Very different siblings - "good kid" "naughty kid" HELP

[HairsprayBabe]

reposting from chat because i got no responses

We have 2 DC very close in age 18m apart - they are currently in primary school. One school year apart.

One child is very well behaved, will sit nicely anywhere we go, plays calmly, Listens, likes helping, never rude etc. Apologetic if behaviour is corrected. Not perfect of course but is generally a "good" child

One child is poorly behaved, doesn't listen, is rude, won't sit, plays rough, won't help, runs off, answers back, unpleasant attitude etc.
Default mode when behaviour is corrected is rage. Has moments of being sweet and lovely but - generally for example referred to as " a real character" at parent eve... aka "naughty"

Both are equally clever, both have been parented the same way. Low screen time lots of time out doors all the things you are "supposed" to do.

We were told they would grow out of the "bad" behaviour if we were consistent but they have been like this since they were about 2 and a half. We have done literally everything we have been told to do, we are strict, we follow up with consequences, we remove them from situations and nothing is changing and it is such hard work.

As they get older I am more and more worried that they are going to absorb everyone heaping praise on the other sibling while they have been cast as "the bad one" Equally I still want to praise and celebrate my other child for their achievements. I am really stressed about "good" child being overlooked, and "bad" child feeling like a black sheep.

Both children are happy and healthy with no concerns raised by professionals..

I don't know what else we can do, I feel like I am letting them both down.

I know pp are saying if you parent the same then you should get a ND assessment but I think that is very problematic, it implies any child who does not comply to one particular way of parenting is ND, or any child not behaving perfectly is a result of either SEN or poor parenting. that doesn’t account at all for different needs or personalities. (It’s also impossible to parent exactly the same because the environments changed)
I’d first consider your expectations, if the ‘bad’ one is competing or trying to find an identity that gives them attention when being ‘good’ is already taken. I’d try to compliment the ‘good’ one on things beyond being good a lot too so that isn’t their identity. but I wonder if what they actually need is slightly different parenting

Extremely common story BTW to be in your 30s or 40s and having been either a girl or an under-the-radar boy (behaviour wise) to have been diagnosed with dyslexia at school, and then post-2020 receive an adult diagnosis of ADHD. I don't know whether they just lumped every kind of processing difficulty under dyslexia or whether it's because there's genuinely quite a large overlap.

Anyway. I am not dyslexic (borderline hyperlexic) but am extremely, severely ADHD, just the non-hyperactive type, which I had no idea even existed until 10 years ago. Every boyfriend I ever had and over half of my school/college friends were diagnosed dyslexic, including DH, I would be astonished if he wasn't also ADHD - hyperactive. I kept dismissing it for years because he is so much more functional than me, but I failed to take into account the sheer quantity of caffeine and nicotine he is self-medicating with every day, and the way that he tends to concentrate his productivity into little bursts according to what he's currently interested in. (Like currently he has bought a 3D printer, converted a cupboard to house it, and is filling the house with tiny plastic nicknacks, much to the DC's delight).

This sounds like parenting strategies for ND/ADHD, not an absence of ND. Some people do seem to have a more intuitive parenting style and adapt to the needs of the child more which is great but has the downside of helping the child cope, so the ND isn't picked up until the wheels completely fall off later for example at college or uni, when the parent can't support that way any more.

@BertieBotts I just had to comment, I've never come across anyone else who uses dog training comparisons for kids! I had a reactive dog before i had my kids and I've found explanations about trigger stacking and behavioural adjustment training really relevant! So glad someone else does this 😅

She isn't ND, or at least, not ND enough to ever get a diagnosis. Some kids are just high energy and extroverted - they need at lot of input and sensitive parenting. I have relatives like this who are now adults and they're the sort of people who are always busy and sociable. They don't like to do things quietly by themselves and that's ok as an adult - you can arrange your life accordingly. As a kid you tend to just cause mayhem.

I can relate to this OP. we had 2 children 14 months apart who were very close but very different.

One struggled more with friendships, academics, putting themselves forward, trying new things and ultimately mental health issues. The other was the kind of kid you'd congratulate yourself on if you didn't have other children (i.e. actually realise they come out as they come out). Sociable, a good leader, very academic, keen to participate, talented in music, give anything a try even if not good at it. It wasn't always easy managing between the two especially as they were in a small school and often shared friends (and were really close themselves) and the danger is it becomes the More Difficult Kid Show 24/7 and the other one can get overlooked.

What we did that helped is we specifically praised the easy kid's effort as well as achievements. I would say "you did really well in your school report and I know that was a lot of hard work". You can fall into the trap of thinking it all comes easy to the one kid and while you say well done on the A or good behaviour mark no one acknowledges that it is an effort to get those marks - not just an innate tendency - even if it comes easier than to the other child. In the thick of it we also tried to spend 1:1 time with each of our children.

The harder child generally gets lots more attention. I'd also second an assessment for this child. Even if you don't get a diagnosis, the assessment can be very helpful (it was for us with 2 of our children).

There is nothing problematic about an assessment. Assessment doesn’t = diagnosis. But if there is an underlying difference, the child can receive the interventions and support.

There’s nothing to prevent you parenting as if the child has adhd even without a diagnosis. If they are high energy with poor impulse control then parent that.
what you will need to navigate as a family is different treatment but we all know equality is not achieved though treating everyone the same but through treating them as to their needs.

I haven’t read all the comments.

I would definitely start researching neurodiversity and tweak your parenting strategies and see if you notice any differences.

If you can start saving for assessments too that will help long term even if you can’t get it instantly.

Also look at PDA, children with it need totally opposite parenting techniques.

Haha - good old behaviourism is basically the same cross species, and the positive stuff which pays attention to the dog's needs is really, really good these days.

I think often parenting content can get bogged down in morals and being overly verbal whereas actually the most effective thing is what you do. And dogs can't understand much in the way of speech, nor can they talk back, so the dog stuff gets right to the point of what to do.

Behaviourism is not right for everything, and I have been quite vocally anti it in the past, but I have come around to thinking it does have a place. I just think it's really important to be aware if you're using behaviourist techniques that the onus is on you to ensure you're being fair to the child and not trying to "behaviourise" them out of e.g. expressing distress or meeting their sensory needs or whatever it is.

And BTW, I had not heard of trigger stacking, but I just looked it up and it is a brilliant description of exactly what I think happens to DS throughout a normal day at school for example.

We have this dynamic, it's very hard. Eldest is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and behaviour can be very challenging although life has got more bearable since the diagnosis as we have better understanding of needs. It's still very difficult as youngest is a natural rule-follower (also super academic, sporty and popular) and only needs a gentle prompt to do the right thing whereas eldest needs asking until I'm blue in the face and often impulsively does fairly daft or dangerous things, so it's not possible to parent them the same.
We've found the divide and conquer approach works best, DH and I get as much 1:1 time with each of them as possible so we can cater better for their individual needs.