How to handle constant worry about adult children

[TranquilitySeeker]

I have 2 grown up children in their 30's who are independent with families of their own. I see them regularly. Generally they are ok and happy as far as I can see. However, whenever something does happen like random issues with their partners, kids, jobs etc I worry constantly even though I know it's just life and they will have to work their way through it like I have done over the years. I seem to have a low level worry going on all of the time hoping they will be ok. For those of you with adult children, how do you manage this and can you separate this worry from your everyday life......it's so hard, I seem to feel guilty if they are down or upset and sometimes feel like I've been a bad parent when they were growing up but I know deep down that I haven't.....is this just part of being a parent? I just want a peaceful life and to feel calm now I'm older......hoping for some reassurance that I'm not the only one to feel like this. Thank you

Not just you, mine are in their 30s and I worry too. "Joys" of parenthood. 😱

Also peri / menopause can exacerbated anxiety - it is a leading symptom. I suffered greatly until HRT sorted that problem and more.

Mine are 23 and 20 and I'm always worrying about them. The problems as they get older are much worse and bigger than anything from when they were little even though at that time I thought there would be less worry when they were older...

My elderly and wise neighbour told me that having children means a lifetime of worry and she's not wrong so far.

Im now worrying mine dont have 3 days supplies!

I think the problem is many of us are closer to our DCs than our parents were with us. So DCs tell us everything (even when we would rather not hear it sometimes) which makes us worry. I’m of course pleased we have a great, open relationship with our DCs, but the flip side is we hear their problems too. Just sometimes, I think it would be easier if they didn’t share!

My DH can switch off / compartmentalise but I never can. Maybe mothers are just prigrammed to worry.

I was just thinking this today !!

Completely agree op - when they were little you could sort stuff out so easily. Now they are in their own homes facing their own problems I would love to be able to sort things for them and yes i definitely worry!

I can't tell my parents anything as I end up having to manage their reactions to every damn thing. It's hard dealing with everything alone and my relationship with them is now a surface level information diet.

Their inability to manage their anxiety has driven a wedge between us they don't even know is there. I made the mistake of telling them I was going away for 3 nights this summer and they hounded me the entire time I was away.

Never going to change. It's back to a secret life again. Very sad but I can't deal with their 'worrying' anymore.

I don't think the worry ever stops once you are a parent whatever age they are.

Mine are 27 and 21 and I worry non stop. Almost more than when they were kids. You have no control so it means they mess up from time to time or choose paths I wouldn’t have chosen. They need to do that of course, but it’s painful to watch at times. I think it’s normal to continue to worry and it’s odd when people say you need counselling quite honestly. I talk to my girlfriends and most now have adult children and they feel the same.

I read about how to lessen it. Try thinking back to when you were their age, would you have turned to your parents with problems? We were married with a massive, high interest mortgage at the age my adult children are now and although my parents were aware I didn’t look to them to help in any way. I think also as we are all living longer each stage of life is extended - I’m 62 and feel ‘middle aged’ still so childhood and adolescence is now considered longer too. The other thinking that helps is to tell yourself to trust them, trust that they can work it out just the way that you have through life. Whenever I have said that I’ve been worried about them for some reason, they say no need mum, it’s for us to fix not you! And it’s true, trust they’ll find a way, you’ve done your bit.

And then I worry about the GC ........

Me too. Daughter is 41 but I still worry when anything isn't going well in her life. It's draining and I wish I could switch off.