on what to say if you send him a message? That's the only thing? Honestly?
I there is even the tiniest possibility in your mind that you want things to happen then don't do it.
I can't really see what anyone would gain from you writing a message.
If you want to see what he's up to, look at his fb page.
I can't think of anything you could write that would be helpful to either of you.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/01/2013 17:01

When it comes to some bfs, its easy to look back with rose-tinted specs and remember the good stuff, but the reality is rarely as good as the memories.

Say hi to him if you want to, but be prepared to be ignored / him tell you he doesn't want to be in contact with you as you're an ex for a reason etc etc etc.

I stay away from all of my ex-bfs on FB as they are ex's for a reason and that way horror lies. The only time I didn't, it turned out I'd forgotten just how creepy he was towards the end of our relationship. Never again.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/01/2013 17:10

I wouldn't do it.

Actually, I think there'd be nothing wrong at all with getting in touch with an old school friend you'd kissed at the disco (to use your example) - that to me sounds like normal sort of nostalgia and wouldn't be creepy.

But I'm afraid however nicely you try and explain why you're getting in touch, if it was serious and you've not stayed in touch, I'd say leave it that way.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 27/01/2013 17:24

@AnyFucker

whaaat Olivia ?

OP asked a question. People gave their opinion. She didn't like the replies, and we get a slap on the wrist about "moral support" ?

She is being advised not to do something inadvisable and given the reasons why.

The worst advice here would be a pat on the head and a "you go for it, girlfriend, only good can come out of this course of action..."

Ack,
Sorry that wasn't what was meant at all.
I wasn't trying to side with the OP or slap anyone's wrists.

More like peace and love.

Often folk come to MN precisely for advice from strangers but often they find it hard to take that advice and I guess I was just reminding you all of that.

As you were.

pictish · 27/01/2013 17:26

Ok Olivia - when you put it like that, fair dos.

TurnipCake · 27/01/2013 17:26

OP, I think you need to re-read what you put on your last post:

"Let's say he suggested meeting for a coffee for a purely platonic catch up. I've still got feelings for him, what if meeting him makes them stronger ? He's with someone else, I can't have any expectations. I know that meeting him may be the opposite and I may think 'yuck' (so may he!). But I feel a bit too vulnerable at the moment. Maybe when I've spent a bit more time getting myself 'sorted' I'll feel stronger."

Your intentions are that you're hoping he'll remember you and take you out for a friendly catch-up, and who knows, maybe seeing you again would make him... come on, it's not just a friendly hello message. I think you need to take your own advice in the last sentence and maybe if you sorted things out for yourself, the desire to cling to what you had in the past, decades ago will fade.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 17:27

Ok, peace and luuurve it is. As it was before. I feel sure that people on this thread are advising what they would do to a friend in RL.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2013 17:28

Sometimes, moral support needs to take the form of a cyber kick up the jacksie. IMO, of course.

LesBOFerables · 27/01/2013 17:45

You sound unhappy with a few things that are going on (or not going on) at the moment, and I think you are fixating a bit on this "lost chance for happiness". But not to put too fine a point on it, we ALL have some crushing disappointments in life (expat there has lost her daughter to leukaemia recently; I can get all weepy at the thought if never hearing my disabled daughter say mummy, etc etc), but it does none of us any good to moon around like something out if a Russian novel: you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do your best to play the hand you've been dealt. Which in your case, wasn't him, as it turned out.

Is there anything else you can focus on to build your chances of happiness NOW, something you can create for yourself to look forwards, not backwards? Because I think that's what you need to be doing really.

LesBOFerables · 27/01/2013 17:46

(Excuse all my 'if's instead of 'of's- I'm on my phone and have sausage fingers)

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2013 18:22

You clearly think badly of yourself and look back to that time as a happy time in your life. Try to focus on changes you can make that would make you feel happier about yourself, rather than put yourself up for rejection.

MarilynValentine · 27/01/2013 18:26

Ah OP, maybe it's the 'happy, bubbly' gorgeous young woman you were who you long for really. To feel like that again, that level of intensity and desire/being desired. It's not the bloke really.

It's an intoxicating fantasy, fueled by your version of the past and your needs today.

Sorry you feel like a heifer. I bet you aren't. Maybe look at what you can do now to feel amazing about who you are again.

MarilynValentine · 27/01/2013 18:27

X post Imperial

bellamafia · 27/01/2013 18:34

For the love of god don't do it. We are all women and know you're real In tensions. You secretly hope it'll reignite a spark. His poor DP.

Leave him alone. Failing that. Just think how you'd feel if it was done to you? You checked your bf FB and saw an ex reminiscing from the past. Would make you feel sick wouldn't it?!

We women need to support eachother more and not make enemies. Woman up!!!!!

Kione · 27/01/2013 18:43

I have to agree that if you didnt have deeper feelings you wouldnt have posted here, as catching up with an old friend is as easy as: "hey, you around here too! how's things?" and no reason to feel like a homewrecker.
I am in contact with twi ex's in Facebook, and one of my exes wife as I met her at my mums funeral. The other one is married too and sometimes chit chat and thats it.

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