The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Cobwebs, Brushing Up The Leaves, Whilst Travelling On The Battle Bus, To Our Own Sobrieties.

[Mouseface]

Hello I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, aka Gerald. It's a lovely place for drinkers, non-drinkers, wobblers and thinkers...... we're a really mixed bunch who all have one thing in common, alcohol.

Whether that be past or present, it can always be our future due to the nature of the beast.

Everyone can join this thread, the support is unconditional. And it is here for anyone who wants it, now or in a little while, there's always a spare seat or three!

Why not take a look at the journeys so far at the link below, it'll take you back through the last two (plus) years, and also I've posted a link to the very first thread....... the reason that we are all on the Bus in the first place

PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

Hello bus babes, just taking a seat as was a bit wobbly today. Was doing some halloween shopping with my boys and the thought of rewarding myself with a drink (bottle of wine) after they've gorged themselves on sweets etc just seemed too attractive.
But I won't. I hope.
I still allow myself alcohol at the weekend but I'm actually finding the hangovers out weigh the pleasure. I no longer have my bottle and a half a day tolerance thankfully.

thanks all. yes venus i probably should post about my worries. i'm at the stage of 'if i don't think about them or talk about them then they don't exist'. in a way it's a good strategy because feeding fears doesn't tend to help me. then again if it's contributing to me drinking it's obviously not good.

will have a think and post later.

and thanks for the reminder of how much of a contrast there is in me sober/drinking. food for thought.

if i don't think about them or talk about them then they don't exist

but saf it doesn't really sound like that is quite happening because underneath your worries still are there, except maybe you're trying to deflect them by having a beer?

So where would that leave you? All the worries still there, plus all the shite stuff that comes with drinking.

I think you're better and stronger than that. Other people believe in you enough to give you a job - that doesn't happen by accident. I understand that you don't want to feed your fears, but sometimes tacking things in the clod and sober light of day helps to shine a light on them so you can see the real issue without the shadow.

Of course it should read tackling things, and cold rather than clod

ok.

for one thing i'm honestly mystified by them giving me this job. i don't know if i can do it. i don't even know where to start really. i'm going to show up on day one and do the HR stuff and have an hour or two with my line manager and then...? it's just me working out how to create something out of nothing. i knew that taking it on and it is part of the exciting/good/interesting aspects but also scary.

the other obvious thing is i haven't worked in a proper, formal job for over 5 years. as in having to be somewhere every day on time, on form, ready to deal with people and be professional. that in itself is bound to be daunting i guess as is wondering how i will cope with that and being a single mum and therefore all the other stuff that i need to stay on top of or things spiral to chaos.

on the other hand my life since getting the job feels pretty empty and i'm finding all the empty time hard to handle so i know i do need to move on and branch out and start my life rolling again so it IS good that the job is coming.

all of the worries are fairly rational and normal i think and there is not much i can do to assauge them other than get on and see iyswim. the emptiness bit is just a waiting game.

the drinking - i am noticing a pattern of it being when pms hits hard and in my own skin feels unbearable. so that too will pass when my period comes and things will be better, more manageable etc.

so really there's not a great deal i can do. i want to get my period, stop drinking, get through half term and ds back at school and then i'll have 2 weeks till i start work in which to get on top of the house as much as possible, have everything smooth running, see someone at the job centre to sort out coming off of benefits and what i'm entitled to in transition etc.

see there's nothing really is there? other than obvious self esteem stuff about working but i don't think self esteem comes from bigging ourselves up or chanting affirmations - it comes from achieving things and doing stuff so hopefully that will come.

long sorry.

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Saf - it IS a big thing, this transition. You've been out of work for a number of years now and to suddenly change from that to being needed by others, required to perform as such is daunting. Your life is about to change and you know that, you're a smart cookie and knew that this might happen I'm guessing.

The job centre should (I hope) really help you to cross over smoothly from the benefits you have now, to what you'll get once you start to work.

Have you had a look on DWP website? HERE to give you an idea of what might happen re working tax and child tax credits? Sorry if you have already

I remember being scared to death leaving DD to go into full-time work after it just being us for so long. Well, 6 years of just us. I had to make sure I'd covered all bases, breakfast and after school clubs, benefits, letting school know new contact numbers and silly little things I knew nothing about but I have to say that the job centre staff were fantastic and really did help.

I even managed to get help with the cost of buying a suit so I looked the part!

Keep posting, every time you wobble, worry, think of something else, just post. We're all here for you, it can't be easy for you and as you say, you know you'll feel better once your period arrives too. Maybe sit and make a list of all the things you're worrying about, cross them off as you deal with them?

Hope that helps a bit? xx

Hi everyone, I went to my 3rd AA meeting yesterday, I cried all the way through the first two meetings and all the way home in the car,it was exhausting, was so so hard to walk through the door, but I'm so glad I did it. Hearing people talk about things that ring so true to me is heart wrenching,
I'ts early days but I've made such a big step last week, I have been thinking about going to AA for about a year, so to anyone else thinking about it, please just go x

Saf - also, are you worried about DS? Is it school hours or will he have to go into after/before school clubs/care?

I found it all so hard at first but as Koti said, they gave YOU the job because they want YOU to do it and believe that you can. It's a shit employment market out there currently, after seeing all of the applicants, YOU are the one they chose.

So what if you don't get it 100% right on your first day, or week etc..... that's the whole point of employing someone new. You're bringing YOU and YOUR ideas to the 'table' as it were.

Keep posting xx

Well, Happy Hallowe'en [hsmaile] to those celebrating. Nemo is off to a party later and I have agreed to so lots of make up for the children there, plus DD's friends, and me! I'm off to carve a pumpkin soon, and then get everything sorted for the girls.

Also, we have a 'smell'. It smells of decomposing flesh. It;s in our bedroom and we've pulled all of the furniture out but can't find a thing. It's in one corner and we only noticed it last night......

We do have a chimney breast running through our room but it's been sealed for years. The house was built in 1850 and I have no idea if the fire has actually ever been used as the wall looks super smooth.

It's awful. I feel [henvy] sick when I go in so until we can source the cause, we're going to mask it with deodorising air freshener. Any ideas most welcome.

What's everyone doing this evening?

Silver - nice to see you xx

venus - thank you for re-posting the new thread on the last page, I worry that we'll lose someone! Hope you are okay lovely. xx

This is Hallowe'en Google screen made me [hsmile]

SAF I can't imagine how apprehensive I'd feel starting a proper job after 6 years working (in the loosest sense of the word) for myself but you CAN do it. Lots of people feels a fraud when starting a new job/ promotion - when will they find me out I'm just little old me - it's really normal hopefully your confidence will build when you've started.

Mouse have you pulled back the carpet - similar thing happened to me once and on pulling back the carpet there was a squashed flat dead mouse, had been walking on it! [Shock]

Is the chimney sealed at the top? Any chance a pigeon has got down there? Hope you find this grisley ghoul soon! X

mouse your smell is very halloween! sorry, no help...

saf you sound very self-aware, and you know these feelings are normal and wont last long. when my dh got a new job, we found stuff online about going back to work. search for 'what to do on your first day/week'. its commonsense really, but gives you sometging to focus on

ever since we got back from aberdeen i've been feeling sick and anxious. like i'm going to have a panic attack , and also a bit cut off from reality - theres a word for that, cant renember what it is. diss-something.

oh but! thinking about visiting friends and drinking this weekend, and i automatically thought i must plan to take soft drinks with me as well! hoping that has become a habit.

sorry about all the typos, is anyone bothering to read my posts any more? will try ang get on the real puter this evening

Disassociated Alias? x

joey I used to get that cut-off feeling a bit when I was depressed. Are you taking any meds, and taking them consistently? And it seems to be a day for typos (I made about 4 already today, and that's on a proper keyboard, not a phone.

saf one of the scariest jobs I ever had was when i was appointed a project manager of a new project. I basically turned up to an empty desk and I had to generate all my ideas and work. So for the first day, if you can find a book, or papers or anything on line about the subject you are working in, then take it to read. Use it jot down some headings, ideas, and questions you have. Find out other people or places who have done something similar and arrange to speak to them, get their project proposals, or go and visit them. That project management job felt very weird for about the first 4 weeks and then suddenly i seemed to be completely immersed, with barely a moment to myself.

thanks venus - sounds very similar. i do have something i can read to structure my q's around - especially as to how the wider organisation i'll be working with functions. at interview, when asked, i said i'd envisage my first week being used getting to know the institution etc so i guess it's ok if i do that! other than that: seeking out best practice, talking to people who've managed this kind of project before, visiting if possible is part of the plan so i don't find myself thinking i have to reinvent the wheel iyswim.

same as you i'm turning up to my little office which is essentially an empty little room just for me to build and run this project from.

it is a confidence crisis i guess. maybe also a bit of 'the universe is being good to me and i don't deserve it' business as well? the head honcho guy really likes me and they all thought i did great in the group interviews and discussions. my reference who is my old professor who knows me and the field it's in very well reckons i'm perfect for it intellectually and personality wise and friends who've heard what the job is have all been like 'oh that's so you'. i have all the essentials and all the desirables from the person spec yet feel ill qualified and as if i've somehow conned the universe into giving me something

anyway! i have nice clothes to wear - that's the most important thing right??

it's maybe a bit of cogitive dissonance going on - you know when you believe things about yourself and the world and how things will be and then reality behaves differently to those beliefs and expectations and you feel kind of.... jet lagged/out of synch? i always get it a bit when people believe in me and my abilities embarrassed to say this but i think it's still the little girl who grew up on criticism and gaslighting and is... muddled.

sorry - long. venus' fault for encouraging me to talk about it. just drank last beer in the house - could go and buy more but am going to make a cup of tea instead i think.

silver good to see you back!!!! are you back driving the bus for a while?
I am not in a good place. things escalating with DH and not sure how much longer I can hold out before the phrase "i want a divorce" bursts out of me.
send me strength please babes

aw ma sending you strength and courage. Do you have aget out plan?

Ma sending you strength! Hanging out the door of the bus wondering whether to fall in your side car and cosy up with you.- it's blustery out here in the dark! Pull us back in babes would ya xx

I'm working on a get out plan but it just ain't that easy.shoves green back into bus.
He's not here tonight thankfully so don't have to even pretend or attempt to communicate with him. He is a sullen,aggressive twat! Don't worry, I don't mean physically aggressive - just tone of voice and body language.
Just wish it was all over really.

In the sidecar & have been for a while, sorry loves.
x

Thanks Ma, hanging on in here - Ma that's so grim :( I don't know all the back story, believe you wanting to stay for DC ?- assume you have explored all the options so won't insult your intelligence otherwise. How long till it can be over - anything to be done in between?

So sorry ma, I've been there and it not a nice place. Do you have any close friends you could off-load in person to?

Was a bit worried about tonight. Lots of us went Trick Or Treating and someone suggested we pop into the pub as there was a themed night and activities for the children. I found myself fighting grumpiness and when I tried to figure out why - I realised it was because I would have to go to the pub and not have wine (for the first time). I wasn't even sure, until it was over, that I could do it - but I did. I just had a diet Coke and just gazed longingly at everyone else's wine. Still, feeling good about it all now. Next hurdle is Fireworks night which is held in the grounds of a pub and has always been a great excuse to have mulled wine and more wine!

Hang on in there Babes.

Well done purple that's really brilliant!