Child isolated and ghosted for nothing

[Tiamlocofam]

My daughter was group text by her friend group 2 days before the new term started this year, they threw accusations at her that weren’t true and then dropped her and ghosted her. They have been leaving her out all summer, having sleepovers, days out, even their mum’s were messaging and saying where was “my daughter” on many occasions.

The point blank refused to talk to her, even when she begged them. She was absolutely destroyed. She’s an anxious person anyway and this just made her spiral out of control. The thought of going to school with nobody to speak to or be friends with made her so petrified to attend school.

I reached out to the Mum’s as I thought maybe they could help solve issues. However, they just washed their hands of it saying that was hormonal girls and they would sort things out. I explained that this was more than just a little. And that they were trying to isolate my child child. The parents still didn’t want to know. The parents left the group chat that we were on saying that they couldn’t deal with it.

my daughter has been best friends with this group of girls for nearly 2 years. In two weeks time they had a holiday booked for a weekend in Spain, which I had paid £270 for a weekend Tripp. In the next few days I was basically told that she was not able to go and that they were not able to get a refund on her ticket. The parent told me that she would give me some of the money back but not all as she was not in a position to do so as she was a single parent with many kids and was not working anymore.

My child was physically not able to go to school for two weeks and three days because she was in a state of absolute panic. She had no friends left. She was being ignored and isolated by everyone that she knew as being her best friends.

no matter how much I tried to explain to the parents how bad my daughter was, they just washed their hands again of any involvement.

The teachers have been fantastic and have encouraged my daughter by coming round to the house for a house visit, accommodating her on a phased gentle entry package to school. I have had my daughter on medication from the local health clinic, just to enable her to feel comfortable enough to actually come into school.

My daughter was broken. Just seven days before this happened the girls had packed their clothes on call together for the Spain trip. She had her suitcase packed and ready. Now she had no friends, no holiday and the thought of school absolutely terrified her.

When they went to Spain, she found it in herself to have the confidence to return to school. Luckily, thank goodness one of the other girls at school reached out to her. She had Ben and why she had not been in school. She returned for those two days when the girls were in Spain and Man managed to somehow cope.

Since then, house spent Dailly battle. I am sure there are those out there who will understand, how difficult it is to get a child in school when they are petrified.

I am so proud to say that after many many days and many struggles, arguments, tears, screaming matches and pure frustration on both parts, she was actually able on a few occasions to attend school. She has avoided lesson that she shared with them, even check changing her options so that she didn’t have to cope with the seeing them. When she has seen them, they have laughed, giggled, stayed silent as she walked past and then laughed when she left. Smacked at her and gave her disgusting looks, whispering behind their hands and laughing at her. It has been so difficult for her.

I am so incredibly proud of her as she has done nothing wrong. We know these girls are bitches and bullies, but I am finding incredibly difficult trying to build up her self-confidence again as she is totally an utterly shattered by this experience.

Every night I cry. Every morning I wake up with a bit in my stomach. These girls were part of my life. Here every weekend for sleepovers. They were part of our family. I can’t believe they have done this to my child.

I know I just need to be strong for my child. I am struggling. I am so angry. I’m angry with the children. Most of all I’m angry with the parents, because if my child ever did this to another child, I would never allow it or condone it.

To hear from people in the same situation and what you did.

My child didn’t deserve any of this.

Its always about a boy

I absolutely agree, it does not have to be something the daughter has done. I went through something similar when I was about 16 (not sure what age the daughter here is). It was a simple case of group dynamics and them wanting to exclude someone. It was absolutely horrible and took me years to get over. It was harder to get over by many magnitudes than the end of my marriage.

I'm really sorry OP. I was very lucky that another group "adopted" me and even then it was heartbreaking. If she wants to and can move school I wouldn't rule it out. And encourage her to do social activities outside of the school group to make other friends. She will survive it either way but it is very unpleasant. And tbh probably even harder to watch as a mum than it was to experience so you have all my sympathy too.

Can you say more about this book 🙏

If you read the post it says she did something to.upset the other girls and also for the mothers to turn against the mother

Where?

This happened to my DD at the end of Yr9. She was ostracised by her neighbourhood friends. We live in a selective school area so thankfully it didn’t spill into school friends as all of the kids (4 girls, 8 boys), attended 4 different schools. DD considered one of the girls her BF, Ring Leader & DD had been friends since pre-school. It started at the beginning of the summer holidays, all of DD’s plans with those kids were ruined and she wasn’t invited out once all summer. So nowhere near as awful as your situation. The crux really was the RL was jealous of DD. RL had always been a spoiled madam, manipulated situations and never pulled up on it. It destroyed the mum’s friendship group too; RL’s mum, true to form, could see no wrong in her DD. Karma came for RL at 6th form, alone and with a new bunch of kids, she really struggled.

Within 6 months of the fall out the 3 girls apologised, thankfully my DD had moved on. As the kids have all become young adults and head to pubs, clubs etc they mix again in the same venues and groups; exBF struggles with the guilt of her role on it, DD is polite to RL but mostly ignores her. The boys are clueless and just thought DD had moved on.

What would I do in your situation? I would pursue it forcefully with pastoral at school. They should be able to get to the bottom of the problem and come up with a plan, explore the extra curricular clubs at school, and who else is struggling with friendships.
Encourage your DD to be strong & brave the minute she walks through the school doors, hold her head high, she can collapse when she gets home. My DD is very sporty and attended clubs outside of school, although this didn’t provide instant new friendships, it kept her busy and lead to good friendships (ironically something that RL envys now). I absolutely HATE the RL, she caused so much pain and destruction, but I’m very wary of letting DD see this. Your DD needs your support and not judgement of these girls. Wishing you both a speedy outcome.

My daughter went through this at the end of yr 10. It was a horrible time, she also found herself with no one to talk to and alone in class and at lunch. It broke her (and my) heart. But in the long run (she's 18 now) it has been the making of her. In an effort to find new friends abd do things outside of school, she joined Explorer Scouts. Through Explorers she camped, hiked, and found her tribe. This helped her confidence enormously and at just turned 17 she lead a group of scouts travelling through Germany, on their own for 3 weeks. Since then she's taken on adult roles within Scouting. It also taught her to make new friends, also not to be afraid to do things on her own, and her resilience flourished.

She grew so as person, even though I'd have given anything to stop the hurt at the time x

I read an article on it there’s even a name - “gangstering”. It’s a developmental stage some teenage girls go through they turn on and ostracise one of the group. It’s an experiment in using their social power. Devastating for the victim.

Dd2 is thriving now but she will never be quite the same. Still remember her utter bafflement at what was happening as she had literally done nothing wrong and had always been a well liked girl fun and easygoing.

I don't quite understand how they've managed to go to Spain in a group during school time or have I missed something?

This is so awful. Obviously pre SM but something similar happened to me in secondary school and while I’ve obviously moved on I’ve never forgotten how it felt 40 years later. I made another group of lovely friends and hopefully your daughter will soon too x

Horrible situation. I would consider home schooling her. How old is she? Online for home schooling is pretty common these days. A friend of mine is pre empting secondary school issues, as her dd is a very sensitive unconfident child and would struggle to navigate high school. She’s going to be home schooled when she finishes yr6 next year. Bullying in school is something that has a life long effect on people.

Ask the school if they can facilitate a meeting with all the girls together where they can each say what is on their mind and try to rebuild maybe. If that is what your daughter wants- or if not just to try and draw a line under it.

It’s horrible but she needs to get on with it. By hiding at home they’ve won. Things do and will get better, she’s just needs to stick with it and importantly, drive the change

I would move her, OP. Something along the same lines happened to me 10 years ago at school and it still affects me now. I’m a grown woman and I can’t walk in to a room of people on my own without my heart pounding, so if I’m meeting friends in a cafe, for example, I text one friend to meet outside first. I get really anxious around attending events (eg. work stuff) if I don’t know anyone. It’s a total fear that I’ll be isolated or ignored or laughed at, or turned on.

I had to endure my situation for over 12 months and it changed me psychologically, to the point where the effects are still so present. I really would move her if you can. And get her counselling. I felt sick to read this - sending lots of love to you and your daughter.

I’d be really careful with that, it’s another chance for her to be bullied, quite frankly. Coming from someone who was gaslighted in this way.

How old are they?
There does come a time where involving yourself in your dc's friendships feels inappropriate. It sounds like that's where the other parents are at , when they've removed themselves from the group chat.
I agree with a pp that there are two sides to every story and the truth sits somewhere in between. That's no excuse for the behaviour you've described - laughing, giggling, silence, whispering etc. I'd be putting pressure on the school to address that.
Focussing on new friendships seems like the most sensible way forward for your dd. The dynamic with her old friends, even if they reconcile will never be healthy.

I would usually agree, but I think in a situation as severe as this, including slapping her in the school hallways, complete ostracisation, and not allowing her to go on a already organised trip then that changes somewhat. If this type of behaviour was happening in a workplace, for instance, we certainly wouldn’t expect people, including the victim, to sort it out between themselves.

Having said that, I don’t think there’s any point in this situation because I can’t imagine that it is resolvable in any way that could make the victim feel comfortable, I would move schools.

I admire him so much.

OP, my heart aches for you and her. Somehting similar happened to DS in his first year at uni during lockdown. I was so worried about him. But he did get through it. With a lot of support he came to realise that these were not people worthy of him longing to stay friends with them. He made huge efforts to make new friends - at uni and through outside clubs, work, volunteering.

Whether she moves school or not, your DD needs to learn the essential life skill of judging the bullies, not herself, for this episode. She needs to imagine she doesn't know them and has no desire to know them. There are other girls at her school. She can mix with them. These children are horrible and once she stops caring and starts despising them, they will realise they have no impact on her and will isolate someone else from the group. It speaks volumes that the parents didn't care and distanced themselves rather than challenging bullying behaviour.

What support does school have, in practical terms? Is there a buddy system with older children, so she always has someone to sit with at lunch? Are there plenty of lunch time clubs she can join - choir, art, sport, drama etc so she feels less alone? Are there clubs outside school she can join in evenings and weekends, to try and build up some new friendships?

I was bullied at school and based my social life around an outside club. Had a great time in my teens as a result - but not with people from school.

Thank you for saying this. When DS was bullied at primary, and a teacher tried to downplay it, I asked her how she would feel if I pushed her off her chair or pulled her trousers and knickers down in front of all her fellow teachers. I said, if she'd find it hard to tolerate, why did she expect a child who has less developed emotional resilience, to just laugh it off? She looked horrified, as it dawned on her that what she was expecting my child to cope with was something she'd find traumatic.

Teachers have a lot on their plates but they do need to prioritse zero tolerance of bullying.

I agree completely. Get her out of there. This is what you hear about when you find out a child has taken their own life. Please, get your daughter out of there.

Bloody pathetic.isnt it. What a pathetic, weak, cowardly place this country has become. Cowardly pathetic kids and cowardly pathetic parents who wouldn't know what a moral compass looked like if it hit them in the face. Just so bloody base.

Exactly this as if it was a school trip why was she owing the other mother money and if it was a school trip loads of people would go so why would you pull out, none of it makes sense

No body was slapped and no one stopped her from going on the trip unless it was the parent who was taking them in which case she has every right who she takes, and its not a workplace they are children

OP I am sorry your daughter has experienced this. People let you down all the time. This relational aggression is abuse and is very common and something many students experience every day at schools across the globe. They aren't her friends, the mums aren't your friends. It's done. I would change your daughter to another school immediately. Get her out of that school. Give her a fresh start away from them all. Make sure she has blocked all those girls on everything and disconnected from them online, social media, etc You do the same with their mums. Erase them. They aren't worth one more second of your time and energy. Get your daughter to do some counselling/psychologist sessions to build up her confidence and resilience. Try to draw a line under this whole truly unkind situation and move forward to a positive future away from the lot of them.

So sorry this has happened. Kids can be awful. But I’m surprised at the parents, yes sometimes kids can work things out for themselves but sometimes they need to be told that’s not ok behaviour. Sending you both virtual hugs, I can imagine how painful it is for your child and how painful it is for you to see. I’m glad that the school has been helpful. One other idea might be to find ways of your DD developing friendships outside of school through a hobby or something. Sorry, I know that’s not much, but just a thought.

Something very similar happened to my DD, and all I got from the school and other parents were teenage girls can be ‘brutal’ they literally just stopped talking to her, inviting her out, my daughter said she’d done nothing and after digging into it by checking her messages and talking through any interactions she’d had with them, I couldn’t see what she’d done wrong.

It became very apparent very quickly the other parents didn’t see any issues with the way their daughters were behaving…this went to the point of where these little shits sent a group message to mine telling her she was fat/ugly/would never have any friends and to kill herself.

After a term back at school I just simply moved her, I found clubs in a different area, so she could make new friends, changed her phone number, and basically left it all behind, my child and her mental health was more important to me than those little shits. It was the best thing I could do for her. It took some time but she eventually settled, she can still be a bit guarded about letting people close to her but as she’s matured and grown older she’s learnt she’s ok with that. We had a really rough couple of years over it.

I’ve heard from a mutual friend that one of the core group of girls was dropped from the friendship group, and the same thing has happened to her apparently the parents of the girl have messaged me (they are blocked so absolutely no chance of me getting the messages) I have zero sympathy for her.