I'm feeling very confused about my marriage. Recently I have fallen in love with someone else (I know this is terrible and makes me a total shit but please bear with me) and it has made me realise the massive discrepancy between the way my DH treats me and the way this other person treats me. I've been reading some of the emotional abusive threads on here which has really made me think.
But I don't know whether I am being really horrible to DH to think this way? He says I am seeing our marriage badly now, because I want to leave (which is true). He is a fantastic dad to our children and does loads around the house. But with me, it's always somewhat different because I seem to trigger a rage in him so often.
Some examples of things that upset me:
- he gets so angry with me sometimes. We can't disagree about anything because it will trigger him into anger and sometimes he won't speak to me for days. He says that he just needs time to get over whatever I've said (nothing of any importance usually) and doesn't mean to blank me - but he does. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because of this and I have to avoid things because he will get angry.
- he criticises my driving constantly, to the point where I cannot drive him anywhere because I am a nervous wreck. This is despite me driving for my job - over 1,000 miles a month and never having an accident yet.
- he criticises my taste in music/films to the extent that I have not bought a CD/DVD for over ten years - he wouldn't let me listen/watch it in the house (or he would, but would insist on being in a different room and making a song and dance about that).
- he hates me touching him affectionately and never touches me, unless we are in public and he is showing other men that I'm his wife
- when we have sex, we ALWAYS have sex at his instigation. If I attempt to instigate sex, he will get angry and say that he cannot perform at my request. And he never looks at me when we have sex - he always takes me from behind (sorry!). Sometimes I've cried during sex and he hasn't noticed.
- he always makes me dress up for sex, or he says he cannot get an erection. He recently had a go at me for wearing pyjamas in bed, and says I know nothing about men and how to turn on - if I did, I wouldn't wear pyjamas in bed (even though it's WINTER?).
- he gets annoyed that I dress up smartly for work but not at weekends/evenings, because I don't look attractive enough when he's around.
- he finds it really irritating if I try to cuddle him at all or if our body parts touch on the sofa
- he hates it if we are both in the bathroom or kitchen at the same time. He says I get in his way and he sighs heavily and leaves the room.
- in the past we have often talked about having an open relationship and I recently reminded him of this and said that it doesn't really make me feel LOVED. He denies we have had these conversations.
- A few years ago he assaulted my best friend when he was drunk. Even though I saw this, he told me I had hallucinated it and left me thinking I was going mad for about a week.
- Whenever I am ill, he refuses to speak to me. I once nearly miscarried and he was so angry that he couldn't look at me for days.
Yes so now I've written it down it makes him look like a total shit. He really isn't a total shit, and I feel really sorry for him now because he is utterly devastated and promising to change. He is great with the children and it only seems to be me that makes him react this way.
How bad does this relationship look? Am I just seeing everything through rubbish-tinted glasses because I am in love with someone else? I feel so weary of the whole thing and he really doesn't want me to leave. He is trying so hard and promising the world.