Child isolated and ghosted for nothing

[Tiamlocofam]

My daughter was group text by her friend group 2 days before the new term started this year, they threw accusations at her that weren’t true and then dropped her and ghosted her. They have been leaving her out all summer, having sleepovers, days out, even their mum’s were messaging and saying where was “my daughter” on many occasions.

The point blank refused to talk to her, even when she begged them. She was absolutely destroyed. She’s an anxious person anyway and this just made her spiral out of control. The thought of going to school with nobody to speak to or be friends with made her so petrified to attend school.

I reached out to the Mum’s as I thought maybe they could help solve issues. However, they just washed their hands of it saying that was hormonal girls and they would sort things out. I explained that this was more than just a little. And that they were trying to isolate my child child. The parents still didn’t want to know. The parents left the group chat that we were on saying that they couldn’t deal with it.

my daughter has been best friends with this group of girls for nearly 2 years. In two weeks time they had a holiday booked for a weekend in Spain, which I had paid £270 for a weekend Tripp. In the next few days I was basically told that she was not able to go and that they were not able to get a refund on her ticket. The parent told me that she would give me some of the money back but not all as she was not in a position to do so as she was a single parent with many kids and was not working anymore.

My child was physically not able to go to school for two weeks and three days because she was in a state of absolute panic. She had no friends left. She was being ignored and isolated by everyone that she knew as being her best friends.

no matter how much I tried to explain to the parents how bad my daughter was, they just washed their hands again of any involvement.

The teachers have been fantastic and have encouraged my daughter by coming round to the house for a house visit, accommodating her on a phased gentle entry package to school. I have had my daughter on medication from the local health clinic, just to enable her to feel comfortable enough to actually come into school.

My daughter was broken. Just seven days before this happened the girls had packed their clothes on call together for the Spain trip. She had her suitcase packed and ready. Now she had no friends, no holiday and the thought of school absolutely terrified her.

When they went to Spain, she found it in herself to have the confidence to return to school. Luckily, thank goodness one of the other girls at school reached out to her. She had Ben and why she had not been in school. She returned for those two days when the girls were in Spain and Man managed to somehow cope.

Since then, house spent Dailly battle. I am sure there are those out there who will understand, how difficult it is to get a child in school when they are petrified.

I am so proud to say that after many many days and many struggles, arguments, tears, screaming matches and pure frustration on both parts, she was actually able on a few occasions to attend school. She has avoided lesson that she shared with them, even check changing her options so that she didn’t have to cope with the seeing them. When she has seen them, they have laughed, giggled, stayed silent as she walked past and then laughed when she left. Smacked at her and gave her disgusting looks, whispering behind their hands and laughing at her. It has been so difficult for her.

I am so incredibly proud of her as she has done nothing wrong. We know these girls are bitches and bullies, but I am finding incredibly difficult trying to build up her self-confidence again as she is totally an utterly shattered by this experience.

Every night I cry. Every morning I wake up with a bit in my stomach. These girls were part of my life. Here every weekend for sleepovers. They were part of our family. I can’t believe they have done this to my child.

I know I just need to be strong for my child. I am struggling. I am so angry. I’m angry with the children. Most of all I’m angry with the parents, because if my child ever did this to another child, I would never allow it or condone it.

To hear from people in the same situation and what you did.

My child didn’t deserve any of this.

I’d be very disappointed in the parents of the other girls too. I wouldn’t stand by and allow mine to behave like that and if I ever got wind they had done, I’d be down on them like a tonne of bricks. I’d be on the doorstep of the holiday money thief too and demanding my full amount back or she can face the legal consequences.

Of the mum took money for a trip she cancelled and you have evidence of the payment and what for (texts, e mails and bank statements) then I’d write to the mother giving her 28 days to return the money or you’ll take legal action through small claims court. That should be enough for her to cough up what she’s stolen.

Other than that what an awful situation for your DD. I’ll never get why someone just leads a group into bullying a member and treating them so unkindly and deliberately making them a target.

the only reason I ever think is the ringleader is so insecure they need to feel powerful - and they don’t have the empathy skills to realise they make someone else feel that way - or the social skills to care.

I agree moving schools if possible.

Teenage girls can be very cruel . I do think it is difficult as well as their interests may diverge as they grow older too .

There is absolutely no need to treat others cruelly and leaving one person out is a form of indirect bullying .

I think you have to do as you are doing , above all protect your child’s emotional and mental health .
You and your daughter may never know why she was ostracised . It could be something totally arbitrary e.g one of the girls may have been jealous of your daughter and have been the instigator .

I don’t think it is helpful to expend a lot of time finding out why and speaking to the mums etc .You can’t force friendships- even if the other mums were on board , which they don’t seem to be here .

I think you need to draw a line under it and however painful for your daughter - accept the situation .

I wouldn’t rush to change schools if your daughter is able to attend school and to look for other friends in the school . I appreciate that is a bit ask , but also when she is feeling very fragile and vulnerable making a big move to change schools can also be very hard . It is hard to move schools at that age regardless . You may find you have no choice about changing schools though , but I wouldn’t leap to it as an instant solution .

In two weeks time they had a holiday booked for a weekend in Spain, which I had paid £270 for a weekend Tripp

I was basically told that she was not able to go and that they were not able to get a refund on her ticket. The parent told me that she would give me some of the money back but not all

My child was physically not able to go to school for two weeks and three days because she was in a state of absolute panic

I have had my daughter on medication from the local health clinic, just to enable her to feel comfortable enough to actually come into school

When they went to Spain, she found it in herself to have the confidence to return to school

She returned for those two days when the girls were in Spain and Man managed to somehow cope

I am so proud to say that after many many days and many struggles……she was actually able on a few occasions to attend school. She has avoided lesson that she shared with them, even check changing her options so that she didn’t have to cope with the seeing them

Small claims court for the money.
The trip was a weekend trip so how did your daughter attend school on those days?
Were the two weeks she didn’t attend before or after the trip?

Sounds like a great strategy. Well done, that kid.

Sadly groups of girls can turn on one girl and isolate them like this, although this sounds like an extreme example. And sadly, for teenagers, social isolation can feel as bad as physical pain.

Have you watched the film "Mean Girls" with her? Or read the book Queen Bees and Wannabees? It might help her process the behaviour.

I think the two choices really are find a new group of friends at school (which my sister successfully did after similar treatment) or consider moving depending on her age. Could she consider a new start for sixth form?

Also, anything you can do so she can feel included with peers away from all this stress could help rebuild her confidence. Cousins of the same age, friends at clubs or activities that go to a different school etc.

Check out the book ‘Bully-proof kids’, this is all about power. I hope you get your money and your peace back

I’m sorry this has happened. I had similar happen to me in secondary school, I hated being a teenager, it was so hard. I think this is a moment to teach her, these are not her people, they are not her true friends, I wish I had been given this advice when I was younger. I would get myself in to a state because other girls were so mean to me when I truly never did anything, I was an easy target to manipulate and upset. If my mum had sat me down and told me, this is upsetting, I get it, but these girls are not your true friends, not your people and really, are they people you want to be around if they can be so cruel? It would have helped me a lot. And, they are probably loving that she’s upset about it as horrible as that sounds. I remember how teenage minds work.
I wish I just held my head up high, went to school and tried making friends with other girls who were nicer. Not all teenage girls are like this I found as I did then find my people eventually after a lot of school avoidance, and we are still friends over 20 years later and they are the best people in my life.

This happened to my daughter (cooling off over the summer and then ghosting and excluding her when she went back to school). I told her that she needed to make different friends, and that is what she did (not easy but we had quite a few strategies). It was an incredibly difficult time but she made a much better friendship group who she has a lot more in common with and she has been so much happier and more confident. She is still very good friends with these girls even though they have left school and are at university. See it as a bit like getting rid of a toxic boyfriend and encourage her to move on and find something better. Good luck to your daughter. She will get through it even though it feels really horrible right now.

Were they going to Spain with a parent who took the money? If so, you can ask for it back. Or were they going alone- I’m a bit confused by how old they all are. If over 16, I suppose it is tricky for parents to get involved but I do understand how awful it must be for your poor daughter. Would she consider moving schools or has she only got a small amount of time left?

I presume these girls are at least 17 to be going on holiday abroad together without parents??
This does all sound awful but something must have happened to trigger all this. What was she accused of and what are the two sides of the story?? This kind of stuff is more common among younger girls. This isn’t over a boy is it??

You should ask for an appointment with the headteacher. The behaviour of these girls must be contrary to the school’s behaviour and relationship policy. Penalties for misbehaviour could cause the offenders to be temporarily excluded from school.

@Tiamlocofam Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful. What is the school doing about the bullying? Those fucking parents are no better than their brats.

I agree with this, small claims court. Two can play that Oh I can’t afford to not leave you out of pocket game. You can fill in a form and apply online for small claims, no special legal knowledge needed.

Your poor daughter, for her entire friendship group to turn on her like that, I would be in terror too. I think it would be a huge relief to her if you just told her you’ll change her school and she never has to go back.

so my son is in a similar situation but he’s in last year primary.

he had a couple of people he will chat to a break but other than that he doesn’t have friends at school! What he does have though is friends in his social activities. So in school he goes in he does his work etc, he comes home and he goes to his outside interests were he has a brilliant group of friends.

these mean girls have decided she out these no point in trying to be friends with them she needs to form new friendships with nice people

You havnt said how old they are or whether it was a school trip or organised by one of the parents, yes girls are vile but there is more to this, for this to happen last minute then something happened, either you upset someone or your daughter did or you upset one of the mums

Really, no. Don’t blame the victim. It is overwhelmingly more likely that the girls in this group are, variably: cruel, mean, callous and / or cowardly.

But should we go along with your thought process, what behaviour do you think would make their behaviour reasonable? Genuinely fascinated to know.

How old are the little bullies and your DD ?

It’s entirely possible and far more likely that she has done nothing at all.

Somebody further up the thread recommended the Queen Bee book. There’s probably one or two ringleaders and the rest are cowardly lackeys going along with it, so that it doesn’t happen to them. This spoiler is: it will happen to one of them at some point in the future. Then they will probably want to be friends with OP’s DD. Hopefully by then she’ll be long over it and them.

My friend had a similar situation with her Y7 DD. She eventually changed schools at the end of a miserable year and her DD is much happier. The school were beyond ineffectual and didnt deal with the ostracising on school trips etc. Absolutely appalling. Personally I'd forget complaining to parents and school. Just save your DD.

I also agree with moving schools.

Change her schools to protect her . I know it’s frustrating but life has a way of putting these people back in your life . My nephew was bullied the same way in year 8 later in college one of the boys mum tried to use the fact he knew my nephew to fit in , obviously I made sure everyone I knew, knew how much of a bully this kid was and he soon had a taste of his own medicine . I also had someone bully my best friend for a few years, a group of 3 girls previously her friends , queen bee was the worse , it really damaged her self esteem and made her teen years unbearable , funny enough that was 25 years ago and 2 years ago guess who applied for a position in the same company as mine? The queen bee bully . I’m not going into massive details but she had to find a much worse position away from this area and if depends on me it will carry on being this way . Karma always finds a way .

If you read the post it says she did something to.upset the other girls and also for the mothers to turn against the mother there is more to this, we dont know how old these girls are but they are children and yet people happy to call these children ugly names...for the mothers to turn against this child something was said, it wouldnt surprise me if its the mother whos done something or upset someone....assuming something was said via phones and the girls sound quite young id have checked all the messages on my daughters phone, the mum just seems to be blaming everyone else and not giving her daughter a voice...why did she not go on the holiday? If one of the parents organised it then thats a whole different ball game but if its a school trip there are plenty of other kids so why didnt she go,.it sounds like a parent organised the trip and something has been said and she then couldnt go,...the post doesnt make sense as the kids were not in school yet the other parent said she would pay her part,..i just have a sneeky suspician that the mum has upset someone and is blaming the other girls, the way shes dealt with it with all the drama

OMG someone talking sense this is exactly what i said it doesnt make sense and yes kids do need to sort it out and yes you do need to teach kids resiliance,

Because money on it the mother has upset someone not her daughter and maybe the other mother was the one taking them all abroad and she didnt want to take this child which is her choice,.much more to this story

Another vote for change of school - something similar happened to my dd2 and that is what we did - settled in less than One week with a wonderful group of new friends who are still friends now - almost 10 years later . I see the mums around still but can’t really bear to socialise with them after the way they behaved too. I had considered them to be close friends . It’s vile behaviour and they should all be ashamed