Would you divorce your Husband if he was like mine?

[Crumble16]

After my Husband and I got married, (in which time I had left my home, family, job and friends), and moved in with him, (he lived three hours drive away), my hubby decided to tell me that he is paying his mothers mortgage, (his Dad died when he was 14, and his mother is now 90), which is £600 a month, and he has been paying this for approx 10 years). His brother owes him £100,000, most of which he will probably never see as he has no proof that he lent this money to his brother.

Because of him paying his mothers mortgage, we can never own a home of our own, so we end up in awful rented accomodation. He has no savings because he gave them all to his Brother.

Ok, generosity was one of the reasons that attracted me to my hubby, but this is ridiculous!

We now have a beautiful two year old Daughter, but we have only been out twice since she was born. He only bought me a present when it was our first christmas, all other occasions since, I have had to buy my own and ask him for the money.

He even forgot my Birthday last year!

WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS?!!

No Verity, it's not.

What a valuable contribution verity.

Tbh if you want constructive, by which I think you mean supportive, advice I wonder why you posted such a black and white OP
My answer was honest. My decision about staying with a dh who behaved as yours had would include an assessment of what I was judging. Did I admire his generosity or did I resent his lack of candour. Was I culpable because I had chosen not to ask frankly obvious questions and is it fair to judge him harshly when I was wilfully ignorant.
You asked about divorce. You defined yourself as wronged. My questions simply questioned this. What did you know. What did you chose to ignore.

It is easy to say 'leave the bastard'. I am just curious as to whether you were wronged or are you just realising that you have misjudged and are now blaming him for your desire to ignore inconvenient things.

I hope that examining why you are where where you are is always constructive. It always helps me.

why in gods name would anyone buy themselves a birthday present in someone elses name, and then ask for a refund of the money

thats just doolally

i think it was reasonable for you to assume that he was not paying for his mother's house, and highly unreasonable of him not to disclose this to you before you legally shackled your finances to his. i think it is reasonable for you to expect him to prioritise the financial security of his child over that of his mother. but i do not think, as a fully grown adult, that you should place the whole responsibility for the financial circumstances of your family on him, and that is how your op reads.

If I loved him, no I would not divorce him over this. I would insist that I have an equal say in where the finances go from now on though - ie stuff for his brother (not his mum). Is he the partner you want in life?

The problem is that she owns 60% of the house and he owns 40%, even though he pays all the mortgage, so there is no question of asking her to move as she would refuse. Also, before we met he was paying all of the bills, even the tax and insurance on her car, food, etc. Shes never had to pay a bean.

Don't think he lies to me, he just 'bends the truth', or does not put me right when I tell him how I think things are. For example, he let me think that he had lent £45,000 to his Brother, when his Brother actually told me the other day that it was more like £100,00??!! I know ive been taken for a fool, while his mother lives in a three bed house with a huge garden, and the three of us stuck in a pokey two bed terrace, with no hope of ever owning our own home. He also had the cheek to have a go at me for spending £60 last month on bits and bobs, when hes been paying out £600 a month for I dont know how long, and has never asked his mother for a bean towards the mortgage!

Does everyone see where Im coming from now?

Is she leaving him the rest of the house? This seems to me to be the most important thing. If she is, then there's not too much of a problem as you are paying off a mortgage on a house that will become yours.

It's really important you sort this aspect of it out I think.

90 with a mortgage? That's one looooong mortgage!

Why don't you move in with his mum?

Sorry but i disagree. He has been dishonest about the amount he has leant his brother and yet has a go at the OP for spending £60. Thats without even mentioning the mortgage. Says red flag to me.

Interesting. I think you may have to ask your husband for more answer -- and some paperwork.

If they own the house 60-40-- will he inherit whole thing or will she divide hers up amongst her children? Could get messy?

Are you sre brother won't pay? If he mentioned it was more than the lender thought sounds like it s weighing on his mind and perhaps he is thinking of ways to pay back (like giving your husband his inheritance from your MIL?)

I dont know who she is leaving the house to. She is completely senile, and knowing her, it would be the RSPB or something like that! Thats why we cant move into the house, and it resembles something out of steptoe and son and she has rats and mice. Totally unlivable, especially for a two year old. Plus the fact we cant stand the sight of each other and she completely ignores my Daughter even though she is her first and only grandchild.

So the dilema doesnt end when she dies. The stress is getting too much, but there have been some useful comments, (and not so useful), on here so thank you all very much. Going to have to force hubby to come and see a lawyer with me, if he wont, then I deffo know where I stand don't I?

Wait, let me get this straight - you got married to this man, and then found out he is irresponsible/easily persuaded with money. Even though he had deceived you by omission, you decided to stay with him. You then decided to have a baby with him.

And you now want to leave because of the financial situation you found out about right at the start of your marriage.

My answer: no, I wouldn't put up with it. Because as soon as I found out he had lied and I was financially ruined I would have left. I would not have stayed for years and had children, who would be heartbroken by a divorce.

I just don't understand your logic of waiting until now to get mad. I can see why you are completely frustrated of course, and since you are upset, things need to change.

Suggestions: Start standing up for yourself! Get professional legal advice, then have a very serious talk with your husband. At the moment, it sounds like your husband is completely in charge, and also possibly his mother :/

Let us know how you get on.

I am in a similar position and yes I do put up with it as we have worked round it. My oh has to support his mum and brother as they can support themselves. It's just one of those things and like you said, he's who he is and I love him for it. There are ways to work round it, although you do have to be creative. Lack of money can be difficult but with a bit of compromise and balance thing could be improved? I certainly wouldn't leave him only because of that.

Can't support themselves.

I only found out about this a year ago.

I think you need to do something about the rodents.

So have you had a proper conversation with your dh in that year? If not, why not?

He has to be honest with you, as otherwise you are never going to know where you stand or what you might be facing, and cannot feel secure. Explain that to him, but not angrily, that could just back him into a corner and he'll get defensive and carry on bending the truth or saying what he thinks you want to hear.

You need to listen to him in a way which allows him to tell you everything and then work out together what the implications are and how you're going to deal with it.

If your MIL is senile, she won't know who your dd is, and that's sad but not her fault. It sounds like she needs SS intervention. If the place is such a mess with vermin infestation she needs to either have carers/cleaners coming in or to be in a home where she'll be looked after in a hygienic environment. Who ensures she's taking her medication, or eating properly, or washing herself?

Lawyer. Definitely. And see about getting power of attorney. All of this ASAP! Her home ought also to be sorted out, or if she can't live there safely then alternative arrangements need to be made.

Personally, I would want my partner to agree to the above and seek out all paperwork etc showing the loans etc first- or I would be doing some serious thinking about things, if I was unhappy with my family's quality of life. I would hope he would consider his wife and child a priority, tbh. However, how I approached it would have take into account the fact that I had not hammered out all the details of loans/financial details earlier in our relationship.

Sorry you are having to deal with so much stress.

I have a feeling you can't get power of attorney if she's senile. She has to give consent and she can't know what she's giving consent to if she's senile. There is something similar-ish, but I can't remember what it's called. We looked at it all when MIL had become senile.

Do you love him?

This may sound harsh- but you need to start dealing with things as they are, not as you want them to be. IF MiL is senile, and unable to look after the house- why not move in, clear it up and get some care for her? If he has been paying the mortgage, why pay out for rent on another place you don't like?
As for the money he lent his brother- that's a done deal now and there's nothing you can do about it.
As others have said- the real question is do you love him and do you want to stay married? because none of the above sounds like an insoluble problem to me.