How can I stay calm when school pick-up leaves me overwhelmed and resentful?

[Picklesforlife]

Seeking some advice for what I feel is a toxic loop of parenting that I've gotten into. I can't seem to take my kids (mis)behaviour in my stride or dismiss it as kids being kids and I end up self righteously lecturing them and getting myself worked up.

The school pick up is currently filling me with so much dread I think I'm going to self combust in the playground. My kids keep grabbing and pushing eachother - but also me. They jump onto me, pull my hands and arms, push their bag onto me etc. I find it insanely overstimulating and i want to scream. I've spoken to them about it at home, before we leave in the morning, in the playground, both kindly and also angrily, they have been sanctioned for it, but it has made no difference at all, not even close. I now can't see the wood for the trees because I'm now both overstimulated and also so upset at my ineffectual parenting that I basically implode when we get home and I tell them to leave me alone (or end up lecturing them) They are at a really lovely age (6 &8) I have flexibility with my work to collect them and spend time with them, but the time together feels poisoned. I feel self righteous and indignant, I really dislike this about myself😬but I can't seem to let it go. The irony is I've always been described, and seen myself, as someone who is chill and up for fun.

Any advice for mantras to repeat to help me calm down? Strategies or books to help me deal with resentment and frustration? Thank you

Gosh I feel overstimulated reading about it! Aren’t they a little too old to be pulling on you, jumping on you etc? It sounds like a lot of physical interaction, but they aren’t toddlers. I would get irritated really quickly with this.

They are transitioning from separate classes back to family dynamics, it's a daily readjustment. It needs a little ritual so each of you quickly feels safe and settled. Perhaps you find the transition back to being mum stressful.

It can help to find something to tell them to do, rather than telling them not to do things. You could try being slower to move - don't rush off, give them time to catch their brewth. Tell them to put their bags on the floor, tell them you can't go until everyone is steady and ready, that means got their stuff, got their coat either on or with them etc.

Do they have a drink after school? If you get them to stop, have a drink & maybe a banana before you set off it might help.

If you practise lengthening your spine and some box breathing that might help a bit.

What is happening before the pick ups that is possibly contributing to you being so overwhelmed by this? At pick up you haven’t seen them for hours so it’s not somethings that’s been building over the course of a day, why do you think this gets to you so much?
That being being said, behaviour sounds incredibly irritating. How are you responding in the moment? So the first time they grab you or jump on you what do you do?
If it was me -
any bags thrust at me would be ignored and allowed to drop to the floor, they have to pick them up and carry their own stuff. Unless I offer.
If they jump up (like a dog!) or grab onto me I firmly step back, calmly but very firmly say ‘no thank you’ and stand still until they’ve stopped. Repeat as needed.
As a teacher this is exactly why I do with kids in the playground. They very soon learn not to paw at me. I am never cross and I do not shout. But I have boundaries.
You don’t need calming down, your children need to learn manners. They are very much old enough to not be doing this.

Take a healthy snack to pick up - they are often hungry and it gives them something to concentrate on and they can’t scream

They can have it if they walk nicely and hold their bags

Don't let them. Step up.

I also like the idea above of getting them to put everything down and regroup. Two minutes for a huge then pick up your stuff and hold my hand if they want contact.

Distract with a healthy and crunchy snack. Helps them to regulate and they could be hungry.

Do you show any joy when you see them come out of school - do you hug them and ask them how their day has been?

Do they “keep grabbing and pushing each other” in other situations and/or at home?

Do you have other parenting issues?

Agree
Plus I would have a snack ready, if they behave they get it

I cannot bear being yanked or climbed on
You see mothers being whacked, yanked, climbed on and wincing in pain but doing nothing🙄
No thank you, I am not a punchbag/ climbing frame

Bring a drink and a snack. Greet each one separately and give them 30 to 60 seconds of undivided attention. Give them a hug if they like that and tell them how pleased you are to see them. Don’t try and rush them out of the playground.

I take my kid home on his bicycle which he LOVES so the second he sees me, he races over to grab his helmet and runs off the bike rack.

Maybe something like that to shift their pattern of behaviour?

That would drive me insane as well. Stand well back from the classroom door and keep stepping back if they hurtle towards you (or to the side so they go past). I agree with having a snack held outstretched for them to latch onto.

I don't mind carrying bags but they have to be handed to me nicely. And give them the bare minimum, no coats until it's down to 10° 😅

One big big cuddle & then off, it sounds really irritating with them jumping on you etc.

Can I ask what pick up is like generally at the school? As I love seeing my kids after the school day but I loathe the chaos in the school yard, the bun fight getting through the gate, kids everywhere, loud & hugely overstimulating. So I wonder whether that is contributing?

At 6 and 8 they are absolutely old enough to understand not to jump on you. You need to be firmer with behaviour disciplining for this in my opinion. My younger child doesn't jump on me or grab me at school pick up as we have good respect for personal boundaries.
Exploding when you get home and not dealing with it in the moment is also probably confusing for the children in learning these boundaries.

It sounds like it's the transition that's the issue.
What is it like in their classrooms? Is it a particularly formal school? Have they felt restrained all day? Have they had enough attention in the classroom? How are other children behaving? Is it something that has just happened this term?

Basically this. I spoke to a mum recently with two boys who “don’t let her leave” at the end of the school day. They jump about absolutely bonkers and dictate how long they stay in the playground playing with their friends and running riot. Kids can need time to let off some steam and transition to
going home, but when parents say “they don’t let me” I just don’t understand this.

Don’t let them grab you and bash you about.

Afterschool club! Less kids about at pick up. More space and time. Ignore the transitioning brigade. It’s rolled out for everything. Your kids are just getting away with it.

Can you develop a secret handshake that you do when you greet each other? Of course offer a hug too but no jumping. They aren’t dogs.
and you should not be carrying bags. No way.

Thanks for all your responses. I have tried a couple of these things but no joy yet. This has been going on awhile but the physicality ramped up over the summer and the return to school has been awful. Made worse by their age really. Like others said you could maybe understand if they were younger.

They are always greeted with joy and with a hug, arms open, asked how their day was, but it goes downhill from there. The hug often descends into hanging onto me. I will give the younger one a pep talk about good behaviour before the eldest comes out, but they automatically 'go' for eachother, or mess around with friends but sort of use me as a den, try to hang onto me while friends are running around. I realise how ridiculous this sounds, I am beyond infuriated by it, but I'm also trying not to embarrass them in front of their friends by being this shitty mum who tells them off when everyone else seems to be having some sort of joyful reunion.

I think to have some calm I'm just going to have to be a bit detached. I will collect them and leave immediately, go to a side road and wait for the deluge of kids to leave so the walk home is calmer. It's rubbish for me - no chats or relationships but I'm losing so much time trying to calm myself down it's not worth it. This week I tried to introduce a signal and will try to implement that in more detail. And we said we would have a family meeting this weekend with the kids to revisit family rules and behaviour.

Box breathing is amazing and has helped me in the past but it's my brain that sabotages me. I get into a really resentful headspace and can't seem to snap out of it.

There is one of the key issues right there. You allow this behaviour so that you don’t embarrass them in front of their friends.

You need to not give a shit about embarrassing them. This will be one of the things that will probably make them stop. Put your foot down and absolutely bollock
them in front of their friends. They get one warning and if they continue, you put them in a timeout, in the play ground, in front of their friends.

Can you explain the feeling of resentment a bit? The other feelings - overstimulation, anger, stress, irritability - are all intensely understandable. I'm sure most of us have been there. But resentment seems more unusual.

Resentment involves a thought component - a judgement of some sort, such as "It is wrong/unfair of them to do such-and-such to me; they are wrongly disregarding my needs."

Can you fill in the details of the judgement you are making of your children, and the needs you feel they are knowingly disregarding? Since you report feeling resentment specifically at the school pick-up, is it your social needs (the need to feel at ease and a good parent in the presence of other parents) that you feel are being ignored by your children?

I feel resentment endlessly in relation to my DH, but I never felt it towards my small children because I knew they lacked the sophistication to perceive and act on my more complex needs. Are you sure your resentment doesn't attribute to your children more sophistication than they are capable of? And are you sure that your social anxiety in the presence of other parents isn't causing you to dump responsibility for your unhappiness onto your children, instead of owning the anxiety yourself?

I saw a Mum doing a family ‘secret handshake’ with each child at pick up time, a few silly actions with each, which looked like a fantastic way to connect. Perhaps come up with a different one with each, limit it to 5 actions per handshake?

I'd have a pocket of sweets and only dole them out when they can behave themselves ,do that for a couple of days then explain it'll be Fridays only and any misbehaving and they don't get sweets. Mon-Thurs take in healthier snacks. Say it like you meant it when you reprimand them.

I have no qualms about telling my kids off in front of others - you are letting them get away with bad behaviour in the playground. Tell them off sharply and tell any pals who
join in to bugger off as well (in more polite terms!)

This OP

bite the bullet and things will change