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Parenting

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Original poster

Have any of you made arrangements for someone to raise your child if the worst was to happen to you and DH?

76 replies

ILikeYourSleeves · 26/08/2008 20:38

I was reading a thread in AIBU about christenings and not having them if you are not religious. We are not having DS christened for this reason but it has made me think about what would happen to DS (10 months) should anything happen to both of us. Christenings come with godparents but for those of you whose children don't have godparents, have you made any official arrangements for who would bring your child/ren up if the worst happened? I know it's all quite morbid but I guess it's one of those things we need to think of once we are parents. I feel we need to have something in writing too as I wouldn't want DS to be brought up by my own family (parents too old and not physically able to bring up grandson plus I wouldn't want my sister to bring him up), would DS 'automatically' have the mothers family as his guardian if we made no alternative arrangements? I would like my best mate or SIL to do it but it's a huge ask isn't it.

Not sure what to do about this one, can anyone who's been there advise on what they have done and if possible the legal side of things? Thanks

OP posts:

McDreamy · 26/08/2008 20:40

We have specified what we want for our children in our will.

Mimsy2000 · 26/08/2008 20:41

i've thought about this too but never really took it far enough. my dh found it all too morbid to cope with. pls let us know if you find any ways to cement things.

BroccoliSpears · 26/08/2008 20:41

Dp and I have a joint will (quite a detailed and complicated one as we're not married). It is written into our will that dd and any subsequent children would go to live with my brother and his family, and their finances will be controlled by dp's father. We've okayed it with both parties too.

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cmotdibbler · 26/08/2008 20:43

We have it in our wills that Dh's brother is to be DS's guardian with friends as a back up. There is no automatic placement with any family member - this happened to a friend of ours that when his mother died, he and his brother went into care and the family had to apply to SS to foster/adopt the children.

You do need to sort it out and get it officially recorded.

choosyfloosy · 26/08/2008 20:45

Make a will. We chose a brother/SIL to do it, and luckily they were willing . I don't think there's any rules on who would have first refusal of the kids IYSWIM.

Sorry if that sounds flippant - I don't mind discussing this sort of stuff, perhaps because I've never yet lost anyone close to me.

midnightexpress · 26/08/2008 20:45

We haven't, and we don't have wills either.

But I don't think it's any more of a big ask than it is for godparents iyswim. I mean, yes it is a big thing, of course, but no more so than if you asked someone to be a godparent.

PinkChick · 26/08/2008 20:45

scares the hell out of me things like this, ihadnt actually thought about it at all, but worried now as i dont leave dd with anyone other than me and dp (or mum if we go out and dd is in bed as mum couldnt manage)..thinking about it, although my friend and her mum and dad are godparents, i think i would ask my sister in law (dp's sister) and her husband ..urgh hate saying this!..should anything so horrible happen..awful thing to have to deal with, but am thinking it WILL need to be discussed now!?

yousaidit · 26/08/2008 20:46

God parents mean knack all when it comes to who has your kids when you popyour clogs, you need a will. And if anyone can't be motivated by not being able to think who they would most like to look after their children when they aren't there, then FGS arrange one to stop thiose you don't want raising your children getting chance to become legal guardians. My sis is named in our will, and likewise with her brood. There is no way on this earth I want anyone else to raise my dc's. To the best of my knowledge, there is no immediate 'right' to be a legal guardian, and it just needs someone to start being akward: for the sake f a few quid (our joint will was about £70) i would say definately get a will drawn up and TELL YOUR FAMILY THAT YOU HAVE GOT ONE!!!!!!! I spent a good few days at my grans house recently digging out a mysterious will no one else knew about!!!!!!

babyOcho · 26/08/2008 20:51

I don't think that having DC christened and with godparents chosen is the same as having an official record should DC become an orphan.

We have yet to make our will, but I have asked my sister to take care of DD should she become an orphan.

MrsTittleMouse · 26/08/2008 20:55

We have a will. It's the only way to ensure that your wishes will be taken into account if you both die. It isn't completely binding, by the way, so if the person that you nominate has been sectioned or something your children won't still be sent to them, but the judge will take your request very seriously, and only over-rule it if there are serious consequences for the children otherwise.

We also have it written into our wills that our money will be in trust for our DCs, and we have nominated financial trustees for them too. The guardians can use any of the money that they want for living expenses when the DC are younger. Our DC don't get control of the money until they're 24 (and hopefully old enough to be sensible with it), although if we died very young, I don't suppose that there'd be much left after 2 children had been raised on it over the years.

We did all this when DD1 was born, and we set up life insurance too. It was very difficult at the time, the worst bit being choosing the guardians, but it definitely gives me peace of mind now.

Shoegazer · 26/08/2008 20:57

We have a will and my DD would go to live with my parents, we arranged the will just before she was born and my parents are aware and in agreement and thankfully young enough (in forties) to take on the responsbility should this arise.

squeaver · 26/08/2008 21:00

MAKE A WILL!!

It's not the godparents - they're just there to give them gifts!

Discuss it with each other and anyone else involved and GET ON WITH IT!

Missybaby · 26/08/2008 21:06

I'm glad you've brought this up as I have this constant nagging feeling that this is something I should do but have yet to sort out. The problem is who to choose. It's so difficult when there are two families to choose from, i.e. mine and DH's. I would like my side to bring them up, DH wants his family to bring them up. We start discussing it and it usually ends up in a row and then us shelving it as it's just too difficult to come to an agreement [sigh]

rookiemater · 26/08/2008 21:23

We have written a will and we have SIL and family as first choice, and then if they feel that for whatever reason it is not for them then my cousin.

It would be hard for my parents as currently they see DS loads as they only live an hour away and Sil lives about 4 hours away from them. But they agreed that it is important that someone who is younger than them should bring our DS up as it would be too hard on them and unfair on DS.

Just hope it never happens. We are diametrically opposed to SIL and family on some issues such as they do not believe in private schooling and our devout christians who go to summer camps and lots of services. But I know they would love DS and look after him properly so it is the best choice.

DwayneDibbley · 26/08/2008 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Psychobabble · 26/08/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 26/08/2008 21:45

i dont have a will but i do intend to get a legal agreement/will that states i want dd1 to kept with dd2 and her father should anything happen to me as he is not her paternal father and i worry that would cause problems as he wouldnt have a legal right to custody of her. though im sure no one would fight him on it im npt sure where he would stand re ss!

if we both go i would like my middle sister to have my kids ill probably make a will like others have suggested.

Original poster

ILikeYourSleeves · 26/08/2008 21:50

Thanks for all the replies, all very helpful. How have you made wills? I've heard you can buy them on the high street or do we need to go via a solicitor? Is it valid as long as it's signed?

It's hard as there are things I would / wouldn't like to happen in DS's life if he were to be brought up by someone else but I don't think I can specify that in the will can I? Argh it's all horrible just thinking about it all

OP posts:

pointydog · 26/08/2008 21:59

We did ask sil ages ago and then never got round to getting a will made. A sorry state of affairs. We really must.

Rhian82 · 26/08/2008 22:11

We're intending to make wills once DS is born (he's our first). DH is reluctant as he just thinks "oh, our parents will take care of him", but we've got three sets of parents between us and I think it's important to get it sorted out beforehand. At some point we're going to sit down, make a decision, then speak to whoever we choose and see that they're okay with it. Then make a will.

slinkiemalinki · 26/08/2008 22:11

You don't need to write a will - under the Children Act just appoint the person you would like to, in writing, and they will be legal guardian. Or you can do it in a will to make financial provision also - look here - easy and free way of doing it. Not easy for us as we don't agree who's best as main carer - I am convinced it's my parents; my husband his sister!

TheFallenMadonna · 26/08/2008 22:12

We have a will.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/08/2008 22:13

You should have a will anyway really, even if you have made your intentions re guardianship known in another way.

KM1 · 26/08/2008 22:14

Our financial advisor drew up our wills just after our first child was born. Dh's brother and wife have agreed to become guardians for our children if necessary and we have specified in the will what money there would be to pay for the children's upbringing (and also discussed this with BIL and SIL).

Acinonyx · 26/08/2008 22:15

We had a will drawn up through a solicitor. We named friends to be dd's legal guardians as we have no appropriate family. We thought about this a lot - it would really worry me not to have these arrangements in place.

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