How to handle my 19-year-old son's ongoing hygiene problems

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DS is 19 and has personal hygiene issues. It has been the case for years.

Teeth brushing and body odour.

He does have some autistic traits (IMO) and has mild MH wobbles from time to time, but mainly he is happy and functions well.

I suggest nicely and casually that he showers and he says “later” or just ignores me. Even when I then get more blunt he just doesn’t accept that he smells.

Why is he like this and what do I do about it?

Daise seems to be popular at the minute with the younger ones

Im sorry but at 19 he really should be on top of this and you are well beyond the 'hurt feelings' stage. If you can notice it I guarantee his peers/work colleagues have and they will not be saying terribly nice things about him behind his back. A shower takes five minutes, brushing your teeth less, if he is living under your roof he needs to sign up to basic standards or personal care, it is incredibly selfish if he thinks he can inflict his piss poor hygiene onto others in the household.

And this is why it’s best to have these kinds of conversations on the SN boards.

Tell him we can't smell ourselves and he stinks. There's no excuse when there's hot and cold running and soap on tap, so to speak.

get the routine established. Every morning he has a shower and brushes his teeth before he does anything else. Nag, nag, nag.
Brush teeth before bedtime
once it’s fixed in a routine, hopefully you wont have any further problems

My son is younger (14). He was super reluctant to up his showers from every other day to every day when puberty hit, but I basically had to be super blunt with him. I told him he stank and while he might not care, he's being unkind to other people by making them smell him.
Also, when he did increase his showers, he still smelled. So I made him get in the shower with his pants on and taught him how much product to use, where and how to apply it properly.
He also is reminded every night after his shower to put on his roll-on and brush his teeth.
It's a constant series of reminders that work for him.

When trying different toothpastes, as well as trying different flavours/tastes and textures, try some that don’t foam.

If it is sensory related, it could go beyond needing to change soap, towel, etc. Some with sensory difficulties can find showering unpleasant or even painful when the water hits the skin. DS1 can’t tolerate showers. He only has baths for this reason. Another thing that can be a problems with sensory difficulties is getting out into the colder air.

I second pp suggesting a checklist. Breaking down the actual washing process rather than just saying ‘get a shower’ or ‘wash’.

If DS reacts to bluntness with saying you are being unkind, there may be some rejection sensitive dysphoria at play. If that is the case, bluntness to that extent may have the opposite effect to what you want.

What are DS’s energy levels like generally? Fatigue can play a part of reluctance to shower.

If DS needs more support with the actual processes, have a look at backward chaining.

Has DS ever had an OT assessment?

Totally agree on trying less foamy toothpastes. Took me a long time to realise the bit I didn’t like about cleaning my teeth was the overwhelming foaming.

I also don’t like how the cooler air hits you as you get out of the shower. I need a big towel and my dressing gown to have to wrap myself up straightaway.

Thank you. @IAmUsingTheApplauseReactionSarcastically

Some people have got no idea.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice

It’s not a factor.

Agreed. I shan’t be using this board again for things like this.

I am quite shocked at how out of touch so many people are to the ways and needs of those with ND.

Does he wash with a bar of soap or shower gel? I’ve just had to tell my 2 boys that they need to use a bar of soap (dettol) to get clean and then if they want to smell like the shower gel (get given loads) they can use that afterwards. Remind them to use soap on their feet and between their toes. To me, shower gel just washes down the plug hole. I suggest you get them off spray deodorant also as likelihood is they are missing their pits. Do you have anyone else they would listen to? A grandparent, partner etc? If so get that person to tell them they smell. Ensure their bedding towels and clothes are properly clean - use dettol sanitiser, or white vinegar instead of softener. You really can’t make them get a shower if they are being stubborn. Does he go to the dentist? I used to contact my kids dentist and ask them to hint that it didn’t look like they were cleaning their teeth properly!! Ask them why they don’t believe you they smell and ask them why you would lie to them about smelling. Sorry not in a straight forward order, just as things sprung into my mind.
If you want to be more confrontational - tell them they smell and it’s making you feel sick.

I know. It’s almost as if some of the posters haven’t bothered to read your OP

The problem is that a lot of adults need to shower in the morning to stay fresh. At night might be ok for a baby or young child, but post puberty, it needs to be before work/school.

I have a ND mini-man. I tell him bluntly, you have to wash your penis and testicles with soap everyday. Soap up your butt crack. Soap in your armpits. I make it clear. If you don't wash, you smell and people will laugh at you.

I think you need to keep being blunt.

Yes you have to be blunt these are our tactics with YP with ND, no room for ambiguity or confusion.

One idea which can work for some ND kids/teens is to remain very factual about it. Try to remove any element of shame. Explain how the smell is caused on a scientific level. That it’s unpleasant for others and so these are the things that can help. Make it more into a mission or puzzle to be solved rather than a personal criticism.

Thanks for reminding me of that thread. I followed it for a while but hadn’t seen the big update. That OP sounded like a very nice woman.

I apologise if my comments have contributed to your upset. I assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that his ND must be pretty 'mild' (for want of a better word) if you are just suspecting it at 19yo and this is the main issue he's presenting with, because hygiene is a pretty common issue in teens.

I would have, and did, deal with this in my own ND children with a very matter of fact 'yes I know it's harder for you than it is for some people and I'm sorry, but it's part of life and still has to be done' approach rather than fretting about whether the towels were fluffy enough or the soap was soapy enough. Likewise, we had frequent chats about the things they excelled at, the aim being for them to be humble but focussed on their strengths, and to acknowledge but be willing to put effort into improving areas of weakness, and to understand that's pretty universal for all people regardless of diagnosis. Obviously this approach might not be right at the really pointy end of ND but I put it out there without knowing where your DS sits on the spectrum.

If you've realised that his executive function is such that he needs more than just extra reminding and incentives to bathe, it's probably time to look at a full assessment of his needs rather than picking off individual issues. There may be other things he needs support with.

Is he an only child? If not get his sibling to tell him. My mum telling me I stink was one thing but my brother borderline bullying me definitely worked. I’m grateful now tbh.

rather than fretting about whether the towels were fluffy enough or the soap was soapy enough.

I think this is quite dismissive of sensory processing difficulties.

The main boards can be awful for discussing anything related to ND.

When my las was a bit younger than yours OP, maybe 14 ir so he had horrendous body odour, but he grew out of it. He didnt see a problem but I just had say ' lad, uou bloody well stink and its not fair on the rest if the house' it got a bit if a result but what finally worked was his older brother telling him that he smelled disgusting!!!
We never has a problem after that.
However im not sure of how that approach woukd work with your DS.

Some people like scratchy towels, some people like fluffy towels. You mentioned disliking a blast of cold air after a hot shower, I'm pretty sure everyone hates that. Ideally, we get to shower with our preference, but we do need to shower either way.

Again, we are talking about a 19yo whose parent has only just noticed that they may have some ND traits. Hygiene has been a problem in the last few years according to OP, so he was apparently fine with bathing before that. The first response should be to encourage back to normal behaviour rather innediately jumping to reasons why he shouldn't. If that's not possible, then dig deeper.

Again, you are showing a lack of understanding of sensory issues and are being dismissive of them. It isn’t about preferences and it isn’t about disliking things. Sensory processing difficulties are more than that.

My post said “if it is sensory related” not that it definitely was.

I didn’t say ‘dislike’. I didn’t mention a ‘blast’ either. It doesn’t have to be a ‘blast’ of colder air. Slight changes can still cause significant difficulties for some with sensory processing difficulties. Most, but actually not everyone as you say, hate the colder air getting out of the shower, but not everyone has sensory processing issues that mean it can be a problem for them and adds another layer.

No, not everyone has to shower. There are other ways of washing.

I’m sure if all it took was encouragement, OP wouldn’t be posting. I doubt she has sat back and not encouraged SS given her posts.