am I giving DH a rough time becuase of what he did or pregnancy hormones?

[borninnotts]

DH & I relocated three years ago leaving my friends and family. Business is doing well but I have been stabbed in the back by so called "new friends" so am looking to sell up and move back home. I went on DH's fb account & he was messaging a 21 cleaner that cleans at his place of work, mainly normal flirty stuff but one message he sent to her has stuck at the back of my throat - he said "do you like it rough then"??!! In response to a message from her. Well, I have flown off the handle big time as being 24 weeks pregnant am feeling very vunrable. He has previously messaged/met girls off of a dating site that we met on but I thought we got past all that until we moved here where he become friendly with one of our clients (a girl) and she nearly ruined our relationship by playing us off against each other (he fell for it, I didn't) + told everyone else they were sleeping together (don't believe this for a second). So, my problem is he shouldn't be messaging other girls unless they are mutual friends but he doesn't see what he did as an issue. We are not having sex atm as we have wanted this baby for 10 years and he thinks he is going to hurt her. So am I being a hormonal cowbag?

[ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin]

You're not giving him a rough time. At all. You're actually being way too nice to him.

Has he been complaining that you are being too hard on him? Because the poor bloke needs to let off steam by inappropriately messaging much younger women? He's treating you with terrible disrespect. In fact, it sounds like he always has done

[SlightlyJaded]

OP I know it must be a bit of a shock when you post asking for advice on something you consider to be possibly, nothing, and then everyone responds telling you that your DH is a twunt and picks up on subtext and details you had included but didn't previously consider that 'damning'.

Because you suddenly find yourself faced with a far bigger problem than you realised you had. Frightening - especially when you are pregnant.

But, he is a disrespectful, disloyal, probably unfaithful twunt and you really do need to consider your options.

The fact that you even considered that you were over-reacting to such outrageously bad behaviour is a red flag in itself because it shows you have lost all perspective of what is reasonable to expect from your partner. This will be because he has worn you down into 'believing' his excuses by making you feel 'stupid' and 'paranoid'. The reason you are confused is because deep down you know you are right and that part of your brain is battling against he person you love telling you that you ate over-reacting.

You have to believe your gut. What would you think if a friend told you what you have told us? For a start, you'd probably tell her that he almost certainly did sleep with that woman. And based on his track record, what do you think he'd do if the cleaner he was texting offered it to him on a plate? Run a mile? I think not.

I think you should ask him to leave for a while so you can think about the reality of your relationship. If you leave it until the baby his born it will be so much harder to find the energy and confidence to put yourself first.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"i did sleep with another man 10 years ago so i have done wrong."

Two wrongs don't make a right. He's using your guilt over this incident 10 years ago and that he 'hasn't gone as far as you' as an excuse to behave the way he does ..... and that's very wrong indeed. There are many nasty ways to control a partner. Smashing their self-esteem, creating doubt and dismissing their concerns as silly are just some of them

[izzyizin]

It sounds as if you were in a place of emotional neediness when you met your h some 10 years ago and he's taken advantage of you ever since.

As for him not having sex with any of these women who appear to be offering it to him on a plate he can tell it to the marines, honey, because no savvy woman is going to believe him.

Do you still have panic attacks at the thought of -this knobber him playing around-- denying your existence? If so, consult a hynotherapist. If not, leave the bastard.

[borninnotts]

yes, i still suffer panic attacks as i love him so much which is why i cheated on him years ago (regretted it ever since) & act like a loving wife & wouldn't dream of hurting him again. i am stuck in a place where i have no friends/family and no job. my life is pretty miserable. he says he feels the same so messaging this girl even normal day to day stuff was about friendship. but why can't he have male friends?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Because male friends would not be happy with a message asking them if they liked it rough....

[izzyizin]

@Cogito

[Pagwatch]

How would he fel if ou were posting some bloke telling him that you 'like it rough'?
Would he think that was fair given that you are feeling miserable too?

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

You know, my jaw really drops as what some women will put up with.

So because you cheated 10 years ago, he can trot out the 'well I didn't go as far as you did' line everytime that he does something wrong? He's flirting with other women, I wouldn't believe he was sleeping with other women.

You'd be better off without this creep.

[izzyizin]

You may 'love him so much' but, as is evident by his total lack of respect for you, this man does not reciprocate your feelings, honey.

Is this dick led twunt man really such a prize that you can't see what he's done to you?

As for hurting him, as he's dead from the neck up, only a kick in the privates has the power to make this man say 'ouch'.

[izzyizin]

Have you omitted a 'not', Cheese?

[CharleeWarlee]

If you werent pregnant then I would say get out while you can

As you are pregnant ill advise you to get out of that relationship. If this carries on when the babies born or even in your later stages it will bring alot of pressure and stress and you will just end up staying the doormat.

As for 'normal flirty messages' there is no such thing. A flirty message is a flirty message. My OH would be straight out the door with bags packed if I found a text/email or whatever with any indication of flirting.

'so you like it rough then' - my interpretation of finding this would be that your DP has thought of her in a sexual way and is intrigued to find out more.

Husband 1 cheated on you, you clearly should have made your mind up already before even posting on this thread IMO.

And the fact that your mental health has been affected previously (panic attacks) is a bit worrying. Once you have a mental health problem (I know as suffered with PND, anxiety and panic attacks) its hard to build your own confidence and it is SO easy to fall back into.

You need to put yourself first

[borninnotts]

he is an amazing husband in everyother way, myself & 14 year old ds go without nothing & he has bought up ds from a 2 year old. he is a wonderful father. i am not the easiest person to live with & have put this man through hell with previous drinking problems, am all sorted & savvy now. i have had a rotten upbringing and taken me years to sort my life out, as he says, how many men would've put up with the shit I've given him in the years, not many.

[pushitreallgood]

sweetheart if he isn't already then he will. get rid of this man for your own sake. much love you will always deserve better than that.

[pushitreallgood]

that is such a typical thing for someone to say when they want you to put up with the shit they are doling out. it was his choice to stay his choice to deal with your issues, no he didn't have to but if he did it should have been out of love not because you would then owe him. not so then he could fuck about behind your back and you could take it because you were a bit messed up back in the day. he sounds like he is fucked up right now and you are taking it now so what does that mean he owes you, love, honesty,fidelity? if he says things like that to you he doesn't respect you, his behaviour shoes that. i really am not a "leave the bastard" type but i really hate to see woman being put down and excepting it for any length of time it drives me batty.

[DragonMamma]

So because he's done the decent thing and supported a partner through a tough time in her life that gives him the right to play around behind your back?

If that's how you're viewing it then why don't you just suggest an open relationship as a 'thank you' for being a husband??!!

Your views of relationships are skewed I'm afraid. You seem to be keeping score and count of wrongs and rights and balancing the books, so to speak. At what point will his misdemeanors outweigh your thanks for his support? One affair, 2 affairs, a one night stand?

[izzyizin]

So he's a martyr to your cause? Meh. I don't think so. This man wants to have his cake and eat it and if you're willing to keep cutting him some slack a slice, why should he change?

[pushitreallgood]

*shows

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

I did Izzy. :lol:

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is his reaction when you state you are looking to sell up and move back home?.

Was it his idea to relocate originally; I would argue that he did this primarily to further isolate you. How on earth can you call him an amazing husband in every other way and a wonderful father?!. You have doormat written on your forehead and he is taking full advantage of your inherent vulnerabilities; he has you completely in his web.

Your view of relationships is certainly way off beam here. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

[izzyizin]

Thought so, Cheese

Simplifying your earlier response to 'I believe he was sleeping with other women' will set the record straight and I hope the OP takes note of the fact that, in this respect, no-one seems to believe he should be given the benefit of the doubt.

[borninnotts]

Could it not be that he is just simply an idiot & not thinking? I did say to him where did he think the convo was going after only 12 hours of messaging going the route it was??!! He doesn't see the problem with chatting/flirting with other woman but does admit that this comment was out of order but was meant as a joke. He says he flirts with woman in shops ect so whats the difference? I did threaten to leave him but am still here. He is so excited about this baby that I feel guilty taken her away as this is his only chance of having a daughter.

[Pagwatch]

You are mising the point that it desn't matter what he thinks about flirting, if it is harmless or not.
The thing that matters is that it affects other people negatively, most particularly you. I would imaging that a fair proportion of women with whom he thinks he is harmlessly flirting wish he would knock it on the head because it is creepy and, if it includes comments like 'do you like it rough', hugely inappropriate.

What does he say when you say 'but it upsets me. It is disrespectful. It is slimy and inappropriate. I expect you to treat me better than that' ?

What is his response. Do your feelings about it not matter?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm going to go against the grain here slightly and suggest, because you've got a long history with this man and sound like you'd like to give it another shot, that you don't 'LTB' (although it's an understandable conclusion) but that you treat this as a fresh start. ie. put behind you all your collective guilt about your 10 year-old affair, subsequent alcohol/MH problems etc. and approach this with fresh eyes. A new you.

Force him to take your concerns seriously, be far more demanding about who he talks to and about what & generally take things forward in a much less tolerant frame of mind. If you think he can regain your trust, give him the opportunity to do so but resist the temptation to make excuses for his behaviour or rationalise it against your guilt for past mistakes.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Could it not be that he is just simply an idiot & not thinking?"
No, and he did not think about you before either.

Threatening to leave and then not carrying that out just gave yourself even less power as he then sees that you are not to be taken seriously.

You seem to be desparately hoping that someone will write he is not a shite of the first order.

"He is so excited about this baby that I feel guilty taken her away as this is his only chance of having a daughter"

What's with the guilt?. Sod feeling guilty; your H has no guilty conscience and I infact rather doubt he has a conscience with regards to you in the first place.