The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Cobwebs, Brushing Up The Leaves, Whilst Travelling On The Battle Bus, To Our Own Sobrieties.

[Mouseface]

Hello I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, aka Gerald. It's a lovely place for drinkers, non-drinkers, wobblers and thinkers...... we're a really mixed bunch who all have one thing in common, alcohol.

Whether that be past or present, it can always be our future due to the nature of the beast.

Everyone can join this thread, the support is unconditional. And it is here for anyone who wants it, now or in a little while, there's always a spare seat or three!

Why not take a look at the journeys so far at the link below, it'll take you back through the last two (plus) years, and also I've posted a link to the very first thread....... the reason that we are all on the Bus in the first place


PREVIOUS THREAD

FIRST EVER THREAD

[PurpleWolfe]

Wishing you strength and a much better day today ma.

When I was struggling with the 'it's too awful, should I stay, should I go, what will it do to the children' dilemma, a friend told me "When it's time, you will know." And, for me, she was right. It was a bit 'hairy' at the beginning but the relief of walking into my own place, away from all the rows and sulking and uncertainty was wonderful. 2 years on and things are settled and calm - and I even get on well with my ex! That's not to say I think you should leave, only you will know that, just that I know where you are now and I sympathise hugely. Thinking of you. (( ))

[FizzyLaces]

Morning all you brave babes. Not been here in ages as I have been drinking heavily

Apart from one g&t last night, not had a drink since Saturday and feel so much better for it :)

Nice (but very chilly) day here in Edinburgh and I am off to work and then a booze free weekend I hope.

Have a good day, people!

[Scarynuff]

Ma I agree with Purple, things will happen when the time is right. If the lid came off, then it was due. Often blow ups like that will clear the air and release some of the tension but I get the feeling that didn't happen?

Just remember, whatever you are feeling, it's ok. All your anger, sadness, fear, confusion is ok. Try to ride it out, we are here for you and you will come out the other end eventually x

Thurso so lovely to hear from you again and you sound much more upbeat these days.

Saf not much advice to offer re the job other than what everyone else has said but I did want to tell you that although you may be shaking in your shoes, I have great and sincere admiration for you going into this, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and you could so easily have let fear hold you back. You didn't x

Right, suppose I'd better namechange back, now halloween is over.

[aliasjoey]

shaking in your new, shiny shoes...

[dementedma]

Just checking in. Still breathing. Think DH went to work early but he could be anywhere....think its going to be a long weekend.

[SobaSoma]

Just checking in, thinking of all you all even though I don't post as often as I used to. How is Nemo Mouse? See you're still doing brilliantly Joey. Hello to everyone else.

No drinking for me since my last relapse a couple of weeks back. Still on Antabuse but realise it's only a tool to help me abstain and that I have to work on so many other things, triggers and cravings in particular. But it does seem to be getting easier. I had a friend to stay all last weekend and she drank steadily (but not stupidly) throughout. The hardest part was listening to her banging on about how she couldn't possibly drink if I wasn't but I told her to shut up and get on with it!

I decided not to go to the work Xmas party and have taken a couple of days off so I can say I'm going away as an excuse. It involves a meal with live music followed by a "disco" so without booze would be an experience I can do without.
Don't get me wrong, I love music and dancing but for me, some situations are best avoided. Mentally I'm in a good place; I take 50mg Sertraline a day and have for ages and it keeps my anxiety at bay, although sometimes it does raise its ugly head and I just have to ride it out. It's scary though, to know it will always be with me. I try not to blame myself, most of my family are nutters in one way or another so it's in the blood. I know a good many of you suffer from depression/anxiety etc, do any of you have close family with similar issues? But walking an hour a day with the dog has certainly got those endorphins moving too and as for the rest, my life is quietly contented.

Ma thinking of you; having been through separation/divorce myself I know it's a hard, draining time but it can be the first positive step towards a better way of life.

[venusandmars]

ma thinking of you 'across the water'.

Exh and I split up years ago, but I can still remember the afternoon when it all came to a head, and after that it felt like things had been said that couldn't be unsaid. We had a few uncomfortable times in the house over the next few weeks but then we got some of the practical things sorted out and we separated.

My dc were young, so very different issues to face, but if there's anything I can do to help, let me know - always happy to listen. And to share my own experiences if you think it would be helpful.

[Gorja]

Well didn't get released Wednesday, but have escaped the asylum for the weekend, have to go back Sunday to be reviewed Mondaymand hopefully discharged.

It's now been 46 days since I had a drink, but I have been in the priory so no chance of a drink, just got to keep it up at home.

Have been to a couple of AA meetings which were better than I had anticipated.

Am hoping I will be able to take part in this thread more and not just post to witter about myself.

Good luck for today all of us, one day at a time!

[Mouseface]

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Soma - I think that's a great idea, taking some time off and avoiding a situation that you know the outcome to. Why put yourself through it? The building up of 'what if I fuck up/what if I get wasted and say this, that and the other to so and so'?

There's just no point to it is there? I think you're doing great staying on the antabuse but also realising what it is, as you say, a tool to help untangle the other 'issues' that may well have led you down the path of drinking the way you used to in the first place?

I have always had anxiety issues, from being bullied at school to being in abusive relationships in one form or another. I'm on no meds for that now, I found that in actual fact, once I stopped taking the concoction of drugs, I felt better. Maybe it's a psychological way of thinking, as in if I'm not on them, I don't need them and therefore I'm not anxious? IYSWIM?

Nemo is still suffering with his cold. Last night was awful. I was up with him alot and suffering for it today. I had to do my own 'drill' before I could move. 6mg of diazepam for the spasms, 30mls of oramorph, 800mg of ibuprofen and 2 co-codamol 30/500. All just to be able to move my legs and turn over. It's not great but this is all I have for now........

Ma - a friend told me "When it's time, you will know." - Yes, you will. You will reach a point and there will be no going back. Ever. Well, that's what happened with me. Something just 'changes' and that's it. You'll be ever so calm, you'll feel almost serine about the decision afterwards...... everything will suddenly no longer matter, no more fighting, no shitting comments, no nasty, spiteful and mean jibes just to provoke a reaction, or score points.

Take good care until that time Ma, lean on us, we're here for you and if drinking is the only thing mentally blocking him out right now, (although I'm sure you can think of plenty of ways to physically 'knock' him out right now! ) then so be it. But please be careful, you're worth so much more than you realise. Your DC still need you. xx

Hello Fizzy - I hope you do manage to have a booze free weekend.

DD is off on a sleepover tonight and then we're having the same friend here tomorrow and some fireworks, a bonfire and some yummy festive food. Brownies, hot dogs, potato wedges, burgers... YUM!!

I hope it's just dry. Just to watch the fireworks, if the bonfire is a no go then fine but I love watching Nemo's little face light up when the rockets woooooooosh up

[aliasjoey]

soma >> most of my family are nutters in one way or another so it's in the blood My dad was an alcoholic, I think my stepdad has a drink problem - what is the common link here? My mother. But thats unfair, my dad had issues before they ever met, and BOTH his parents were alcoholics (at least so I was told... by my mother... don't know if its actually true)

Anyway you are doing so well, and well done for avoiding the office party! My head has not felt quite right since swapping seroxat for mirtazapine, but it could be worse. Like you, I find dog-walking very therapeutic (unless he's chasing rabbits and won't come back)

ma you got anyone in real life you can talk to?

[SobaSoma]

Mouse all those painkillers, just so you can turn over. I'll never moan about my bad back again.....Poor Nemo, June had a cold too last week and it always lays her really low but she's OK now. Glad you agree with me about the Xmas party - to think I believed that I really enjoyed them but it was only because I was completely wasted!

Joey my parents, despite being mad, aren't alkies, but various aunts and uncles are (on both sides) and also my brother. How long have you been on the Mirtazapine and off the Seroxat? My brother had a terrible time coming off Seroxat but seems to be finally OK - it does seem to be a particularly fiendish drug to stop. I have a major craving going on at the moment, probably because it's Friday and almost time to go home. I'm yearning for the old days when I worked in London and we all went out after work and drank loads of red wine.
I'll just have to march straight into the house and straight out again, dog in tow, and hope the fresh air restores my sanity :)

[dementedma]

gorja just wanted to say well done you and good luck. the support on here is awesome, so please keep posting.

thank you all for your lovely posts. Yes, mouse I have sort of reached the serene stage now knowing that it will happen one day. It gives me a secret smile that I know that and have accepted it. Actually doing it is a different story though.
Must admit I'm not looking forward to going home but DD2 has a friend round tonight so there won't be a row while she's here and if the weekend gets grim I'll just say quietly "i dont want to be here so I am going out for a while" and go for a walk or something.

[Mouseface]

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - you WILL know. Life will fall into place, life will suddenly just feel right, and you will take the steps you need to complete the process of release. On your terms.

I hope, with all of my heart that one day you'll be happy, truly happy and have no need to numb the pain you feel each day, each hour.... take care Ma xx

Soma - I hate moaning about me here (no I mean it! ), when there are so many needy Babes, so many problems here and those who have so much more than me going on, but I just have to write it down to keep it real sometimes, to keep me from fueling my own fire with vodka, wine, poison of choice.

Nemo has been hard work today, DH has been out all afternoon. I'm exhausted so it's the Mentalist and then bed for this little mouse, and a tonne of pain meds (as much as I can allow myself in a certain period of time) to snuggle up with.

Stay safe Babes, Be Brave! xx

[aliasjoey]

soma dogs are the perfect antidote to drinking aren't they? A bundle of love and pleasure, needing to be walked by sober owners. How is Albert/Alfie (sorry I can't remember which name he ended up with!)

I've been okay coming off seroxat - I thought - the effects seem to be more subtle than that. Or maybe I just have to get used to living real emotions now.

Am nervous about tomorrow - going out with friends and I would like to have a drink with them. I won't be able to drink much anyway, because after 7 dry weeks my body wouldn't cope.

Luckily we are going out to a bonfire party in the early evening, so no chance of having anything too soon. Unless mulled wine or something is offered, and I WILL SAY NO.

I also have to try and enjoy the evening, not be constantly thinking about drinking too much or too little. It's sad to realise this is going to carry on for months if not years, until my brain has re-trained. In the past I have maybe stopped or cut down for a while, but always it crept back up without me being aware.

Its going to take years isn't it. Maybe the rest of my life. FFS. Even if I do drink again, I will never be able to do it in a relaxed, casual way; but always have to have one eye open. God, I have just realised this is for ever.

Sorry its so long, just cannot believe that after 7 weeks it really still is so hard all the bloody time.

[guggenheim]

Morning babes

Pulling myself back onto the bus, yesterday was day one. I had a horrible hangover yesterday after 1/2 a bottle. I was grumpy with my toddler (he' s 3 so it's not difficult to be grumpy), got bugger all done and felt rubbish. Bet i looked crap too.

So today is day 2 and i will not be drinking.

joey SEVEN WEEKS! you are awesome. Is it really as hard now as it was at the beginning? Come on I bet that loads of good things have begun to happen, little changes that you have brought about by staying off the 'misery juice'

[SobaSoma]

What a beautiful morning it is in sunny Hertfordshire :) Some houses still have frost on their rooves (or is it roofs?) and the sky is blue blue blue, so hopefully the rain will hold off for most of the day. Mouse, that's what this place is all about; we're allowed to tell everyone how we're feeling and that's exactly why I posted yesterday after being away for a while. We care for eachother and want everyone to feel able to share their pain and worries. I've never met you, but I feel a deep affection for you (and many others) and want to hear what's going on in your life, good and not so good.

Joey what you write is so true. It does seem to be a constant struggle to abstain, although I've heard many a recovered boozer say that after a while they did stop thinking about alcohol so much and didn't miss it. I suppose everyone's different and we just have to find out own way. I'm sure some of your friends will only be having one or two and where's the fun in that for the likes of us? That really helps me, to realise that the majority only drink very moderately and by abstaining altogether you're not behaving that differently. What really sets us apart from most drinkers is the way we drink to excess and think about it all the time.

Alfie is great thanks, in his favourite place at the moment, under the duvet whilst I'm on my lap-top. DD is with her dad this weekend so today and most of tomorrow is mine. Dog walk, Sainsburys, put up shelf in DD's bedroom and try not to fuck it up :), quick trip to town (I can walk because I only live five minutes from the centre) and my guilty pleasure later. XFactor that is, rooting for James Arthur, he really has got something. At about 3pm I'll start craving a drink but will go through it and come out the other side. When I've managed to do that and no longer want a drink, I'm amazed that only a few hours earlier the craving felt so strong. But when I'm in the midst of a craving, it's so hard to know that the feelings will diminish because it's all-consuming. We live and learn, even if it's very slowly.

And if anyone's made it to the end, sorry for the ramble.

[Fairenuff]

Even if I do drink again, I will never be able to do it in a relaxed, casual way; but always have to have one eye open

Joey this is what I love now about drinking (or not drinking)! For me, it is always mindful and I can feel what I really get out of a glass or two (which is not much tbh).

I am much happier now about not drinking, I prefer enjoying an evening out without making an arse of myself, funnily enough . I prefer getting a good night's sleep without waking up sweating and thirsty. I prefer starting the day with a clear head and lots of energy.

Not drinking is fab. It's the best gift an alkie can ever give themselves

[dementedma]

Beautiful day here too. Keeping busy making soup and Christmas planning. Things calm.

[thurso1]

Oh, my friends,
I FAILED! thought the external verifier was just red tape, but, she failed everyone on my course, on one assignment.
I am just so sad.2/12 years work !
It had passed by my tutor, Just so gutted!!!!!
Sorry, had to let it out
xxxxx

[Fairenuff]

Oh Thurso I am so sorry

How could that happen? Those external verifiers are all over the place. They are messing up the GCSE results too. Why does it have to be so complicated and so flipping HARD!!?

It's no comfort, I know, but it's not just you, this is happening everywhere. We all know how hard you work and how much you care. Remember, whatever happens, you will have made a difference to someone. That's got to be worth something x

[thurso1]

Thank you Faire
just feel so sad tonight!and although I would like to get shattered, not going to let it happen though, just have do my stuff again and try to get it passed.
Sorry for the me, me post, just so sad .........

[Fairenuff]

I'm gutted for you Thurso, it's the worst that can happen, I suppose. But it's the system that's flawed, not you.

Those of us who work in education are under enormous pressure to get those results and the students are not all treated fairly. We all have to jump through hoops, regardless of talent, ability or intellect. It's a shambles, I really, honestly don't know how they could do this to you!

But, yes, it's one of those tests and it does not mean that hitting the bottle will resolve any of it.

It's crap. It happens. I'm so sorry that it happened to you x

The only saving grace is the peoples' lives we touch. Academic results are not everything. Sometimes we are able to show others that we care, that they matter, that goals are worth striving for. And we can also show them that, although we don't always achieve what we hoped, there is always another way. Don't give up, take it as the setback it is and move on.

There is so much more to education, as you well know, so I hope this is of some small comfort to you x

[thurso1]

Yup,complete shambles, I think, especially as I faithfully followed the Ed Psych guidlines!
Anyway, nobody dead, just another thread in the great scheme of things (as my Dad would say!)
Prob going to bed now, can't stand any more tea!!
DH being really nice, but, don't want it, Just feel V. bad......
Thanks Faire xx

[Mouseface]

Thurso - darling lady, that it so utterly sad and gutting. After all of your hard work! How on earth can they do that? The entire course? It's diabolical. I'm so very sorry to read your post sweetheart.

I have no words that can take the pain away, you worked your backside off for this, and one person gets to decide the way it turns out? Tis shite my lovely.

{([ HUGS ])} xxxx