How can I stay calm when school pick-up leaves me overwhelmed and resentful?

[Picklesforlife]

Seeking some advice for what I feel is a toxic loop of parenting that I've gotten into. I can't seem to take my kids (mis)behaviour in my stride or dismiss it as kids being kids and I end up self righteously lecturing them and getting myself worked up.

The school pick up is currently filling me with so much dread I think I'm going to self combust in the playground. My kids keep grabbing and pushing eachother - but also me. They jump onto me, pull my hands and arms, push their bag onto me etc. I find it insanely overstimulating and i want to scream. I've spoken to them about it at home, before we leave in the morning, in the playground, both kindly and also angrily, they have been sanctioned for it, but it has made no difference at all, not even close. I now can't see the wood for the trees because I'm now both overstimulated and also so upset at my ineffectual parenting that I basically implode when we get home and I tell them to leave me alone (or end up lecturing them) They are at a really lovely age (6 &8) I have flexibility with my work to collect them and spend time with them, but the time together feels poisoned. I feel self righteous and indignant, I really dislike this about myself😬but I can't seem to let it go. The irony is I've always been described, and seen myself, as someone who is chill and up for fun.

Any advice for mantras to repeat to help me calm down? Strategies or books to help me deal with resentment and frustration? Thank you

And agree with @Catsandcwtches re snacks! I realised my oldest was hangry at pick up, and was much better for having a snack.

Is there afterschool activities you can enroll them in? Break up the week, just 1 child at pick up once or twice a week? And if its just too much, is there afterschool childcare?

I was already thinking, this needs deing with in the playgroubd, not when you get home. Absolutely do not care what anyone thinks, or embarressing them in front of their friends.

You're their mum, not a climbing frame/den/part of the game.

Agree it needs dealing with in the moment in a firm way. It's ok to tell a child a firm no when they do something you don't like such as hanging off you. I think sometimes the no and the consequences need to be repeated a lot before you get results annoyingly.

If they’re misbehaving, then there’s nothing wrong with telling them off in front of their friends IMO. Mine gets a firm telling off if he does this sort of thing after school- not a total bollocking, but a firm, sharp telling off. With mine, there is sometimes an element of showing off for his friends, kind of ‘look what I can get away with’ type of thing, which needs nipping in the bud. The impact is watered down if you do it after the fact.

If they don’t like you telling them off in front of their friends, they have the option to just stop doing it. The power is in their hands.

I’d go mental at them. They need a short sharp shock

my 12 yr old niece insists on clambering all over her parents and behaving like a toddler. It’s looks ridiculous and I’ve told her so!

yours are a bit younger but omg I wouldn’t have the patience for all this dicking around. Don’t be afraid of making a scene in the playground either. I bet other parents are already thinking what a pain in the ass your kids are.

This
Mine did it once
All this nonsense about being hangry, disregulated, sensory seeking , bullshit so what ?
Is it acceptable to hit/ hurt/ jump on people for any reason-no

Hurting your mother is NOT on whatever the reason

I used to let my DS’s climb trees after school with their friends - it got rid of pent up energy. Could you take them to a playground for half an hour? Even one that is a walk away from the school so they have a focus on where to go? I think it’s too much to expect a child to go straight from school to home without any energy release.

You sound like you get stressed and worked up - could this be triggering your DC? Maybe deal with your overstimulation and resentment first? I think it might be easier for you to get strategies like headphones/breathing etc and then you won’t react in the moment and can deal more effectively.

Did I miss where they were hurting their mother? Jumping, hanging off, pushing their bag into you isn’t hurting. It’s boisterous and annoying but we’re not all delicate little flowers.

I agree, it’s not acceptable behaviour and we do a huge amount of work to prevent it. But if you know what’s causing the behaviour then you’re more likely to solve the problem imo. Don’t assume that everybody who talks about issues like sensory seeking behaviour is excusing it or saying their child should get away with it - often they’re just trying yo understand the issue so that they can correct it.

The reason doesnt matter, was my point
Its not acceptable full stop

Do what I do… get wraparound childcare 😂
they pick my son up and pickup from there is much calmer as he’s run all of his energy out there.

But genuinely it seems hard. A snack or a drink is a must. Be firm… don’t be afraid to tell them off around others.
Maybe if they have a full week of calm pickup the get a treat on a friday/ the promise of the park

I feel for you @Picklesforlife

I agree with the suggestion that they are sensory seeking and trying to release pent up energy. As a teacher, our timetable has become so jam-packed that there is little opportunity for movement or down time for little brains during the day.

My own two explode once out of school. For me this is easier to manage as they go to after school club and there are only a handful of parents in the playground at pick up.

Some suggestions:
Try taking hands and spinning in a big circle or a bear hug with swaying instead of letting them hang off you.

Ask the teacher to put them at the back of the line so they come out last and friends might have left already.

Give drink immediately so they have to sit/stand still for a few minutes.

Try to let go of the fear of what other parents think - they are honestly not judging you.

Also - you say you have tried lots of things - sometimes you really have to be consistent with something for quite a while for it to stick and become the norm. So pick a strategy and stick with it for a whole half term before you change.

I’m not sure who you’re arguing against tbh. Has anybody said that it’s acceptable? The OP is looking for advice on how to improve things - identifying the cause of the issue can be helpful with that, so the cause absolutely does matter.

I do parent my child! Apologies, I probably should have said tap (rather than hit) me and another adult sometimes. Both of us would firmly say no but not make a big deal out of it because it was a 'weird' thing he needed to do sometimes. Neither of us were going to chase him (I physically can't) to make it into a bigger game for him. I would also do the trick of saying bye and heading off to the car and he'd then chase down there (not far).
I would also speak to him later about not 'hitting people'.
Please also don't use JFC - it's offensive - why do people think it's acceptable to use Jesus Christ as a 'swear word'!?

If you start the hugging you are partly responsible. Can you be a bit less hands on, just smile and say did you have a nice day keep it all nice and calm. You are pleased to see them and they are pleased to see you so it all gets a bit over excited. If they are too boisterous tell them to calm down and walk them away out of the situation as soon as possible. If you have to tell them off just do it. The other mums are probably wondering why you let them behave like that anyway.