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Parenting

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Original poster

Have any of you made arrangements for someone to raise your child if the worst was to happen to you and DH?

76 replies

ILikeYourSleeves · 26/08/2008 20:38

I was reading a thread in AIBU about christenings and not having them if you are not religious. We are not having DS christened for this reason but it has made me think about what would happen to DS (10 months) should anything happen to both of us. Christenings come with godparents but for those of you whose children don't have godparents, have you made any official arrangements for who would bring your child/ren up if the worst happened? I know it's all quite morbid but I guess it's one of those things we need to think of once we are parents. I feel we need to have something in writing too as I wouldn't want DS to be brought up by my own family (parents too old and not physically able to bring up grandson plus I wouldn't want my sister to bring him up), would DS 'automatically' have the mothers family as his guardian if we made no alternative arrangements? I would like my best mate or SIL to do it but it's a huge ask isn't it.

Not sure what to do about this one, can anyone who's been there advise on what they have done and if possible the legal side of things? Thanks

OP posts:

lazyhen · 26/08/2008 22:16

We made a will when I was pregnant. We also set up insurance (£13 pcm) which means if one of us dies it pays £1000 pcm until DD is 18. If both of us die my brother will be guardian and the money will go with her to support her.

I know it can be a tricky subject but well worth attacking head on and then you're done - you don't have to think about it again.

Waswondering · 26/08/2008 22:20

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bloss · 26/08/2008 22:20

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Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Philosophy & religion

Hulababy · 26/08/2008 22:20

Not fully know. Financially she is well taken care of, but we haven't appointed guardians as such. There are a number of people who would be willing to look after her, but to start with e would probably suggest my parents. Our will needs updating and oesn't have guardianship in it - I know, naughty esp as this is DH's area of law!

Do remember that guardianship in wills is not actually legally binding though. It is just your wishes in writing.

Godparents are not considered guardians automatically either.

Hulababy · 26/08/2008 22:22

ILikeYourSleeves - don't do a DIY will or a willmaker type one. Go and see a solicitor, ideally one who specialises in this area of law. DH makes more money from sorting out badly made wills, after deaths, than he does from drawing up a bespoke will in the first place. Use a professional and get it done right. It doesn't have to be expensive.

cat64 · 26/08/2008 22:53

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PinkChick · 27/08/2008 08:48

slinkiemalinki, thanks for that link, i have printed that off, but will also now sort out a will.

Thanks for this thread, it honestly raised an issue id neevr thought of, but cant believe why not!

openjarawayfromface · 27/08/2008 09:09

It's not a good idea to do a home-made will - wills are pretty cheap for legal documents, and then you'll know that everything is written down in the correct language. Apparently, the way that solicitors make the big money is sorting out the legal mess from home-made wills.

Aha, just seen Hulababy's post. Great minds and all that.

The good thing about thinking about all this horrible stuff now is that you can discuss some of the finer details with the prospective guardians, the stuff that you'd never write in a will, but is personally important to you about how your DC will be brougth up if the worst happens.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 09:10

I asked my oldest friend 2 years ago if she would have the baby for me (then aged 1), she immediately said she would take all three children. We haven't updated our will since we were married though and really must do it.

choosyfloosy · 27/08/2008 09:14

Yes, it's worth checking periodically whether the people involved are still willing to take this role. When we first asked our prospective guardians, they had no children. So we asked them again, once their ds was 1. Not a problem, but if they go on to have triplets or something, it might be!

PinkChick · 27/08/2008 09:15

dp is concerned we would be putting people on the spot by asking them to become guardians..i know if SIL said to me/us would we have her dd in event of something awful like this id say yes straight away, no problem, hopefully it never WILL come to it, but i know i WOULD look after her if needed..so dont know whether to ask SIL via email to give her chance to think it through or face to face? face to face i thought was best as its a big thing, but dont want to pressure them into it (FWIW i dont ahve any doubt theyd say yes)..its not like we PLAN to both have terrible accidents, its just covering our abck and ensuring dd is well cared for 'if' anything 'were' to ahppen..oh gord i hate all this talk!

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 09:17

If you feel they wouldn't like being put on the spot why not write a card?

choosyfloosy · 27/08/2008 09:17

I would write a letter rather than an email. I agree it's quite a big thing to ask, but the thing is, once it's done you can forget about it and enjoy your long life.

I wouldn't think much of an airline that didn't have seatbelts or oxygen masks... I don't expect ever to have to use them.

PinkChick · 27/08/2008 09:21

personally i would like to speak to SIL and let her know what we're doing (am sure its prob one of those things SHE ahs not thought about either!), dp and I are both her dd's godparents as are BIL's sister and husband, but obv that doesnt mean guardians, so i would prob bring it up and say that she/they shouldnt feel pressured, to think about it and obv now they can look into doing same for their daughter..we may be able to do the same in return, but wouldnt be offended if not, its who we as parents feel most happy with and i know despite our differences, SIL and i are very similar in a lot of ways.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 09:54

If you do decide to write, maybe call first and say a note is coming with something important you want to ask them. Then they only have to wait until the postman comes but be prepared for them to say they want you to tell them straight away!

GooseyLoosey · 27/08/2008 09:56

Yes - as there are people in the immediate family who I would not want to look after them in any circumstances. The fisrt provision is for my mother to look after them, but if that is not possible, we have specified 2 friends (who have agreed).

Lazycow · 27/08/2008 10:03

We did this very soon after ds was born. We mad3 a will, made privisions for who would care for him in the event both dh and I died (my sister). We discussed it with my sister beforehand. tbh she isn't the perfect choice as she is a bit older than me and has no children but given out family situation she was the best choice we could come up with.

I was adamant we did this very soon after ds was born but I have the experience of my sister dying when her children were 4 and 6 years old, They were looked after by their dad of course but my sister's death brough home to me that these things can and do happen.

PinkyDinkyDooToo · 27/08/2008 10:18

WE haven't done this for our DC yest, but it is always at the back of my mind that I will do it

Minkus · 27/08/2008 10:46

We've thought about this often too but are really struggling to choose who to ask to look after our 2 ds's if we should both die. DH's sis and my sis have such wildly different parenting approaches than ours, our parents are all too old, and although we've lots of friends there isn't anyone really really close, so no-one who knows all four of us well enough to know what DH and I might have liked to happen in certain scenarios etc. What have others done in similar situations?

Minkus · 27/08/2008 10:48

Gosh in fact this is making me cry to even think about it, there really is no-one suitable

hattyyellow · 27/08/2008 10:51

We constantly try and find an answer to this..It's so tricky to ask people. I know my family would rally round and help and I know we should talk to them and make provisions now.

But my mum is nearly 70 - if we died this year, how could we leave her with two active pre-schoolers and a new baby?

In-laws are too frail to even look after the kids for half an hour by themselves.

My only brother with kids already has 3 - how do you ask someone to take on another 3?

My other brothers are bachelors with no childcare experience and little interest in children. One is a musician who sleeps most of the day and works most of the night and the other two are still in their early twenties and are travelling, footloose and fancyfree.

Asking friends to take on our 3 children would be a huge responsibility - we'd struggle financially and time-wise to take on someone elses 3 children...we asked godparents to be godparents just to have a special bond with each child, certainly not to take responsibility for them.

It makes me want to sob just thinking about it all! The thought of strangers looking after them is horrible. The thought of them being split up is horrible. I think we should stop travelling anywhere together and only fly separately! I wish we could come up with a way around it..

MamaG · 27/08/2008 10:53

Luckily I have a wonderful SIL, both her and her husband are fab, great parents etc. Their sons are 21 and 18. My DC are 9 year old girl, a 4 year old boy and (soon to be born) baby - would be manic, but they didn't hesitate to say they would have them if it came to it.

I haven't told my Mum though - I think she'd assume they'd go to her but she has heart troubles and I'd hate for the children to be moved twice IYKWIM

Lazycow · 27/08/2008 10:56

Minkus

I have [parents and in-laws who are too old (in their 80's). Dh (age 40) is the youngest of 4 siblings and they all live a plane ride away and have grown up children. I am the youngest surviving sibling of my family and my older sister has no children.

My best friend who I might have considered has 4 children of her own and has recently moved to NZ. Other friends I have now don't seem close enough to ask this of.

We too had very few choices that made us completely happy that ds would be taken care of in exactly the way we would have liked.

However we had to make some provision anyway. Life is not perfect and no-one would do things exactly as dh and I would. That is less important to me than that in mine and dh's absence, ds would have someome to care for him and love him

We chose my sister in the end (over my BIL or SIL) because of location she is the one ds knows and will know best.

Also I know my sister may have a different way of bringing ds up then I would but she knows about children (works with them) would love him and would talk to him about me and dh. She would also ensure he maintained contact with dh's family. I know all this because I have discussed it with her.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 27/08/2008 11:21

We only asked our friends to take the children knowing we have also made financial provision for them so the friends wouldn't have to find the extra money. There is no way I coiuld ask someone to bring up my children without having money to do it ready for them.

MamaG · 27/08/2008 11:34

Yes good poitn I'mnotmamag!

Our house etc would be put in trust for the DC, but sil and bil could use funds as necessary. they are farking loaded though

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