Child isolated and ghosted for nothing

[Tiamlocofam]

My daughter was group text by her friend group 2 days before the new term started this year, they threw accusations at her that weren’t true and then dropped her and ghosted her. They have been leaving her out all summer, having sleepovers, days out, even their mum’s were messaging and saying where was “my daughter” on many occasions.

The point blank refused to talk to her, even when she begged them. She was absolutely destroyed. She’s an anxious person anyway and this just made her spiral out of control. The thought of going to school with nobody to speak to or be friends with made her so petrified to attend school.

I reached out to the Mum’s as I thought maybe they could help solve issues. However, they just washed their hands of it saying that was hormonal girls and they would sort things out. I explained that this was more than just a little. And that they were trying to isolate my child child. The parents still didn’t want to know. The parents left the group chat that we were on saying that they couldn’t deal with it.

my daughter has been best friends with this group of girls for nearly 2 years. In two weeks time they had a holiday booked for a weekend in Spain, which I had paid £270 for a weekend Tripp. In the next few days I was basically told that she was not able to go and that they were not able to get a refund on her ticket. The parent told me that she would give me some of the money back but not all as she was not in a position to do so as she was a single parent with many kids and was not working anymore.

My child was physically not able to go to school for two weeks and three days because she was in a state of absolute panic. She had no friends left. She was being ignored and isolated by everyone that she knew as being her best friends.

no matter how much I tried to explain to the parents how bad my daughter was, they just washed their hands again of any involvement.

The teachers have been fantastic and have encouraged my daughter by coming round to the house for a house visit, accommodating her on a phased gentle entry package to school. I have had my daughter on medication from the local health clinic, just to enable her to feel comfortable enough to actually come into school.

My daughter was broken. Just seven days before this happened the girls had packed their clothes on call together for the Spain trip. She had her suitcase packed and ready. Now she had no friends, no holiday and the thought of school absolutely terrified her.

When they went to Spain, she found it in herself to have the confidence to return to school. Luckily, thank goodness one of the other girls at school reached out to her. She had Ben and why she had not been in school. She returned for those two days when the girls were in Spain and Man managed to somehow cope.

Since then, house spent Dailly battle. I am sure there are those out there who will understand, how difficult it is to get a child in school when they are petrified.

I am so proud to say that after many many days and many struggles, arguments, tears, screaming matches and pure frustration on both parts, she was actually able on a few occasions to attend school. She has avoided lesson that she shared with them, even check changing her options so that she didn’t have to cope with the seeing them. When she has seen them, they have laughed, giggled, stayed silent as she walked past and then laughed when she left. Smacked at her and gave her disgusting looks, whispering behind their hands and laughing at her. It has been so difficult for her.

I am so incredibly proud of her as she has done nothing wrong. We know these girls are bitches and bullies, but I am finding incredibly difficult trying to build up her self-confidence again as she is totally an utterly shattered by this experience.

Every night I cry. Every morning I wake up with a bit in my stomach. These girls were part of my life. Here every weekend for sleepovers. They were part of our family. I can’t believe they have done this to my child.

I know I just need to be strong for my child. I am struggling. I am so angry. I’m angry with the children. Most of all I’m angry with the parents, because if my child ever did this to another child, I would never allow it or condone it.

To hear from people in the same situation and what you did.

My child didn’t deserve any of this.

The only thing to do is to pick yourself up and reach out to other girls. Don’t lash back don’t post anything. Don’t even say anything. Be the bigger stronger person.

They have to live with what they have done.

I think some posters are being a little unfair saying the girl "must" have done something, there "must" be more to it ..... Sometimes there just isn't. And even if there is, unless OP's daughter plotted the murder of someone in the group, she doesn't deserve this level of persecution, which really is stepping over into bullying, with the way they are now treating her in school.

Nobody is obliged to be friends with anyone, but there IS an obligation to be kind, not pull faces at her etc. That's incredibly childish and cruel.

My daughter went through similar, but luckily only with one girl. They had been like sisters since the age of three, we had holidayed with the girl's family etc. Suddenly the girl announced she no longer wanted to be friends with DD and that was it - no explanation given. My poor dd was broken.

Fortunately, other students witnessed what was happening and reached out to my dd - and a couple of years on she now has auch broader, nicer group of friends.

Encourage your dd to build friendships with other students if possible - there will likely be some who feel sorry for her and will extend the hand of friendship.

I have worked with teens for decades and they are very like adults - a few are utter cunts (sorry) but most are compassionate decent people on the whole.

One day, I predict your daughter will look back and realise that losing these girls was actually a blessing in disguise.....

Their parents should have tried to sort it tho. If DD had ever done this to another child I would have done what I could to dissuade her from this level of cruelty.

My DS has just been through something similar. His oldest friends just turned on him, he’d been friends with two of the boys since reception class and in year 10 them and a wider group of boys just started excluding & isolating him, trying to humiliate him. I kept notes of when things were happening/ who was present and realised the common denominator was his oldest friend.
we still don’t know why, probably his own insecurity/ trying to reinvent himself around the newer friends and I think he ultimately enjoyed having power over my DS.
My DS was crushed & completely bemused by it all, I did approach the parents as I’ve known them for years and said, it’s fine if they don’t want to be friends with him, but the humiliation and disrespect of him stops ( ironically the lad at the centre was supported by my DS when he went through a tough time himself ) his parents knew this.
I also contacted his form tutor & they were really supportive.
My son stepped away from the group and the boys have mostly left him be.
DS has one close friend that has stuck with him, he said he moved away from the group himself because he’d notice an unkind dynamic.
Another boy told him the same boy had behaved poorly to him in the past, he remembers things he’d said years ago and would bring it up to use against him.
DS has moved on now. He’s been so brave. When snippets of things they were saying about him came to light it was all petty and mostly untrue or comments taken out of context. When my DS realised how toxic the group are, he’s happy to be away from them now.
He will briefly speak to them if he has too, but mostly avoids them. He says if he sees them all heading off somewhere after school that he couldn’t think of anything worse than going with them.
He’s got his peace of mind back and we’ve seen our lovely laid back, fun son reappear over the past few months.
I’m Sorry your DD is going through this, but they’re not friends, they are not her people. It will be tough, but she will get through it.
It was an end of an era for me too, the two mothers I was previously close with no longer communicate with me anymore. But I’m fine with that, I’d pick DS every day.

What unpleasant characters these mothers are. They must be proud of their bullying sons. Did it break your heart that they distanced themselves?

I’m so sorry this is happening to her. If she really doesn’t have the confidence to go back into school and make new friends then you need to consider switching schools to give her a fresh start. There’s no point trying to get her old friends to let her back in the group the damage has been done and even if all their parents forced them to invite her your DD would still be feel like an outsider.

It feels a bit rubbish after all the history we have, but I guess I made it uncomfortable for them, and they have each other !
It ran its course for us all I suppose.

This happened to my daughter in January this year. Was horrendous. Year 11 aswell. I home schooled in the end and she sat her GCSE'S as an external candidate and did really well. Now at college and thriving. It does get better. I know how you feel because I too was distraught and the mothers involved, who I thought I got on with were awful to me when I reached out to try and sort it out. Didnt want to know.
These girls weren't her people. Karma will get them. Always does. Keep going. Things will come good again.

I’d go nuclear - it’s one thing to unfriend a child suddenly, that’s brutal enough. It’s a whole other thing to relish in ongoing bullying. I’d be round each and every one of their houses speaking to the girls directly saying if they don’t cut it out they’ll have me to answer to.

God don’t do that. At best they will think you are mental and have a good laugh at worst you’ll be arrested.

Find extra curricular activity so all social interaction do not involve school.
Art
Conservation volunteering
Brass band
Choir
Church youth group
Dance
Sport
Craft
Chess
Riding.
Ask girls from other sets to go to film, home for meal, shopping date etc.
Help DD interact with new people.

I’m puzzled by this too.

This is not just a girls thing. It really annoys me when people pile on about Queen Bees etc. Male groups of friends do this too.

DS struggled a bit in Y8 when another boy started sitting with his group at lunchtime and kept telling him to F off. DS said that he ignored him, but what was upsetting was that his existing friends said nothing. They were friends from primary school and realistically it was time to move on. In this instance I coached DS on things to say in return and encouraged him to find friends in his class that he had more in common with now.

For the OP, are there others in school that your DD is friendly with that she can spend more time with? There are probably other, nicer, girls that she may find she actually gets in very well with. They may be the geekier ones rather than the cool kids but really nice people.

What I realised was that my mum had never played games with people and I had grown up not learning how to do it either.

Then my girls started school and I discovered a lot of mums and their daughters (i can't speak for the boys and dads) doing it - i was astonished.

Then I remembered some of the mean girls at my own primary school and their mums....

Luckily my own friends at secondary didn't play games - somehow I dodged this kind of relationship until my girls came along.

Just think how stressful these women's and their daughters' lives must be.

I too never learned this at home or school. My mother didn't play games either and I had a close-knit albeit small friendship group at school, no drama, just fun.
When I met tricky women later on in life and then throughout dc's upbringing OMG, there is so much bitching, gossiping and petit mindedness in (some!) female groups, insane. I find it exhausting but reckon they thrive on the drama and sense of power they get when they do all that relational aggression nonsense.

Read Cats Eye by Margaret Atwood. Perfectly documents small girl cruelty.