How to handle constant worry about adult children

[TranquilitySeeker]

I have 2 grown up children in their 30's who are independent with families of their own. I see them regularly. Generally they are ok and happy as far as I can see. However, whenever something does happen like random issues with their partners, kids, jobs etc I worry constantly even though I know it's just life and they will have to work their way through it like I have done over the years. I seem to have a low level worry going on all of the time hoping they will be ok. For those of you with adult children, how do you manage this and can you separate this worry from your everyday life......it's so hard, I seem to feel guilty if they are down or upset and sometimes feel like I've been a bad parent when they were growing up but I know deep down that I haven't.....is this just part of being a parent? I just want a peaceful life and to feel calm now I'm older......hoping for some reassurance that I'm not the only one to feel like this. Thank you

I’d get yourself some therapy. A silly worry is fine but this sounds more than that.

Mine are 26 and 29 and living good lives but I still worry about them. I always think I could have done better.

I always have that low level worry too x

I do worry about mine as adults, more than I did when they were little. I don't know if that's a me problem (menopause, anxiety) or if it's just normal. I think it's a maternal urge to want to make everything better for them when they are going through things, while realising they are adults and you can't solve all their problems for them. I don't know what the answer is really - I try to keep the worry in check but it's in the early morning hours when I can't sleep that the anxieties creep in and I ruminate on things. Then in the cold light of day, things don't seem so bad!

I feel life was easier when they were little and a cuddle and some pokemon cards was all that was needed to make them feel better!

Thank you, I have had counselling a number of years ago for anxiety so might be something I need to think about again.

It's hard to not worry isn't it.

It's not just me then......

I worry a lot. Mine are 33(F) and 31(M)
My daughter miscarried twins in march. She's still really down and struggling and I do worry about her. The babies would have been delivered next week so it's all very difficult. She is having a tough time with her job as it's very intense, her husband has just got a new job as his involved night shifts which were exhausting him.
Then as things looked as though they would settle down their new bathroom leaked and this had to be sorted then they were supposed to have a week away and sil was admitted with sepsis the night before they went so no holiday(he's fine)
Son just had time off sick from work due to stress then his 6 year relationship ended.

I just feel so bad it's all happening to them. I feel totally miserable with it and worry about everything.
Their father died when they were 16&18 and I think this has coloured how I react to things as I can't fix them. (Well the bathroom leak was easy fortunately)

My mum is a worrier so I just don't tell her stuff, it's easier that way. Are you maybe focusing too much on them being ' happy ', rather than being able to grow as adults and work through problems. It's not realistic to be happy all the time. Do you have some hobbies - a choir, yoga, swimming? Maybe modeling how you cope with life's challenges will help them too. Maybe looking at your own wellbeing will take the focus off them for a bit. I think menopause is not helpful for lots of people either, as it often coincides with other life challenges.

I’m like that and so is my mother and most older women in my family. In one hand I think it’s probably normal, on the other hand I think we’re all very enmeshed and I do wonder if other families have this level of involvement.

But overall I don’t think the worrying stops, if anything I worry more now.

Give yourself some credit OP. This is just a sign that you are a loving parent.

My parents don’t give a crap about me or my children. They’re too wrapped up in their golden child and my niece instead.

I wish my parents cared about me as much as you care about your kids.

I think it’s normal to worry about your children even when they’re adults but if this is a regular occurrence and it distracts you from getting on with your life day to day then I suggest a chat with a GP or maybe therapy. There’s a big difference between worrying about big changes I.e a redundancy but if you find yourself worrying about all the little things too it’s probably time to seek help

Me too ! 2 kids in 30s . I think it's because literally you have no control over their ups and downs ( not saying you should have they are adults )

Oh gosh! That's so much to go through, no wonder you are worried. I do hope things start to get better for you all. Thank you for your message.

Thank you for your advice. Yes I guess I just want them to be happy all the time but I know life isn't like this. I do have a busy life working full time and have hobbies and friends. It's just the worrying creeps into my thoughts.

Yes, it's the lack of control....

Yes, I may need to speak with the GP. These comments are helping too 😊

Ah thank you for this perspective! It must be upsetting for you to think your parents do not care. I hope you have other support around you.

Yes I worry more now than when they were children, although I can't pretend the teenage years were easy!!!

I always have a low level of worry buzzing in the background about my adult children. I feel better knowing I am not alone.

Goodness, Op, I could have written this!! I worry about them all the time.

In the last year we have had a miscarriage, a grandson and granddaughter in hospital, a break up of one son and his gf who we thought would be together forever and numerous other things. It is so hard to see them go through these things and feel helpless. I have no idea how to stop worrying, but I have sleepless nights when things just go around in my head and I can't stop them. Hugs. It is awful isn't it?

It's a fine line. I'm nearly 60 and my mother is getting on for 87. She still 'worries' about me and it does my head in. I have two DC in their mid 20's and I guess the only reason I would worry incessantly would be if they had major mental health issues. I gauge my parenting like this: If I died tomorrow, would they survive without me. The answer is yes. My job is done but I hope we will laugh together for a long time to come. We don't take life too seriously.

Ah thanks for sharing your experience, it's comforting to know it's the same for others. Obviously not nice to have the worry though.....

Ah, sounds like you have had a lot of upset to worry about. It's so hard. Thank you for sharing your experience 😊

This is a good way to think about it. I know my two would be able to navigate life without me if I wasn't here. I maybe just need to recognise when the worrying starts and consciously make an effort to change my train of thought.