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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Is it normal for 9 year old to often give head and back massages to her father?

57 replies

getmorepens · 24/01/2017 08:27

dd is encouraged by her father (we're separated, never married) to give him massages. It doesn't feel right that she's doing it. On so many levels. I've asked him to stop getting her to do this, but now it's become their 'secret'. And that doesn't feel right. Does this happen in households where parents are together? Trying to get a barometer.

OP posts:
Reality16 · 24/01/2017 08:27

What do you feel isn't right about it?

Ilovecaindingle · 24/01/2017 08:29

The massages aren't the problem.

The telling her it's their secret is.

I would be telling her it's never OK to keep secrets from you. . Even with df.

ICJump · 24/01/2017 08:30

I did. But I had dreams of being a beautian so ever unsuspecting adult was likely to get a facial or a manicure

halfdoneharris · 24/01/2017 08:31

I would think this is fine tbh. Not the secret bit, but why do you have a problem with it? Presumably they are perfectly innocent.

Brontebiscuits · 24/01/2017 08:31

I get my DC to brush my hair sometimes because I find it relaxing and they like giving me ridiculous hairstyles. I don't think I would encourage back massage but head massage wouldn't bother me. I don't like the 'secret ' element of what you describe- who referred to it as that?

halfdoneharris · 24/01/2017 08:32

My DH gets out 4 year old to rub his back - I don't think it's very relaxing though - ha!

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 24/01/2017 08:32

Agree with PP about the 'secret' business. Not good.
Have you asked her (in a lighthearted way) to give you a massage too and see what she does?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 24/01/2017 08:34

I don't know if it's normal as such, but I'm not sure what's wrong with it. I give my 9 year old DS massages, it that not right on so many levels either?

MrsPeelyWally · 24/01/2017 08:34

OP, I think you've successfully sullied this innocent activity with your disapproval and if anyone made it become a secret - you did!

MrsPeelyWally · 24/01/2017 08:36

And Im reporting this thread because I think its a load of GF nonsense. Its quite some first thread.

Original poster
getmorepens · 24/01/2017 08:36

Just feels wrong that a child is being encouraged to do something so intimate - and now in secret. Massages are things adults get from other adults - so if you need relaxation, then book an appointment. Also feels wrong that a girl is being encouraged to cater for a male's needs - lots of male-children and I don't like the idea that in the future she would be encouraged to do this 'one-way' 'caring' for a partner, or that when it happens in the future in a more adult context, that her emotional memory will be rooted in this behaviour with her father.

OP posts:
Original poster
getmorepens · 24/01/2017 08:49

Just to respond. I give massages to my dd - have done since she was born. That is normal and right. I would not get my dd to give me massages as a way of relaxation - I would book one from a professional. I have not 'made' it a secret, and have not spoken to my dd about it. I spoke to her father. Because it is an often/regular thing, mentioned often by my dd. And after last time I asked him to stop, then it became 'secret'. what does gf mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
getmorepens · 24/01/2017 08:53

brushing hair / ridiculous hairstyles etc is normal play. Every child does it. Not speaking about that. Mentioned it with my friends and all say it's not something that happens. Just wanted to know wider opinion, but MrsPeelyWally has taken the lead to shut this chat down. Oh well.

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 24/01/2017 08:54

You have caused it to become a secret.

My dds brush my hair put hand cream on my paint my toe nails. I dont force them to by the way Blush its just play to them as in playing at make up.

I used to brush my dads hair all the time and rub pain cream on to his back when he came in from work.

GF means goadu fucker by the way.

Reality16 · 24/01/2017 08:55

I think there was a very similar thread last week or the week before? That OP said the father had asked the child for a massage

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2017 08:57

Ehrm, the secret is an issue sure, but the neck and head massage no, unless they go into a private room and do it or something and it's a full on takes a long time kind of thing,

My daughter is always wanting a bloody shoulder or a foot massage, I'm never up for it, so she gets my husband, her dad, to do it, but it takes a whole ten seconds, he gives her shoulder or foot a tweak whilst watching the tv after she's harangued him for awhile.😂

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/01/2017 08:57

My dad used to get me to stand on his back when I was very little and when I was a bit older rub his shoulders. It petered off when I got to high school sort of age. I think it's a bit weird you're so against it to be honest.

I wouldn't like the keeping secrets aspect but if you will overreact over nothing.

"Adults do it to other adults" - massages aren't inherently sexual to adults so I don't understand your issue really. True a trained professional is likely to do a better job than any child/untrained adult.

HecateAntaia · 24/01/2017 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RacoonBandit · 24/01/2017 09:01

I think tbe encouraging to kerp it a secret is because the OP has said she wants it to stop/doesnt like it. I dont think it was a secret before then. Not saying its right to keep secrets but he maybe does not want grief from the OP.

Original poster
getmorepens · 24/01/2017 09:02

Painting nails, brushing hair, putting on face cream, playing around with make-up etc - all fine. That is play. Putting medicine on a parent is fine - that is the purpose - and lots of children are carers for their parents from a young age for many reasons (sad that a child has to be a carer in this way - see research - but it does happen). Not speaking about that. Will look at that person's thread mentioned by Reality16 - maybe get some wider insight there.

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 24/01/2017 09:02

My kids used to give myself and their dad massages and hair brushes until they got to an age where they weren't interested. It's not intimate in a sexual way so I don't see what the problem is. The encouraging of keeping secrets isn't good but as you've made a ridiculous issue out of something so innocent it's not surprising they don't want you to know.

hatethegame · 24/01/2017 09:03

Surely she's been told to keep it secret because you expressed that you didn't like it, not because they think it's not normal behavior. You've made it weird.

gamerchick · 24/01/2017 09:05

I think there was a very similar thread last week or the week before? That OP said the father had asked the child for a massage

Or the one where the father gave the son naked massages whenever he asked? Wasn't it pulled?

RacoonBandit · 24/01/2017 09:06

Get you thinnk its odd. That does not mean it is. If you have no genuine concerns and dd is happy and comfortable to do it then i think you need to accept it.

SolomanDaisy · 24/01/2017 09:10

My DS often wants to give me a back massage. It lasts about ten seconds and is very light random stroking, not a replacement for an actual massage! They are taught to do it at school, they all sit in a circle and massage each other's backs (we're not in the UK), so it seems pretty normal to me.