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Original poster

Have any of you made arrangements for someone to raise your child if the worst was to happen to you and DH?

76 replies

ILikeYourSleeves · 26/08/2008 20:38

I was reading a thread in AIBU about christenings and not having them if you are not religious. We are not having DS christened for this reason but it has made me think about what would happen to DS (10 months) should anything happen to both of us. Christenings come with godparents but for those of you whose children don't have godparents, have you made any official arrangements for who would bring your child/ren up if the worst happened? I know it's all quite morbid but I guess it's one of those things we need to think of once we are parents. I feel we need to have something in writing too as I wouldn't want DS to be brought up by my own family (parents too old and not physically able to bring up grandson plus I wouldn't want my sister to bring him up), would DS 'automatically' have the mothers family as his guardian if we made no alternative arrangements? I would like my best mate or SIL to do it but it's a huge ask isn't it.

Not sure what to do about this one, can anyone who's been there advise on what they have done and if possible the legal side of things? Thanks

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 27/08/2008 11:43

We have written wills, and specified who will have guardianship of our DC if we die. We did ask the people we wanted to be guardians, and tbh, they were actually really proud that we wanted them to raise our DC (they are both childless currently, though I think one couple will start a family soon).

It is a burden that I worry about placing on my friends, but the chance that DH and I both will die is pretty small. Family situation meant that it was really important that we did this- DD is already 2.6 so we couldn't leave it any longer.

Pinkjenny · 27/08/2008 11:45

Same as EachPeachPearMum.

Slightly depressing process though, it was all like, but what if she is also dead, but what if he is also dead?

But very important.

hattyyellow · 27/08/2008 11:46

The thing I would find hard is finding a friend with a house big enough..we have life insurance policies which could cover food, clothes etc but most of our friends have one child/2 bed house...

I don't think we could afford enough life cover for them to buy a bigger place - even if our three kids shared a room...or the bigger car or all the other reasons many people don't have more children..and there's also the emotional head space of asking a friend to go from one or two children to four or five..

I think I need to start cultivating a rich friend who would love to have more children and has a big house

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting Philosophy & religion

Acinonyx · 27/08/2008 12:14

hatty - do you own your current house? My understanding is that in this situation the guardians use the sale of your house to purchase a bigger house - but perhaps try to keep some back in trust for dc. That's what ours would do.

hattyyellow · 27/08/2008 12:23

Cheers Acinonyx, sadly we're renting - can't afford to buy at the moment...

slinkiemalinki · 27/08/2008 14:10

Appointing your children's guardians in the event both their parents die takes five minutes and is well worth doing even if you subsequently intend to sort out a will. Our will has been a number of years in the coming given impending house purchase and the like, and I can sleep easy at night knowing that my parents are appointed legal guardians should the worst come to the worst.
Apparently it often causes far more conflict than the finances when people come to sort out wills! Even though my daughter does appear to be closer to my parents, my husband seems to see it as a loyalty issue unfortunately, so it was v important to me to sort it.
It will be very difficult when we come to do the wills!

Minkus · 27/08/2008 14:59

thanks hatty

yes you're right i suppose- no one would ever do it "our" way anyway so making sure whoever we ask loves the boys and would do their best by them is the thing to focus on

Original poster

ILikeYourSleeves · 27/08/2008 16:08

I have spoken to Dh about all this and we have agreed that we will ask SIL to be guardian, with my best mate as 'back up'. But so many questions have been raised like (oh this is awful to say) what if SIL then died? As I'm not sure I'd want DS brought up by her DH alone...? Plus will the other inlaws feel miffed? How do I explain to my own family that I don't want them as guardians? My sister is currently PG and she recently asked me to be there for her baby should anything happen to her but I wouldn't want her to bring up my DS for various reasons- it will no doubt be difficult telling her that, argh.

OP posts:

PinkChick · 01/09/2008 09:05

just been searching for this again!

SIL is coming round with niece today and am going to ask her (and her DH) to be guardians should anything ever happen..BUT my oldest friend came around alst night Who is dd's godmother and we had a huge talk and sorted out some thigns which had been bugging us all..NOw im confused...both have very different ways of doing things (which are also totally different too mine) friend has lots of family who dd knows but is sometimes somewhat laid back about things im anal about, plus is quite religious (not in the ramming it down your throAT KIND OF WAY, BUT IT BOTHERS DP)oops sorry caps on..where as SIL does do things more like we do, but her dh does do lots of the parenting as well, when we see them at weekends as mum ahs been looking after their dd all week, Dh tends to take over (or is told/asked too)..now i trust HIM exactly the same, but am just stressing about something i hope will never need to happen, but also worried about making the right choice!???..DP thinks his sis, im not opposed to it, but should we have a back up?? and do we list how we want things to go or is that down to a will? and how do you tell a back up..theyre ONLY a back up not a first choice? and how do you ask the person to be guardian or back up, what do you say???
flipping heck am stressing out now

PinkChick · 01/09/2008 16:10

Have just been out with my Sil and the children and whilst out said i had something big to ask her..she looked scared..i explained that i'd read 'somewere' about guardianship, should anything happen to both parents and as id not even thought about it before i had spoke with dp at great lengh and we both came to the same conclusion that should anything ever happen to both of us, the only person we could be happy looking after d would be her and her dh..i said i didnt need her to answer me and understood she would need to speak to dh but she laughed and said your joking arent you?..id neevr let anything happen to (our) dd of course shed be honoured (should such a horrible situation arise) to do that..she also wrongly assumed like most of us that, that is what the godparents were for and said this is WHY she chose US(me and dp-her brother)..but when i said this wasnt the case she panicked herself and asked me to print off one of those forms so she could fill in with our names on and would update their will's.
...feel so relieved...i know my mum wont be happy about it, but at then end of the day i/nor dp intends for ANYTHING to happen to either of us!, but ensuring dd is in the best possible care 'if' anything should happen is my main priority, so now i feel better..still dont know if to back up???.. and will sort out will now, but relief at speaking to SIL

Thankyou so much for starting this thread ILikeYourSleeves

ILoveDolly · 01/09/2008 16:12

this is such a hard decision. we were on the brink of doing our will to include it and then the apparently happy couple we had fixed on got divorced and now back to the drawing board. so much politics...........

PinkChick · 01/09/2008 16:12

also main thing that spurred me into doing it today was all the horrible news about flights crashing, setting on fire lately as we go away this month! and as irrational as i am..it was something i wouldnt have been able to not deal with!..ill be assuming the plane is going to ahve probs now!....will be so glad when holdiay i over now

PinkChick · 01/09/2008 16:13

thing is id be happy with SIL on her own or BIL on his own should anything happen to one of them, but obv would' they' be able to manage then??

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 01/09/2008 16:44

such a contentious issue - we're expecting our pfb in October and have decided on DH's sister. Her and her fiance have a 4yr old daughter and are great parents. We've discussed it with them and they were delighetd to be asked - but I know they're planning on trying for a second in a year or two so I intend to double check with them again when their situation changes.

Trouble is I've told my dad but not my mum. I think she'd be really upset we're not choosing her, but the only reason we're not is because they live in France, so away from DH's family and all my friends who I would want to continue having an active role in pfb's life. Am too scared to raise it with her to be honest...but then we may have to change it if/when SIL has another baby. I know SIL would be aware of me wanting to make sure my family were involved, can I (or is it unfair to) insist in a will that for example holidays are spent with my parents? I would want my parents to have our baby if SIL wasn't able to for whatever reason.

I'd choose friends otherwise but none of ours are in the right place in their lives (we're in our mid twenties) and I wouldn't put that responsibility on them.

It is horrible to think about but it's so important - especially if it otherwise means your dc will go straight into a care home.

DH has life insurance through work but that paying insurance every month to give your child £1000 pcm in the event of both parents' death is a really good idea, as we also rent so have no house to sell on.

chunkychips · 01/09/2008 16:46

We've also had it put in our will.

CNFT · 01/09/2008 16:53

We have no one to have ours in teh event of both of us dying. They would go into the care system unfortunately.

Anyone want three really gorgeous children? ;)

CNFT · 01/09/2008 17:08

no? don't blame you lol. They are freakishly loud and expensive hehe

FourArms · 01/09/2008 17:43

I can't even remember our 2nd choice person now . Fairly sure it's my MIL. I wanted my parents to be our first choice (in early 50's now), and my MIL and FIL were split up when we made our will, so they were the easy choice in terms of finances and stability for the DS's. Now my MIL and FIL are back together though, but the wills are made. I haven't actually asked my MIL, but she knows that my parents are the first choice, and she would be happy to take the reins if need be. Third and fourth choices are my two sisters.

Financially they'd be OK - mortgage insurance would pay off our mortgage so our flat could be sold or rented as needs be. We've also got seperate life insurance policies which would provide for them. We've also got a specialist policy which pays out within 24 hours which would pay for any immediate expenses.

My parents have agreed to be our first choice, and know the details of our financial affairs should the worst happen. They also know the name and address of the solicitors that our will is lodged with. All important life insurance policies etc are in a file with copies of our wills. So... I think we're sorted. Hopefully will never be needed though.

AuntyVi · 01/09/2008 19:59

I nagged and nagged DH about this after DS was born until we finally got wills drawn up which include guardianship. I personally think it is one of those things that everyone owes it to their kids to do - you could be the world's best parents, but if something happens to you then what? We couldn't decide between BIL's and SIL's family and they were both happy to be named, so in the end we put both down and they would then be able to decide which family actually took him in if anything happened, based on their circumstances at the time. We chose them because both our parents would be a bit old to do it, and because they both have families already and know the ropes, unlike my brother and sister who have no kids and wouldn't easily be able to take one on.

PS regarding wills, some people mentioned old wills done before they married - did you know these will have become invalid when you married? So you would need to do a new one anyway.

olivo · 01/09/2008 20:31

Haven't actually read the whole of this thread, but I will in a minute! I just wanted to say that we have arranged that BIL would have DD if something should happen to both of us. When we had DD christened, we told her godparents we had asked BIL and family to be legal guardians if we died, but as BIl not a church-goer, didn;t want him to be a godparent. they all seemded happy with that. have to say though, although everyone knows what we want, we still havent got round to writing a will. must do it......

Twelvelegs · 01/09/2008 20:33

My sister and BIL will have my children, under no circumstances will my PIL have them!!

Original poster

ILikeYourSleeves · 01/09/2008 20:47

Hi Pinkchick, I'm glad this thread has made you sort out your affairs, we've still to do it but we have spoken about it and I asked my best mate on Saturday if she'd be a 'back up' to SIL. (Mind you we still haven't asked SIL!). I said to best mate that we considered both her and SIL but chose SIL 1st as she is family. She said she was so honoured to be asked and no problems although we are under strict instructions that we've not to pop our clogs quite yet! So you could probably get round the 'back up' thing by saying you wanted the guardian to be family.

Note to self- must ask SIL soon...

OP posts:

babyboo1and2 · 01/09/2008 21:01

could i ask about the insurance policies people have spoken about - the one lazyhen described that pays out a set amount until the 18th birthday sounds sensible - any advice ? (am off to watch tv for an hour)

PinkChick · 01/09/2008 21:23

good idea, will say it that way so as not to offend

threestars · 01/09/2008 22:43

Uh oh, think I need to sit down with DH and discuss wills. We've kinda discussed this, but not actually told the people we thought would be best (who aren't ideal as they live in a different country).
I'd love one of my close friends to do this really, rather than the people above, but they all have so MANY dc already...!
And my dh is a solicitor as well.

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