How to handle my 19-year-old son's ongoing hygiene problems

[Generic45]

DS is 19 and has personal hygiene issues. It has been the case for years.

Teeth brushing and body odour.

He does have some autistic traits (IMO) and has mild MH wobbles from time to time, but mainly he is happy and functions well.

I suggest nicely and casually that he showers and he says “later” or just ignores me. Even when I then get more blunt he just doesn’t accept that he smells.

Why is he like this and what do I do about it?

Do you cook for him? Could you try saying teas ready after you've showered?

Another vote for being blunt. If you don't want to be mean you can be blunt in a direct / jokey way. My son is autistic and often I have to try different approaches to get through to him. Often making a joke or giving a challenge or offering a motivation will work (I have to constantly mix it up - the same approach will rarely work twice). Long story short though, my son knows no one wants to sit next to a smelly person and if we don't wash properly every day we get smelly.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice You are misstating what I have and haven’t said. I have not “only just noticed” ND traits.

No idea why you haven’t had this in place since they were a baby, much harder when you have allowed him not to.

If you bothered to read OP’s posts you would see it was part of the bedtime routine when younger.

@Generic45 could a shower timer help? You can get 4 minute shower timers from the water boards as water saving devices but it might help if he knows - and can see - that he can be done within 4 minutes.

I'm ND and time blindness is a real thing - tasks I dislike or feel overwhelming can feel like they stretch out for eternity.

Also if he likes music / podcasts then perhaps a shower speaker?

Sensory issues, and the demand of washing. Very hard for ND people. Not sure really unless you can convince him to have like a flannel wash?

Im sure the OP finds that super helpful.

RTFT.

@Generic45 when you have a car chat, it might also be a good idea to approach it by finding out why he finds it so difficult.

"I can see you find it challenging, please help me understand why...Is it the temperature change? Does the process a to b feel overwhelming?"

And then work out solutions which will help, while making it clear he needs to work with you.

I’m not sure why you have quoted me and told me to RTFT?

Im a mum of 2 SEN children.

It is totally normal as they grow up for their sensory needs to change, my eldest used to bath almost daily, then had a stage where it was like id suggested she bathe in cats urine.

You've had lots of good advice already but i just wanted to add a couple of things.

NT people tend to see things as a whole event. Im gonna have a shower. Whereas with ND the process is more, gather the motivation to do the task, then its putting the water on, finding the temperature, then taking your clothes off, getting in the shower, and im not sure if your son might be thr same but here we have the issue of not being able to wash straight away, so its getting used to the shower, the temp, humidity, direction of spray, etc, then washing. Then rinsing, then getting out. So its not just getting in the shower, in our minds it become a job with 10 steps. We've had issues because all of these steps feel overwhelming, and its not just "jumping in the shower" its a combination of steps.

Have you tried different times of day for showering? You might find mid morning is a better time than early morning or later.

Me and my eldest cant stand having the "big light" on when we're bathing, we either have the door open a crack or a little light on if its charged 🤣. We have a chargeable light in the bathroom that has different colours too. Also music/a programme on, audio book make a difference.

Also we have a shower over the bath, and a sit down shower is great sometimes.

Ill see if I can think of anything else 🙂

I can’t keep up with the usernames but I think there was probably a quote fail above @scoopofmintchocchipicecream

I think it is @Skybluepinkythat needs to RTFT and not post unhelpful/judgy one liners.

So sorry with the epic fail there.

Obviously it’s not you who needs to do that

For our son we realised he would shower fine but the deodorant was the issue, due to sensory issues. With some trial and error (and a lot of money spent of different products) we managed to find a stick that he will use. We do have to remind him to use it though!