Elderly man made my children feel uncomfortable

[NeedyLimeMember]

Yesterday I visited my Grandma in the care home, with my two primary school aged daughters and my brother While we were there we had to wait in the corridor for a couple of minutes, during which an elderly man approached us and was talking to my children. He was very friendly and meant no harm, but it made my daughters feel uncomfortable. I interacted with him, so the girls didn't feel they needed to talk to him (not that they would - they are quite shy.) One of my girls was stood in front of me and I had my arm over her shoulder/chest holding her close and when the man got a little to close, or at one point kissed his fingers and went to touch her cheek, I discretely blocked him with my hand. My other daughter was further back and next to her Uncle.
I left feeling unsure whether I had done the right thing, because the last thing I want to do is normalise staying a situation that made them feel uncomfortable, just to appease an old man. But the alternative would have been rude and unkind as I'm sure there was no ill intent. We has a conversation when we got home about listening to their body if they feel uncomfortable especially due to a man, and it being ok to step back from someone and say 'you're making me feel uncomfortable.' But in this situation that wasn't how I handled it - I'm not necessarily thinking I did the wrong thing but I really want them to be able to advocate for themselves in a situation where someone crosses a boundary. I wondered what people's thoughts are on dealing with these kind of situations and conversations?

Happens to women as well. My MIL was jn assisted living. We often visited and there was a lady, with dementia, who would cuddle my husband and try to kiss him, at every opportunity. The care staff had to move her way to stop it from happening.
It's quite well known that people with dementia can become disinhibited. It doesn't mean they are pervs, it's part of their awful illness.

My father is in a care home with dementia and Alzheimer’s. He sometimes does and says things that you wouldn’t do in normal society, as he has no reasoning or ‘filter’ anymore. He can’t help it, sadly it’s his illness. It reminds me of the behavior of a toddler. He has become very affectionate with all animals and young children, nothing perverted or sexual he just openly shows affection, which men without dementia rarely do. There is one woman in the home that goes around wanting to hug everyone and we let her, as she means no harm and why would we want to upset her. She has reverted back to behaving like a small child.
If you take your children into the environment of a care home you have to expect this type of behavior. If an elderly male or female resident touched my child’s face I would be protective, but not get defensive. I would be quite open with them and explain in simple terms about the illness the residents have and how they can’t help it. I would explain that the behavior isn’t acceptable in normal society outside a care home environment.

In southern Italy, at a table in an outdoor cafe in a public square, we watched a little girl, maybe two years of age, being passed by the father to other men at his table. They hugged her and made her laugh and everyone in the square looked on happily. This is normal behaviour in Asia, Africa, Mediterranean countries, practically everywhere, except the US where parents insist on ownership of their children and everyone else is an enemy or a potential paedo.

Sounds like you handled it well enough. Contact was offered, they
felt uncomfortable and refused it. I hope they also learned that sometimes an old person deserves the same tolerance we’d allow a young child. And, if they’re old enough to read this thread, they can learn the concept of ‘completely over-the-top reaction to a very minor incident’.

I’m a social worker trust me they do. And dementia is not an excuse for pervy behaviour. Please educate yourself.

Lol, they absolutely do.

Yes they do!! Dementia doesn’t discriminate and this behaviour applies to women with dementia too! You are fortunate not to have seen a loved one/loved female relative completely change personality due to this horrible disease.

Women do.

Please remember that women are more likely to develop dementia than men.
AI Overview
Research shows that women are more likely to develop dementia and Alzheimer's disease than men, and this gap cannot be explained by longer life expectancy alone. Large-scale international studies, including a major meta-analysis published in <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=web&rct=j&url=jamanetwork.com/journals/jamaneurology/fullarticle/2854983&ved=2ahUKEwjv2JSg_4GYAxWCOHoKHb5iHf0Qy_kOegwIAggACAAIAAgIEAI&opi=89978449&cd&psig=AOvVaw3qZnHeROkAJYovO4SY4iUB&ust=1794557895019000" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">JAMA Neurology, show that age-standardized dementia incidence rates remain higher in women even when controlling for lifespan.
MN is a site with a large percentage of women and yet there is little information dissemination about dementia. I reported a poster the other day for suggesting that if an old person annoys you, you should mouth ‘dementia’ at them. MN refused to remove the term.
Dementia is a disease. It destroys the brain and ultimately kills. Mouthing ‘dementia’ at someone is like the use of ‘spaz’ twenty years ago. It is disablist and unacceptable. There is no cure. Dementia will affect many women on this site. Please show compassion to those living with this terminal disease.

Does the home not have a meeting area? If you are taking your girls you could take your grandmother out it might be nice for her to get away.

It doesn't, unfortunately. She had just been at the knit and knatter group in the home for the afternoon so it would have been too much for her anyway, we were just calling in on the way back from school to give her some flowers for her birthday.

Defending what? He wasn’t being pervy

How sad that people are responding in this way. Most old people love seeing children, as it reminds them of their own days as young parents, and elderly people in care homes rarely see any children at all.

The old man didn’t try to kiss OP's children directly, but kissed his fingers and went to touch the child's face, which shows he knew he shouldn’t kiss her directly. I’m not saying OP was wrong to prevent him, or to talk about it later with her children, but I’m shocked how little empathy some posters apparently have for lonely old people.

What do you think you could have done differently in this situation?

You dealt with it.

Do you often doubt your instincts and parenting decisions? Why don’t you trust yourself and have courage in you own convictions?

Have faith in yourself and teach your daughters the same. It’s crucial.