How to handle constant worry about adult children

[TranquilitySeeker]

I have 2 grown up children in their 30's who are independent with families of their own. I see them regularly. Generally they are ok and happy as far as I can see. However, whenever something does happen like random issues with their partners, kids, jobs etc I worry constantly even though I know it's just life and they will have to work their way through it like I have done over the years. I seem to have a low level worry going on all of the time hoping they will be ok. For those of you with adult children, how do you manage this and can you separate this worry from your everyday life......it's so hard, I seem to feel guilty if they are down or upset and sometimes feel like I've been a bad parent when they were growing up but I know deep down that I haven't.....is this just part of being a parent? I just want a peaceful life and to feel calm now I'm older......hoping for some reassurance that I'm not the only one to feel like this. Thank you

Do you think you worry more, and are more anxious generally now you are older? I know I definitely am more anxious now than when younger and this I think magnifies worry over our adult children. Har do imagine what I would do with my emotional energy if I didn't have my young adult dd to worry about.

Our family is definatly not enmeshed. I would welcome a bit more regular contact ( both boys ) I think I worry more about them because of the lack of regular contact unless they have a problem then I'm.first port of call ( no fallings out it's just the way it is )

This is your anxiety OP.

All parents of AC worry about them at some point. I always worry when they are on long journeys for instance ... but I worked for a trauma service so it is something that filled my life. And I worry that they overwork.
But they are their own people and live their own lives. If I happen to worry then thst is my problem to deal with.
What I don't do is to refer their life problems back to me or feel guilty that it might be my fault. I think that's a bit strange TBH.

Yes, I have always been a worrier but since the menopause it has stepped up a gear.

Thank you for your comments 😊 I recognise it's my issue and just need to acknowledge my worries when they pop in my head and try to then put them to one side.

Yes, I was diagnosed with a serious physical medical condition as a child which resulted in years of treatment and surgery which I believe is where my anxiety started. I've had lots of counselling for this over the years and seemed to have it under control. Since going through the menopause it seems to be creeping back up on me.

My husband's relationship with his AC is like this. He can go weeks without hearing from them but he doesn't seem to be bothered by this. I'm in regular contact with my AC.

I am afraid I am the same. If I am not worrying about my adult children I am worrying about my grandchildren.
I think it is very common. I know my friends are similar. I try to manage the worry but at times especially at night night the worry breaks through.
I think it's being unable to do anything to make things better for them and not being in control that makes it worse.
Sadly I think it is just part of being a parent.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's reassuring to know others are experiencing the same. I think I just need to manage the worry better 😊 I have a very busy life otherwise but like you say, it's night time when the worry intensifies.

OP I just came to say that I agree you sound like a lovely caring mum and your children are lucky to have you.

However like PP I am middle aged with a family of my own now and all the stresses and strains that come with that and I absolutely cannot cope with my mother’s endless worrying. I cannot carry her anxiety anymore so I just don’t tell her anything. It is not worth it for me - I can’t navigate my own life and also carry/manage her fears and fussing.

Please try and deal with your anxiety elsewhere so you are able to be a safe and supportive and steady place for them. Life is very stressful for most adults at the moment. Try to be a place / person where respite is found. It will be better for both you and your kids.

@TranquilitySeeker you sound very like me but as a lot of people are saying our anxieties are probably a bit more than what is normal and I do wonder whether I need some therapy.
My husband has also been ill and although not serious and very treatable dealing with the NHS is frustrating. I say that as a retired GP. The hospital communication is awful and I don't have control over the situation which really makes me more anxious.
Fortunately my 94 yo father is behaving just now so I'm not worrying about him just st now.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm also frustrated with the NHS. I had to wait 15 months to see a consultant following a GP referral when I already have a 45 year history of my condition. I did question if I needed to be re-referred and was told yes. As a result of the consultation I had 3 different scans in March but only just had an appointment come through to discuss the results of these in October! This will be 23 months after first going to see the GP. No wonder our anxiety levels are through the roof!

Ah thank you. It sounds like you are having to cope with a lot. I don't tell my AC that I'm worried. I just keep it all in my head.

I've raised my five (all in their thirties) to be self sufficient but to all join in and support one another if necessary, which they do. So I know if I wasn't around they'd all have each other but that they are all well-fitted for independent living.

Sometimes I worry (more about the grandchildren than my own children, to be honest), but then I try to tell myself that I did my job, I brought them up to solve their own problems and if they need me they will let me know.

It stops me spiralling into dreadful worry if they are either phoning me (something must be wrong!) or not phoning me (something must be wrong!).

I’m very much like this too and it’s not easy. Mine are late 30s and both having problems with children and money. Last week DH and I cancelled a break we were looking forward to as there was yet another emergency involving one of the adults, we both felt we wouldn’t be able to enjoy ourselves, now things have settled again, we can’t go as it’ll interfere with pre planned childcare. Maybe we both need to get a grip.

Had a thought reading all these comments but sorry if it doesn’t help.

Have you thought about reframing it when they tell you stuff has gone wrong? Stuff goes wrong and right all the time. Rather than focus on that event or issue - which is often totally out of anyone’s control - can you try to focus on whether their reaction or way of dealing with it appears to be constructive?

that is the bit that is in control - ‘who moved my cheese’ is a good read on controlling the controllables and developing resilience for whatever else life throws at us.

I would only start worrying if I could see they were unable to deal with it or that something was getting them down for a long time.

Being anxious or worried all the time doesn’t feel very healthy long term - all that cortisol washing around.

There are some great comments here so hope you find a way through it.

This is a really interesting thread with good advice and comments. I worry about mine (both in their 30’s) but I don’t tell them because I don’t want them to ‘not bother me’ for fear of upsetting me. That said, my anxiety can really spiral in private but therapy helped me to try and observe my thoughts more and to recognise when I’m catastrophising.
I do find that sometimes they like venting to me about something or talking through situations and I like that they still want to turn to me.

Honestly OP. You do need to speak to someone about this. It’s ok to be concerned on occasion, but it seems to be enveloping your thoughts.
FWIW, I grew up with a mother who worried about everything, catastrophised, and generally was unable to have a normal thought.

it was a miserable childhood and we never (and I mean never) told her anything where there was the remotest chance there could be a not so ideal outcome. As adults, we have only cursory conversations with her, and it’s always about her.

Try work on this, for yourself, but also to have a fully functioning adult relationship with your adult children and a good relationship with your grandchildren (my kids call my Mum Eeyore…as she is in stark contrast to their other Gran who is far less absorbed in the what could go wrong angle)

I don’t let mine know how much their worries upset me, but then I think sometimes they tell me too much, because I can cope, you can’t win.
My mum was a worrier, and took antidepressants most of her life, they didn’t seem to help, she just used to say I love you all so much I can’t help it, but because of that we didn’t have a close relationship I told her very little and kept some very big secrets from her, luckily I’ve got a good DH and friends to confide in, I don’t want to to become overwhelmed like my mum so maybe I should try therapy.
I just hope better times are around the corner.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment on here. There has been some excellent advice which I will be taking on board. I really appreciate it, thank you 😊