Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Thanks all
I was just so upset, I couldn't see anything beyond feeling upset and angry with myself. I think I will tell him he needs to tell me if he wants a hug or kiss, not asking, just a "mummy I need kisses" or whatever.

New baby talk, awww. I'm not broody at all, probably because DS2 has only just started sleeping through occasionally, at 14months and I'm still getting over his birth! That sounds like a really good age gap getup.

Running sounds good, I love exercise, I do Pilates and sometimes Yoga, I also meditate a lot.

We've decided to stay home too this morning. Pre school for DS1 later though.

Is it wrong to have lunch at 10:15? I'm bloody starving!

Also, should I have my DH's homemade falafel burger (which is a tasty but a little on the lumpy side) or pasta with super fatty gooey pasta sauce? Help my sleep deprived brain to make decisions!!

wooooohoooooo cailin's ds is napping!! I feel your joy! DD not napping, just chatting non stop, I should be focusing on her, not half on MN and half on her chat, but she seems happy to play with my hair and chat and play with her books

curious about yoga chips, my gp said i should do it for my self esteem, as well as the meds and therapy (he told me my esteem was one of the lowest he had ever seen :(( not sure how to react to that)

so i know i should sort out yoga but just havent yet

any benefits you can see in yourself with yoga chips?

pasta

carb fuel needed cailin! no guilts, we often have dinner as mid morning here, it's your body's coping strategy calling!

I did yoga briefly a couple of years ago and I absolutely loathed it. I think that was partly because the class I was in was quite advanced (my friend convinced me to go along, it was her friend running it, so all informal) but I also didn't really like the slowness of it. Faster exercise suits me better I think. I am rubbish at meditating too :)

Pasta it is getup, good choice :)

I often have lunch about now - I try and cook extra with tea so I don't have to cook.

I'm going to be a sahm once my sick leave from work runs out - at least until something new comes along.

How are you feeling about not working whydo?

Honestly - I've worked since I was 16, I had 3 jobs at a time when in uni. I am really angry with the abuser that I am now not able to function enough to do my job. I'm also terrified because I can't see how we can manage on DHs pay.

Its harder because of the mild agraphobic can't really get out properly without DH side - because I'm not able to do things I want to do - I haven't been to a party or soft play since disclosure. I haven't been to the park without DH.

I can manage school / pg run, eyes down, look at floor talk to no-one but thats it - straight back home, I used to be the most social person.

Partly it's because I'm not in control of my emotions so if someone even asks - "how are you" - I breakdown.

Sorry for the essay like posts - terrible fault of mine - using a thousand words when 10 would do!

Is DS poorly Cailin do you think? Or is he just not sleeping well because of teeth?

I don't think your posts are particularly long.

Do you envisage a time when you will be able to work again?

He's seems well enough whydo, I think it's mainly teeth. His sleeping has always been a bit haywire anyway - he's only slept until 7 about 7 or 8 times. 4 am used to be a regular wake up time but lately it's been more like 5 or 6. I really hope this 4 am start doesn't become a regular thing again!!

I hope so - that I can work again - part of the problem I am having - is I am struggling with people who knew me before - in my "old life" for want of a better expression.

Work is chatty and i know if they aren't forewarned they will ask questions I can't cope with - and if forewarned there will be deathly silence.

I am fine with total strangers, I am fine with the handful of people who "know", I'm not fine with the middle group - people you know but not well enough.

Before recession I would have been able to take a career break - but that's no longer an option.

Then of course there is the issue where I am struggling to leave younger DCs with anyone other than Dh, one person who has then in My house and mum/sister (and then I only allow 1 to go so they can be watched 100% of time). So child minders/after school clubs/anything where they will come into contact with parents etc are no go areas.

Mine are poor sleepers - all 3. I have to honest and say they have a DVD player in room now so they will stay in there til 7. They don't have tv arial so I can control. What they are watching and they only watch if they get up at stupid o clock

I can understand your reluctance to leave the children with anyone else. I have the same fears. The thought of handing DS over to someone outside my family is too much for me, though I know I'll have to get over that eventually. I don't mind my parents or PILs minding him for brief periods but no one else.

I would have said falafel, love it, with the pasta, pilates is great.

because of My own past - I did everything by the book.

If there was a guide on "how to keep your children safe", I followed it - to the letter - we were open, we didn't have "secrets" only surprises, we talked about boundaries, touching, telling if people hurt you.

And still dc was abused under my nose.

I had very little trust anyway and now I have none at all, along with no faith in my own ability to keep my DC safe - even from each other.

Also I feel like I am letting older dc down - how can I say, you need to be going back to school, sleeping, eating, when I can't do it myself?

Therapist says - things will be different after the trial, all I can say is I hope so. This isn't a life - it's just an existence.

You are not to blame for what the abuser did. Abusers are very cunning and they know how to hide what they're doing.

One thing I can say is that as difficult as things are now, you have handled the situation extremely well. The fact that you believed your child straight away and took action immediately is a massive massive plus and will help your DC no end in the long run. The vast majority of survivors on this thread were ignored or dismissed by their parents and the damage that did was huge, in some cases, like mine, it was worse than the abuse. The fact that you believed your DC and that you are hurting for them does mean a lot, and your DC will appreciate that when they're past the worst of it. Unfortunately the horrible process they're going through at the moment is pretty much unavoidable but you have ensured that instead of burying it and having it blow up later, which is what is happening to a lot us on this thread at the moment, you're dealing with it now, when they're young and have plenty of time to get their life back on track. I wish to god and heaven and all the angels that my mother had done what you are doing now because I wouldn't have wasted so much of my younger years feeling depressed and alone. I know it is hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. Hang in there. One day you will suddenly realise normality has crept back in and you will smile and feel happy again.

Ditto what Cailin, I have much respect fo how you're handling this Whydo, it's hard at the moment but you will get there. You are taking the brunt and you have had your trust broken too. Abusers do con and manipulate to the highest extreme and I know that there really is no way to protect yourself from them.

Sorry, just been beeped at again and I have no idea who the hell they are.

Anyway, if your dc ever does talk to you, you can put your point across but you are taking the brunt atm.

Can I ask why how long before court hearing and the plea hearing ypu had to wait just we where told about 6 weeks and its going to be 3 months altogether where told about a uear altogether but if it goes to trial it will be over a year now.

Don't answer if its to hard.

Dotty I pmd you.

Cailin and Olympic - it means a lot to read those posts. I am so sorry for all those who weren't believe. I just don't understand why you wouldn't believe your own child. I mean I know it's hard to know and deal with - but you can't deny it happened to save your own pain.

I believe all of you.

I'm doing my best but it never feels good enough. Middle dc has just had a total meltdown for nearly an hour in a shop. Poor lite mite never had these tantrums til this.

Makes me feel terrible - that if I could be better - the smaller ones wouldn't be suffering. I'm sure they miss their old social life.

I've been surrounded by kids all morning and 1 touched my hand, tried not to jump but failed miserable, have come home, freaked out, tried iron, wasn't working, tried 2 different plugs, 2 different fuses, nothing worked, cried because my beautiful iron I spent hours picking even ironing the floor of the bloody shop to test them had broken :( then I turned the heat dial up it's fine and dandy.

I'm stooopid.

I hate panicking over nothing.

I really wanted to get back to swimming at least to try it after my last disaster but not able to now frightened to get back to walking used to walk ever day but burnt myself out really badly just before christmas only do it when I have to now this is someone who used to cycle 7 miles to another pool to go swimming patetic that I can't do these things yet I know