Is it normal for 9 year old to often give head and back massages to her father?

[getmorepens]

dd is encouraged by her father (we're separated, never married) to give him massages. It doesn't feel right that she's doing it. On so many levels. I've asked him to stop getting her to do this, but now it's become their 'secret'. And that doesn't feel right. Does this happen in households where parents are together? Trying to get a barometer.

I don't see a problem with it from what you describe.

Did it become a "secret" after you made a fuss about it?

And after last time I asked him to stop, then it became 'secret'.

Yes Lunde

My DS aged 9 rubs/massages my back often, in return for a back scratch and massage on his - nothing sexual at all.

It would only concern my if your DD didn't want to massage her dad and he was making/coercing her to do it - and then asking to make it a secret. But if she is happy to do this, then fine.

I think it depends how your dd feels about it - if she likes giving her dad's shoulders a rub there's nothing wrong with it, if she gets fed up of it or doesn't really want to then he shouldn't really be asking. It depends on the kind of massage too - a fully clothed back rub while watching tv fine, him taking his shirt off and lying on the floor and putting music on and getting the oils out etc would cross the line I think.

It is so unfortunate that men are discouraged from any kind of physical intimacy with their children. I can understand your concern, but I think you can blame it on our terrified culture, OP.

TBH I have to confess that when DD was little, I got very concerned when I saw her washing her bits in the bath as I had not taught her this, I had just done it for her up until then. I was very uncomfortable with this, as it would have been DH who taught her during bath time. I was quite ashamed of having to admit to myself that for a split second I believed that DH had done something inappropriate. Obviously he hadn't. This is still a sore point between us 10 years later.

So you have all my sympathies, OP. Now breathe and use your common sense!

Why is it weird?

I frequently gave massages to family members from a young age, usually dad and sister.

However I do remember a friend coming round when we were in our teens and my sister took her top off for a massage and friend said oo it's like a porno didn't make the activity sexual for me but did make me think the friend was damn weird.

I am excellent at massages btw

My dad used to stroke/tickle my back and feet as I found it relaxing. I used to return the favour until I was in my teens. I know it sounds weird but it was just a nice thing to do with someone you love. It never once felt weird. I think you're making a big deal out of nothing (if this is the only thing which he's done which you don't like)

I find it so sad that nothing can be viewed as innocent anymore.

Agee with ilove massages perfectly normal but keeping it secret is not.

Up until around 10 I'd sometimes massage Mum and Dads shoulder.

I also loved combing Dads hair and used todo it whenever I could.

I am with the overwhelming majority here, (unless there's a huge back story we know nothing about) the issue lies with you and your perception of an innocent act between father and child, I think.

DS gives me a back run if I complain about my back hurting. I don't ask but he wants to do it (it's not relaxing but it is sweet).

The secret thing isa problem.

My mother and aunt had to massage their father's feet. He sexually abused my mother, I don't know about the aunt, she denies it.

I massaged my mother's feet. There was nothing sexual in it. It made her really relaxed and I loved to do it. I've massaged other people's feet, too. With the (now ex and late) husband, it generally led to sex. But then, so did most things.

If you are uncomfortable with it, talk to your dd about establishing boundaries now she's growing up, and tell him it has to stop.

I gave my DD (7) a back massage last night, because she said she was achy and couldn't get comfy to sleep.

Couple of drops of warmed oil, and it took less than 5 minutes for her to be snoring her head off. I sometimes give them to DS (4).. Have done ever since they were tiny.

To be fair, we all find it relaxing.. tends to make me drowsy doing it!

"Massages are things adults get from other adults "

I've never seen it as an adults only activity. And baby massage went on to become family massage, and getting a massage from middle DC is lovely even now.

You asked them to stop, for no particularly good reason. They have carried on, and no longer mention it (I assume that's what you mean by putting 'secret' in inverted commas).

It is up to him what he does with his DC when he has them.

My divorced brother has always encouraged my niece (now 13) to do this. She also plays with his ears/hair/neck etc stroking. I have never liked it, not because it seems sinister/sexual, but because it felt like he was using her to gain emotional/physical comfort, and this shouldn't be the job of a child.
He finally has a new long term partner(after ten years). We met her at Christmas, and I noticed that when niece started doing this in a cafe(would have always been normal), he looked uncomfortable and rebuffed her. Niece looked hurt. It was so sad to see.
I can imagine there would be contexts when children massaging parent would be fine, if light hearted and not needy.

it's perfectly normal

We have 2 girls 7 and 10 and for me it would be totally normal for them to decide to give daddy a shoulder massage or paint his nails or whatever. Where I think it would seem a bit off to me is the asking for them part. Unless it's part of a beautician game or something neither of us would ask for a massage but would not reject thier offer to give one.

I think my concern is that your ex is 'encouraging' your dd to give the massage. It sounds as if she is doing this to meet his needs and not the other way round. I'd be concerned. Children are not there to meet adults needs

Unless it's a prostate massage I wouldn't care.

How is a head massage 'intimate'? Of course it's OK justbsad you've driven it to being a secret. My girls loved doing hair and head massage, scratching backs (still do) and oddly pedicures. Their father tolerated rather than enjoyed but I confess to loving a back scrub.

wetsthefinger you just made me spit my tea out

Do you mean her father had actually told her that it's their secret? That's not good, but if you've tried to lay the law down over something innocent and importsnt to them, it would seem instrusive of you to intervene.

Difficult to say from your op.

Why is this thread still up? I think it's really suspect?!!