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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got a bad feeling about this woman.

118 replies

suspicion · 02/01/2013 15:18

I've name changed as I think I would be to recognisable otherwise.

I'm not sure whether I am right to be suspicious or its just my insecurities taking over.
My DP has been working at his current job for over a year now. This woman started working there after him. I've not met her nor any of his other work friends.

Recently (since having a baby) I've noticed he's bringing her up in conversation quite a bit. She has bright red hair and he keeps commenting on how red hair is sexy and I should dye mine that colour. I've noticed she's been posting on his facebook a lot with cryptic messages or inside jokes and puts up pictures of him. Recently she wrote something French and sort of romantic on there. Anyone can see that he's engaged and apparently she's in a relationship.

Now he works with lots of women that I've never thought twice about but I've got a strange feeling about her. He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends.

Our relationship has been a bit strained since I've had DD and I don't know if I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self or if I do have reason to worry.
Surely if something was going on she wouldn't be posting things so publicly? It makes me sad to see how happy he looks in her pictures, I've not seen him that way in a long time.

What do you think? How right can instinct be.

OP posts:
Sugarice · 02/01/2013 16:51

Iwasafairy you'll be telling her next to make sure his tea is on the table ready for when he gets in from work! Hmm

Take care OP.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 16:55

oh yeah that must be where I left/lost my wings. :-p nice to meet you too BunnyLebowski

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 16:56

and nice to meet you too Sugarice

Original poster
suspicion · 02/01/2013 17:01

I'm not going to be able to post much more tonight as he will be home soon. He has always had his phone on him really. I notice he will say he's off to bed and then I will go in about half an hour later to change my DD's nappy and he will have the lights off but will be on his phone. I have looked at his phone recently though by accident as we have the same phones and he didn't seem to have any texts from her.

I feel sick...this just cant be right can it. I will ask him about that French message she left him when he gets home.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/01/2013 17:02

Iwas

You can tell me to sling my hook but I noticed you on a thread yesterday saying that you were new.

The posters on Relationships are a good bunch and have usually been through a hell of a lot - with the emphasis on 'hell'.

And there's no substitute for experience sometimes.

Relationships really isn't like Chat or even AIBU.

Just trying to help - not be nasty.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/01/2013 17:03

And OP - PLEASE trust your instincts.

Sorry this is happening to you.

loopylou6 · 02/01/2013 17:04

I'm sorry to say OP, but this sounds VERY dodgy.

loopylou6 · 02/01/2013 17:11

Why don't you use google translate to find out what the message says?

loopylou6 · 02/01/2013 17:12

Or, tell us, my French is pretty ok.

badinage · 02/01/2013 17:14

I think he's already having an affair. Sorry.

I sometimes see on here a rather naive belief that asking a person who's having an affair to be honest about it, produces the intended result. Whereas in practice unless that person wants to leave the marriage there and then and knows they haven't covered his tracks well enough, no-one in this situation ever tells the truth.

They just get better at hiding it.

So personally I'd do two things, depending on how much I wanted to stay in the relationship.

I'd snoop like mad and only confront once it was indisputable.

Or I'd decide that the trust was fucked and I wasn't prepared to live with someone who wouldn't let me touch him and was bone idle around the house and with our child.

AgathaHoHoHo · 02/01/2013 17:15

Iwasafairy - WTF!

OP do you do much together as a couple? He sounds a bit of a waste of space tbh. Not supportive of you, does little with his child, goes out frequently and has a completely separate social live to anything with you, flirty messages with women at work (ego stroking?), would rather be upstairs on his own interacting with his phone at night that spending time with you.

It might be time to think about what you yourself get from this relationship, and work out whether that is what you really want and need.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 17:20

I wasn't intending to be nasty either I am speaking from experience of something similar so please don't put me off another Internet forum :/ because you don't agree with me! Let op read advice and she will do what she think is best X

juniperdewdrop · 02/01/2013 17:21

Sad Poor you. He's not exactly hiding it really is he? Is he very young?

juniperdewdrop · 02/01/2013 17:24

Iwas I think you may have come across as almost blaming the OP. It sounded like if she makes the home nicer to be in he won't stray. Men stray for all reasons sometimes just because someone is massaging his ego. They can be with perfectly fabulous OHs but need more attention. And don't let anyone put you off a forum it's full of allsorts of people on here, and a lot of them. Just try to let it go over your head if you can and you'll enjoy it here Smile

OverlyYappyAlways · 02/01/2013 17:27

IwasaFairy

I'm sorry but that's terrible advice, do you have the good housewives guide or something ?

Op this doesn't sound good at all tbh! I think you may have to do a bit of snooping if he will not confess, my instinct usually correct.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 17:36

Oh no wasn't intending that that's the thing about these things and FB isn't it! hope you'll be ok op X

dequoisagitil · 02/01/2013 17:42

He won't confess, I am 99.99% sure. Most cheaters will deny deny deny even when the evidence is there, to the point of making you feel you're going loopy.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 02/01/2013 17:46

As others have said trust your instincts. Keep on your guard and eyes and ears open. Hope nothing comes of it xx

Original poster
suspicion · 02/01/2013 17:47

LoopyLou I already know what the French translates to but don't want to put it on here and risk being found out.

Juniperdewdrop He's late 20's, me and the red head are early 20's but she's a bit younger.

We do have other issues in the relationship but we have been trying to tackle those.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 02/01/2013 17:54

God I've read some crap in my time but that really does take the cake iwasafairy.

Moving on swiftly, OP I think it sounds like there's something going on. I'd come down swift and hard and tell him straight that you KNOW there is but that's just me. Others might suggest bide your time and find out more, which might be the sensible thing to do. Sorry if you've already said but where are your friends and family? What are your options for moving back near them?

Ahhhcrap · 02/01/2013 18:07

Trust your instincts

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 18:09

God I've read some crap in my time but that really does take the cake

Whatever love have a nice evening

akaemmafrost · 02/01/2013 18:11

Grin Thank you, I will.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings · 02/01/2013 18:15

Good :-)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/01/2013 18:17

Op, I think the "other issues" in your relationship are probably very relevant. What are they?

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