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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got a bad feeling about this woman.

118 replies

suspicion · 02/01/2013 15:18

I've name changed as I think I would be to recognisable otherwise.

I'm not sure whether I am right to be suspicious or its just my insecurities taking over.
My DP has been working at his current job for over a year now. This woman started working there after him. I've not met her nor any of his other work friends.

Recently (since having a baby) I've noticed he's bringing her up in conversation quite a bit. She has bright red hair and he keeps commenting on how red hair is sexy and I should dye mine that colour. I've noticed she's been posting on his facebook a lot with cryptic messages or inside jokes and puts up pictures of him. Recently she wrote something French and sort of romantic on there. Anyone can see that he's engaged and apparently she's in a relationship.

Now he works with lots of women that I've never thought twice about but I've got a strange feeling about her. He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends.

Our relationship has been a bit strained since I've had DD and I don't know if I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self or if I do have reason to worry.
Surely if something was going on she wouldn't be posting things so publicly? It makes me sad to see how happy he looks in her pictures, I've not seen him that way in a long time.

What do you think? How right can instinct be.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 02/01/2013 20:27

Quite apart from the potential other woman, he sounds like a selfish knob who does very little with the baby or around the house. The fact that you wouldn't feel happy about leaving her with him is very telling.

Original poster
suspicion · 02/01/2013 20:27

The reason I'm having to dip in and out is that he's constantly in and out of the room and there's no where to go in this flat.

He says he just finds it funny because nothings going on. What could he do to get away from the woman though, they work together?

I cant afford a private detective.

I wrote a while ago here about our relationship issues I will try and find it and link to it..I'm just a bit worried it will out me, I will have to check through it to make sure I've not written anything blindingly obvious about our lives.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 02/01/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
suspicion · 02/01/2013 20:32

I didn't want to put the french in case any of their mutual friends use MN and recognise the phrase she put on his facebook (although I do doubt it)

I don't really have any RL support. My old friends are dotted all over the country as they went off to uni and stayed in those areas, I don't really get along with family.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 02/01/2013 20:33

Schmaltzing, if someone who knew about the FB comment happened on it on this thread they'd know who the people involved are. Most likely to happen if the OP's friends/family/dp know she uses Mumsnet or are also posters.

lovelyladuree · 02/01/2013 20:39

FFS OP. You know what is going on here. You don't need to hear a load of girly flimflam. Dump the bastard.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/01/2013 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaHoHoHo · 02/01/2013 21:04

He says he just finds it funny because nothings going on.

Funny as in amusing? Or funny as in recognising he has been behaving like a knob and is now full of remorse and trying to make it better?

The first one, for a guess.

TurnipCake · 02/01/2013 21:10

Oh OP, I know how it feels, the normal time during the day when you should be getting on with things and enjoying your baby, is taken up with worrying about what this twit is up to and with whom. It's exhausting and my ex laughed off all my concerns, "She's just a mate, one of the lads" turns out I was right to be concerned.

Trust your gut on this one. Hope you're ok

Sugarice · 02/01/2013 21:42

He took the dog out to clear his head and work out his responses to your questions when they came.

Trust your instinct and tell him you know he's lying when he comes out with every feeble sounding excuse.

Self belief is everything and don't lose it now !!!!

Looksgoodingravy · 02/01/2013 21:49

So sorry you're going through this OP.

It doesn't sound good and this is only because I've been through this myself. The signs are all there. Now it could be just the start and things might not have moved on from the usual fb flirtatious.

In dp's case it started with fb, then to chat, then to texts (which usually happened when he was walking the dog) then to meet ups! He was distant and had his phone attached to him.

The only way of checking really is to follow him on one of his outings.

Looksgoodingravy · 02/01/2013 21:50

And yes he should be damned angry if he was being accused of something which wasn't true, bet he changed the subject pretty damn quick! Huge red flag!

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 02/01/2013 21:57

You really need to start looking for proof. Some people will deny the sky is blue if there is a room between it and them.

He could, and most likely will, lie and say that there is nothing going on, it's silly of you, you are paranoid. Shove some proof under their noses and they are full of 'apologies'.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 02/01/2013 21:58

roof not room.

badinage · 02/01/2013 23:32

I think he's gaslighting you.

Having this affair in plain sight and trying to make you think you're paranoid, jealous and insecure.

The clues are all there. It couldn't be more obvious.

Unfortunately, now you've revealed your hand he'll just get a bit craftier and advise OW to be a bit more discreet - but not too discreet as that would look even more suspicious.

Get at his phone bills would be my advice. You can delete texts but you can't delete data.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire · 02/01/2013 23:43

Sorry, have to agree it doesn't look good. My XH walked out on me and DD 4yo at Easter after announcing in Feb that he didnt feel the same any more......

Turns out he was flirting with his mates wife, facebooking, emailing, every opportunity he could to spend time with her, texting 100 times a day. Slept with his phone, deleted all emails and texts between them. He talked about her all the time. Stayed up late after me so that he could text her.

My first instinct on the very first email I saw, was that it crossed the line into flirty and that he hadn't told me he was emailing her.

Trust your instincts. You don't know how far it has gone but it has crossed the line.

He needs to be in no doubt that you will not stand for it.

MrsTomHardy · 03/01/2013 00:33

Doesn't sound good OP. sorry Sad

AlienRefluxThanksFuckThatsOver · 03/01/2013 05:21

Hope you're alright op

sleeplessinsuburbia · 03/01/2013 06:14

He took the dog for a walk to delete text messages etc. he'll be ready for any questions you have now!

lunar1 · 03/01/2013 06:29

Hope you are ok op. it doesn't sound good from what you have posted.

FellatioNelson · 03/01/2013 06:37

Oh dear. Sad It doesn't sound good does it?

What I will say though, is that if he is already in an affair with her then they will probably STOP posting stuff on one another's FB walls, to avoid causing suspicion. Is is still going on, or has it eased off since he started being distant with you? He could just have a massive crush on her (which would explain the constant mentioning her, the red hair thing etc) - maybe she has no idea and thinks she is just indulging in harmless banter with a mate. But if he is emotionally invested then you have a problem.

Or they could already be having an affair, but I honestly doubt they would carry on the blatant and very public flirting/banter if they were. I'd be more concerned if that suddenly stopped.

Are comments at all one sided, or are they both indulging equally? Does your DP know you can read them?

InNeedOfBrandy · 03/01/2013 06:56

I would turn it into a joke, I would laugh and say how was your crush today darling and I would tell people in front Of him ad laugh about it.

He might have a crush on her he might really fancy her but you don't know he's done anything about it. Everyone in a relationship can fancy other people especially as your not very intimate understandably at the moment so I wouldn't be so quick to kick him out and assume affair.

It could be he's working with this woman they click a bit and flirt and mess about, doesn't mean it will go any further and hopefully he will snap out of it soon enough. I wouldn't push him further away by being needy and insecure I would joke about it.

Just like to make a point you read on here quite often about women (because it's a majority woman's forum) that they have a crush on a guy at work what do they do about it they don't want to leave their husband as they love their husband. This could be that.

Mayisout · 03/01/2013 07:49

On the other hand I would ask him to leave. He is messing with you and your daughter's lives and rather than wait for him to decide what nasty new surprise he has for you you will pre empt him and tell him to clear off to the redheads as that is obviously where he wants to be.

In the hope that taking away the illicit excitement of secret texts and flirtations the romance will fade and he will decide that maybe you are not such a bad person after all and he wants to see his baby so will come home with his tail between his legs.

I think that I would choose this rather than the torture or wondering what he is or isn't doing and going slightly mad with worry. Once the decision is made you can start to look after yourself instead of obsessing about him.

Also the reality of years of maintenance payments and childrearing (without you to do the bulk of the work) might shake his confidence a bit.

I doubt you are ready to contemplate this situation OP but considering it honestly might make it not seem such a bad prospect.

Mayisout · 03/01/2013 07:55

Actually, I think if you read my last post and it makes you a bit angry and annoyed with your DH that would be a good thing. As long as you are doing everything at home and for baby he can sort of ignore you, however if you get a bit shirty and expecting more of him it might just wake him up to what he stands to lose.

kittybiscuits · 03/01/2013 08:10

Unfortunately I agree OP that your instincts are well-founded. As well as the specific concerns about this particular red-headed person, I am also alarmed that your OH has so much built-in privacy, that you would have no idea where he goes or who he is with when he goes out.

I would give some thought to mayisouts idea of a preemptive strike. It's not about finding proof - very difficult when he has manipulated himself into such a position - it is about the mistrust and concern he has generated, and about the arrogant response to your questions. Good luck OP. I think you can take back some of your power here.

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