How to handle my 19-year-old son's ongoing hygiene problems

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DS is 19 and has personal hygiene issues. It has been the case for years.

Teeth brushing and body odour.

He does have some autistic traits (IMO) and has mild MH wobbles from time to time, but mainly he is happy and functions well.

I suggest nicely and casually that he showers and he says “later” or just ignores me. Even when I then get more blunt he just doesn’t accept that he smells.

Why is he like this and what do I do about it?

Would he prefer a strip wash, bath or even wiping round with hygiene wipes perhaps?

Even if you could get him to do something every day if not a shower it would help.

I would find it so stressful living with that, I have to nag my OH to wash sometimes, awful.

Have all talks like this in the car - it's much easier - you driving, him in the passenger seat. There is something about not being able to look at each other but being totally private and safe that I find works well.

I do agree. I’ve often used this tactic with DH and the DC.

In this case though the OP might need to keep the car windows open…

NC as a bit ashamed. I am ND (ADHD and ASD) and I sometimes find it hard to shower. I think it’s a few things - issues with starting an activity, and then also all the things to remember to do in the shower (executive functioning):

• make sure I get out all the relevant shower things and put them in the right place
• collect towels and put them in the right place
• turn on shower and get temp right
• take clothes off and put them in right place
• wet hair
• shampoo hair, rinse off
• put soap on loofah
• scrub armpits and ears and groin, rinse off
• lather legs, shave them etc etc
• dry off
• moisturise
• put on deodorant
• choose clothes, put them on

So some days I just don’t, esp if I’m wfh. I’m more likely to do it if all the stuff is in the right place, and I have a list telling me what to do next I can follow so I don’t have to try and remember and get upset when I miss something out or eg want to shave legs in shower but razor is not to hand.

Maybe a laminated list would help your son, and a caddy with all the necessities in that he can take in?

Do rules and timetables work?
Showers must be taken on these days.
Wash on those days.
Clothes must be washed daily.. my DD has multiples of same t shirt to help this

Thank you for the support and suggestions, I really appreciate it the understanding and compassionate responses and from those who have pointed out/understand that this could be a sensory issue. Thank you SN parents for popping over here if that’s how you found it.

When it’s such a normal (and pleasant for most people) thing to do - a lovely relaxing warm shower - I must admit that it hadn’t occurred to me that things like soap/towel etc could make a difference so I will try that plus some other things mentioned.

Luckily he does always wear fresh clothes and any that still smell after washing get chucked. So it could be worse. Solidarity to anyone else dealing with this sort of thing.

Also agree on trying different toothpastes. ND household here and we’ve all settled on different ones. It’s a bit annoying that there can be 5 different toothpastes all out but I’d rather have that than go back to the dodging days.

My DD will only use her own towel and toothpaste

I'm guessing gaming or some other online addiction is at the root of it. They just don't want to disconnect and do what's needed.

Firstly, plainly state what's exoected. "I expect you to shower daily and wash your hair and put clean clothes on because if you don't, you smell and your room smells and it's unpleasant to be around. For me and for everyone else."

Then, consider what leverage you have. Does he rely on you for money? Internet, lifts, meals? You will do those things when he has kept up his side of the bargain and showered as requested. "Mum, can I....?" "Yep, once you've showered." No further discussion will be entered into.

Same with my DD.

She also has a mobile speaker and will play music whilst she showers, at least she’s getting clean though

Just one thing at a time. One task per day.
Today I want you empty the bin in your room.
Tomorrow brush your teeth.
Dont overwhelm him.
It’s worth trying to understand the barriers.
The person I know who is like this enjoys the natural smell of his body, it’s comforting. Same with the feel of his unbrushed teeth. Washing represents a change, and change can be difficult to process. How do you know you’ll like the change?

I do agree with one thing at a time but for now I’d concentrate on getting the DS in question clean. She can empty his bin, she can’t really wash his armpits or clean his teeth.

And child lock all the doors, unless you want an Anne in Amandaland situation

Agree with previous posters. Don't use shower gel, only bar soap. Use Imperial Leather in the red packaging. It was the only thing that sorted the hygiene issue for ours and years later, cured of their smelliness, they still use it.

My daughter went through this stage around 12-13. I was really blunt with her and told her that it’s not acceptable to smell and nobody lives here who smells and whilst it’s my house you’re not allowed to be a soap dodger whilst you live here.

if she “forgot” to shower then her iPad was taken off her for 2 days. Next time she conveniently forgot it got taken off her for a week!

after that she never forgets now and she never complains about showering.

my son who has adhd and suspected sensory issues is also a soap dodger (he’s 9) and every night is a debate with her and he’s always trying to convince me as to why he doesn’t need a shower that day. I take no nonsense with him and just grab him and shove him in the bathroom as he’s still whinging 🤣

I tell them both that when they get their own place they can smell all they like but not here.

as your son is 20 is more difficult as he’s an adult and obviously the removal of stuff is not something you can do with a grown adult. I would turn the WiFi off though until he’s had his daily shower and teeth brushing

I’ve gone back over the OP and all subsequent updates and can’t find any reference to gaming or other online addiction so this is a bit of a leap to say the least.

OP has reason to believe there is some ND going on. If that’s the case, a more sensitive and considered approach than ‘my way or the highway’ is called for; the alternative either won’t work at all or not without causing knock-on problems.

I appreciate that might seem OTT if you’ve not been there and got the T-shirt yourself. But a bit of compassion and the mental agility to entertain the prospect that different people can cope with different things is not really too much to ask for.

I have similar issues with DD, but even more baffling, she showers daily, often twice daily.

It has recently come to light that she doesn’t use any shower gel or soap, only water. This explains why there’s always a faint (although pungent) sweat smell after she leaves the bathroom.

I was speechless and pretty confused because this is a new thing. Apparently she decided she doesn’t like the feeling of gel or soap. I assume she must be nose blind to her own smell, but anything I say is an attack so I’m stuck.

I understand this but perhaps just having fewer 'tasks' or 'stages' would help

I shower every day, I love washing, but I make sure towels are always hanging in the bathroom, they dont move anywhere else. I chuck what Im wearing on the floor of the bathroom and will deal with it later. Shower things always round the edge of the shower/soap etc. I also dont really shave my legs

I dont always wash my hair every day so it just sits under the shower head. I dont use a loofah/sponge/flannel, just rub the soap over me. I dont moisturise as such, sometimes yes sometimes no. Dry off in the bathroom and then walk into bedroom to get dressed.

So your new routine might read

Get undressed, throw clothes on the floor. Get in shower, use soap all over, rinse off. Get out of shower. Dry off. Walk into bedroom and get dressed.

If you need to shave legs do it separately perhaps

Would the shower mousse foamy stuff be a better texture for her?

I wouldn't have started my post with 'I'm guessing' if OP had already provided that information, would I? Perhaps you can let her consider whether it's a factor rather than leaping in to argue the toss when you don't know either.

And yes I have been there and got the tshirt with 2 adult sons with ADHD, one of whom had the most appalling hygiene. Not everything has to be overthought and overcatered to the nth degree. Sometimes, 'this is what we do, no exceptions', without any angst or emotion attached to it, is the simplest and most effective and stress free way forward for everyone.

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone I agree with @InfoSecInTheCity’s suggestion of trying a shower mousse.

DD used to enjoy the Imperial Leather ones, now they are older and they’re earning they’ve swapped to Rituals.

I appreciate it looks like a long list with many unnecessary directions but for me it’s much less overwhelming to break down the tasks into small elements because it eliminates the thinking and the thinking leads to distraction and/or avoidance.

I will try again, I used to buy mousse but I found it seemed to last much less for the price so I stopped, but it might be the answer.

It’s become a lot more popular over the last few months so now it’s available in all the home bargains/poundshop type store and on offer in Superdrug so hopefully should be a bit more cost effective now.