Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you divorce your Husband if he was like mine?

53 replies

Crumble16 · 25/05/2012 17:00

After my Husband and I got married, (in which time I had left my home, family, job and friends), and moved in with him, (he lived three hours drive away), my hubby decided to tell me that he is paying his mothers mortgage, (his Dad died when he was 14, and his mother is now 90), which is £600 a month, and he has been paying this for approx 10 years). His brother owes him £100,000, most of which he will probably never see as he has no proof that he lent this money to his brother.

Because of him paying his mothers mortgage, we can never own a home of our own, so we end up in awful rented accomodation. He has no savings because he gave them all to his Brother.

Ok, generosity was one of the reasons that attracted me to my hubby, but this is ridiculous!

We now have a beautiful two year old Daughter, but we have only been out twice since she was born. He only bought me a present when it was our first christmas, all other occasions since, I have had to buy my own and ask him for the money.

He even forgot my Birthday last year!

WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS?!!

OP posts:

CrispyCod · 25/05/2012 17:05

Well, money isn't everything, you can still do thoughtful things for people. Maybe in the scheme of things he doesn't find 'buying' gifts as important as perhaps doing nice things for you.

With regards to his mum's house I would make sure it was in your husband's name. He should allow his mum to live there as a tenant. At the end of the day you don't want his brother getting his grubby mits on any inheritance.

Methe · 25/05/2012 17:06

Have you posted about this before?

simbo · 25/05/2012 17:11

If she's 90 already she won't live forever, but there must be a formal record of his financial commitment to her home. Try and find out how things stand legally, and whether she has made a will. If not your oh may not recoup his investment in this property and as the previous poster said his brother (and any other siblings) may get an equal share.

As for divorce, that is a different issue. You need to tell him how you feel and that he should put his own family first.

Akermanis · 25/05/2012 17:17

You need to ask some questions, like how did a 90 yr old end up with a mortgage? she would've retired 30years ago

allaboutthename · 25/05/2012 17:18

Did he withhold this information from you or was it just not discussed? I'm just surprised that pre wedding you didn't know what income/expenditure he had.

If he has lied then that is very difficult to overcome.

allaboutthename · 25/05/2012 17:27

oops posted too soon.

It could be that your dh isn't very financially astute and not motivated by money - my dh is very similar and I have to say once you have children it seems to have a greater impact as my needs have changed and I want the security of my own home.

It would be sensible to get the arrangement legalised as the last thing you want is a dispute over the will or a forced sale if his mother has to go into residential home for care. If the property was in your dh's name have you checked with an financial advisor to see if you could get a mortgage? Don't give up all hope yet.

What are the positives in your marriage?

LemonDrizzled · 25/05/2012 17:28

I wouldn't have married someone without a full understanding of their financial position from the start. Why did his mother need a mortgage? Did she give money to his brother too?
Presumably it is in DH's name as he is paying it and she has no salary.

You have been a bit naive to take this man on without knowing his circumstances but as long as he is committed to you and your daughter you should be able to find a solution together.

Original poster

Crumble16 · 25/05/2012 17:42

He remortgage the house to build a huge extension, and to give money to his brother.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumble16 · 25/05/2012 17:43

no, this is the first time ever on mumsnet!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 25/05/2012 17:50

Will his mother leave her house to your DH? I'm presuming so! If so you will be able to sell it and buy your own house.

What do you mean by you have only been out twice in two years? Together? DH and I probably only went out twice together in the first two years after DC1 was born, as I didn't like leaving him with anyone else.

My DH wouldn't forget my birthday, as I tell him what I would like, and how I wan't to celebrate.

Why are you having to ask him for money? If you don't work, doesn't he give you money?

Anyway, I take it you want a divorce.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2012 17:53

If his mother is 90 and you're young enough to have a 2 year-old, how old is DH? Do you fear you've married an old fool?

Pagwatch · 25/05/2012 17:58

I wouldn't divorce him for things I should have known about before I married him.

Did you not see he lived in 'awful rented accommodation' before you moved in. What did he say when you discussed finances before giving up your job?

LynetteScavo · 25/05/2012 18:25

And why are you blaming your DH for you having to live in rented accommodation?

Where did you live before you met him?

CakeBump · 25/05/2012 18:29

Absolutely what Pag said.

Why is this suddenly a problem now?

mumblechum1 · 25/05/2012 18:29

If your MIL is 90, presumably your dh is in his sixties? He needs to ensure either that she's left him sufficient in her will to reimburse him for the contribution or they should do a deed of trust setting out his rights in his mother's house as a result of the contribution he's made.

Basically, you need to get him to go and see a lawyer.

PooPooInMyToes · 25/05/2012 20:15

So is the house in his name?

NicNocJnr · 25/05/2012 20:26

Stable door and horse comes to mind.

No I wouldn't divorce my DH over something like this at all. Bizarre.
Then again I knew everything about him before we married.

Agree with other PPs - is the arrangement he gets the house when she dies. He's a twit for lending to the brother but that isn't really your concern now as it is done and dusted before you were involved (or married) and you didn't notice that he re-mortgaged a home

If there are other reasons then fine but this is as much on you as him.
If it's worrying you because of the future ask, and if no security in place get to a lawyer. Idk this comes across as reaching for a reason - it's all a bit academic if you want to leave him anyway.

BasilDonna · 25/05/2012 21:37

Why do they need a huge extension on the house?
Where does the brother live? With the mother?

Original poster

Crumble16 · 25/05/2012 21:46

My husband is 46 I am 43. I assumed that the house was paid for when his father passed away. He didnt mention it, and I didnt think to ask. He was living with his mother when we met. \He was looking for someone to take him away from his mother, and I was lonely after years of being on my own after ex hubby left me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. His brother has been married for 20 years and lives in his own flat.

Anyone got any constructive answers instead of reminding me of my own stupidity?

OP posts:

poshbird1 · 25/05/2012 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

NicNocJnr · 25/05/2012 21:55

Most people have actually said it. Lawyer.

You need to talk to him and see where the land lies and what the expectations were and what they now are - yours, his & the other family and get to a lawyer to get the appropriate paperwork in place. There isn't anything more constructive available based on the above info.
If there are other factors then they are needed in order to make any kind of a start in being constructive about wider issues, if there are any.

unavailable · 25/05/2012 22:03

So, your dh remortgaged to extend his mother's house because he was living with her. Now she is living alone, she surely doesnt need so much space.

Would she consider selling and moving somewhere that suits her needs better?

Lueji · 25/05/2012 22:09

As posh, Nic and unavailable said.

Get the whole truth, check with a solicitor to sort the legal side and consider getting his mother a small bungalow/house/flat.

Surely there should be a paper trail of the money your OH lent his brother. Or did he give it cash?

Nagoo · 25/05/2012 22:10

I would move in with the mother.

It's his house is it not?

I wouldn't divorce him but I'd make him go with me to a solicitor so I could understand what was what. You are married, in a tram and you need to know what you are up against.

Nagoo · 25/05/2012 22:13

tram? team FFS

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread