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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am I giving DH a rough time becuase of what he did or pregnancy hormones?

54 replies

borninnotts · 18/10/2012 08:37

DH & I relocated three years ago leaving my friends and family. Business is doing well but I have been stabbed in the back by so called "new friends" so am looking to sell up and move back home. I went on DH's fb account & he was messaging a 21 cleaner that cleans at his place of work, mainly normal flirty stuff but one message he sent to her has stuck at the back of my throat - he said "do you like it rough then"??!! In response to a message from her. Well, I have flown off the handle big time as being 24 weeks pregnant am feeling very vunrable. He has previously messaged/met girls off of a dating site that we met on but I thought we got past all that until we moved here where he become friendly with one of our clients (a girl) and she nearly ruined our relationship by playing us off against each other (he fell for it, I didn't) + told everyone else they were sleeping together (don't believe this for a second). So, my problem is he shouldn't be messaging other girls unless they are mutual friends but he doesn't see what he did as an issue. We are not having sex atm as we have wanted this baby for 10 years and he thinks he is going to hurt her. So am I being a hormonal cowbag?

OP posts:

lisaro · 18/10/2012 08:42

Err no, he's a waste of space. Why would you want a child with such a cheating Tosser?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2012 08:42

Not really. From that pencil sketch, he's got a track record of flirty messaging (which is not normal, I'm sorry) which you think you've 'got past' but which clearly has never subsided. Unless she was totally loco, the girl who nearly ruined your relationship must have been given enough reasons - via yet more flirty messages? - that there was more to it than being friendly.

If he doesn't see it as an issue, I think he's taking the piss.

EleanorBloodBathsket · 18/10/2012 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/10/2012 08:45

Wow, he's done a number on you where you think this behaviour is normal/acceptable. Frankly, I'd take my pregnant tummy & get well away from him... leave him to his seedy dating/flirting/cheating life. You can bet your life he's screwing around and using the baby as an excuse. Sorry :(

Original poster

borninnotts · 18/10/2012 08:48

i don't believe he slept with her as she is everything he dislikes in a woman, 5 kids by different men, never worked a day in her life, rough looking and tattoos on every part of her body but he did see her as a close friend. she lied about having cancer and i saw straight though this but he stood by her until someone told me she was spreading round they were sleeping together.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 18/10/2012 08:50

I can't begin to imagine what I would do if dh was sending flirty messages including "do you like it rough then"
He doesn't show you any respect IMO. This behaviour is not acceptable. I am not sure why you think it's ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2012 08:56

If he learned nothing from the experience of Waynetta Slob misinterpreting his definition of 'close friend' it just makes him bloody stupid as well as disrespectful.

Original poster

borninnotts · 18/10/2012 09:04

i have to agree, he is bloody stupid!!!! i don't want to split up but the trust isn't there, doesn't seem to matter what they look like when it comes to flirting.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 18/10/2012 09:05

My ex is now married to everything he professed to hate in a woman.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 09:06

or shagging.

Men cheat because they want the ego boost so it does not matter what they look like.

he will never be faithful and he knows you will let him get away with it. There is no trust either.

jkklpu · 18/10/2012 09:08

Sorry, what is "normal flirty stuff" in messages when one party is in a relationship?

FoxtrotFoxtrotScarier · 18/10/2012 09:09

Run like the wind.

I may be misinterpreting your post, but you say that you think he should only be messaging mutual friends. Would you be ok with him asking mutual friends if they like it rough? It's not who he's messaging but what he's saying that is the issue, surely!

You say there's no trust and he obviously doesn't respect you so it seems like the two foundations of the relationship are missing. Does he even see what he is doing as wrong? It's massively disrespectful at the very least!

My DH often has to have things spelled out to him as he can't understand why his behaviour is so bad. Have you tried to explain, in words of one syllable, why what he is doing affects you so much? If he listens there may be a chance you can work together to improve things.

Pagwatch · 18/10/2012 09:10

I think the fact thathe doesn't even see it as a problem is the nub of it.

Why do you think that is? Is it because you let it go when he met girls off a dating site before?

Original poster

borninnotts · 18/10/2012 09:11

so do guys see sending messages to a girl 15 years my senior wrong? they were just innuendos really but some was chitchat about daily stuff. she is in a relationship with one of dhs work friends.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 18/10/2012 09:14

So the earlier ow is everything he dislikes in a woman but he saw her as a 'close friend' and maintained this 'friendship' and 'stood by her' until you were told by a third party that the ow was telling others that she was having sex with your dh?

Now he's sending 'normal flirty' texts to a cleaner at his at his place of work and has asked her "do you like it rough then".

It seems to me that in common parlance your dh likes a bit of it rough and, given you've said the earlier ow was a 'client', he has no boundaries takes every opportunity to mix business with his pleasure.

Hormonal, honey? I suspect your problem is that you are too trusting by considerably more than half. The time to kick your dh into orbit touch is long overdue nigh and I suggest you get tested for stis as a matter of urgency.

defineme · 18/10/2012 09:15

It's not normal.

My dh has never been on facebook, wouldn't flirt with anybody, wouldn't become friends with a disturbed women who makes up stuff: I'm not grateful for this because it's normal behaviour-mature people don't do any of the above.

puds11 · 18/10/2012 09:16

You have said he has behaved inappropriately in the past, he obviously knows he can get away with it, so will continue to do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2012 09:16

Your H has form for doing this type of nonsense re messaging women and he has not changed. Why don't you want to split from this man, what is holding you back?. Fear of being a single parent?.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

No trust - no relationship.

Pagwatch · 18/10/2012 09:17

My dh wouldn't be sending innuendos to another woman because he isn't a slimeball.
There is no 'normal flirty stuff' with people who are not your partner in private messages.
Especially not when it has previously ended up as dates.

izzyizin · 18/10/2012 09:22

Unless you have agreed to an open marriage, it seems that your cheating 'd' h doesn't appear to believe that other women are off limits to him.

THE choice is simple: you can sit him down and redefine the boundary line and keep your fingers crossed he'll stay within 'normal' parameters or kick him out over it.

pictish · 18/10/2012 09:24

"NOrmal flirty stuff"
You have been conned into thinking that sending flirty messages is normal and to be expected.
It isn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2012 09:27

"just innuendos really"

In some relationships where there is a lot of trust and openness it is possible for each party to be able to flirt and swap innuendos with other people and it may not do any harm. But you're describing a man you can't trust, has no boundaries, has a history of leading women on (at best) and ... final nail in the coffin.... doesn't even understand why you'd find it offensive. If you're doubting yourself, that says it all really.

Lougle · 18/10/2012 09:27

Umm...my DH would never, ever, message a woman about anything sexual. At all. He has no eyes for other women.

Original poster

borninnotts · 18/10/2012 09:33

thing is, i was a very messed up girl wheni met him after h1 cheated on me when my ds was 6 weeks old so i did sleep with another man 10 years ago so i have done wrong. he had forgiven me & as he says he hasn't gone as far as i have. before i slept with om dh had met another girl for lunch and was mailing her complaimenting her legs & saying if he wasn't with me ect. this cause me to start5 suffering panic attacks.

OP posts:

DragonMamma · 18/10/2012 09:35

No, just no.

This is not ok. How can you even think it is? Jokey innuendos are one thing (though I'd still hit the roof) but asking somebody considerably younger than he is does she like it rough is just unacceptable.

If my dh did this it would be straight out on his arse for him, it's just taking the piss out of you and clearly he's hoping it'll lead to sex talk or something more.

And I don't believe he didn't cheat with the antithesis of you either, she wouldn't have been a close friend otherwise. There's absolutely no smoke without fire.

Bin him, save yourself heartache in the long run. I left my exP when pregnant and it was the best thing I ever did - nobody wants to be second guessing a H at an already vulnerable time.

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