How can I stay calm when school pick-up leaves me overwhelmed and resentful?

[Picklesforlife]

Seeking some advice for what I feel is a toxic loop of parenting that I've gotten into. I can't seem to take my kids (mis)behaviour in my stride or dismiss it as kids being kids and I end up self righteously lecturing them and getting myself worked up.

The school pick up is currently filling me with so much dread I think I'm going to self combust in the playground. My kids keep grabbing and pushing eachother - but also me. They jump onto me, pull my hands and arms, push their bag onto me etc. I find it insanely overstimulating and i want to scream. I've spoken to them about it at home, before we leave in the morning, in the playground, both kindly and also angrily, they have been sanctioned for it, but it has made no difference at all, not even close. I now can't see the wood for the trees because I'm now both overstimulated and also so upset at my ineffectual parenting that I basically implode when we get home and I tell them to leave me alone (or end up lecturing them) They are at a really lovely age (6 &8) I have flexibility with my work to collect them and spend time with them, but the time together feels poisoned. I feel self righteous and indignant, I really dislike this about myself😬but I can't seem to let it go. The irony is I've always been described, and seen myself, as someone who is chill and up for fun.

Any advice for mantras to repeat to help me calm down? Strategies or books to help me deal with resentment and frustration? Thank you

Pay someone else to pick them up and take them to the park for an hour so run off some steam.

Pay someone else to deal with the problem?

One massive bollocking in front of everyone.

Not a losing control screaming match. Just a very loud, authoritative, threatening, low toned voice “Get off me now. We have spoken about this and I do not like this behaviour so stop it right now or you will have to sit over there until you are calm”. If they continue, you are louder but still scary calm “Stop this now. You are hurting me and it’s not nice. Sit over there until you are calm”

Doesn't sound like they respond to talking. Worth the silent treatment and being very strict at home with entertainment options. Patience, stick to your guns, and repeat for months if you have to. You have let this go on too long.

Unless they have some additional needs, they’re too old to behave this way.

Tell them again very clearly before school what the behaviour is that has to stop (don’t grab me / push me etc) and give them consequences if they continue to do it. Then follow through. Every time. Mean what you say.

OP what do you mean they hang off you? Pull your arm/ clothes? Can't you just hold their wrists until they let go with a sharp telling off?

They’re 6 and 8 not 3 & 5!!
I’d be ordered too but likewise it wouldn’t be happening - you need to tell them no, that’s not how we conduct ourselves! We behave nicely and we are kind to each other! End of!

give them a consequence, if you don’t behave we won’t do x y z or we won’t go to the park/ see friends
make them realise this is unacceptable

@Yourethebeerthief- Why not if it's causing so much stress. My high school aged son picks up a neighbours boys from school a couple days a week. He usually takes them to the field to play football or baseball. They have fun and their mum gets much calmer boys dropped home. It's a win for everyone.

Do you mean that you allowed them to hang off you etc over the school holidays but have decided that you don't like it in the playground in front of all the other parents?
You should have put a stop to this behaviour when it started!

You are the adult, you set the rules. Tell them what you do want them to do and mean it.

Gosh it sounds really stressful! Especially when they are so big.
Here are some thoughts based on my experience, hope it inspires something for you:
School pickup is a really big transition and can be a struggle for everyone in the family
Ignore the fact that every other child greets their parent normally and walks off straight away holding hands (took me a while to get there)
Try to make pickup kind of like an occasion in its own right. Eg I brought a picnic blanket and banana and we sat on the grass either inside the school gates or at the mini park on the way down the road and just left when the kids were ready, no pressure
Just kind of lower them onto the floor and stay close by when they climb/flop/crash you. At first it was quite embarrassing him coming out and basically ignoring me but crashing me and dragging me to the floor, but then I learnt to just get the right angle so I could just dispense him onto the floor if necessary. Maybe it's a ju sodo move! Didn't really fix it for me, but it made it more bearable, and he grew out of it. Maybe there's something you can redirect to like high fives or whatever you can cope with.
Good luck!

You literally just have to tell them no. It's quite simple. You don't need a signal or a family meeting.

Just wondering- do they show any other signs of being “sensory seeking”? My younger son behaves exactly like this at pick up but he has lots of other sensory seeking behaviours: he loves to fling himself onto sofas/beanbags, to be squished between two large cushions, wrapped up tight in a blanket, and by preference likes to walk most places with both his arms wrapped around me, completely snuggled in.

In his case he’s autistic, but this kind of sensory seeking is seen in a lot of kids.

If it’s part of a general pattern then you can try lots of simple games at home that may meet that need for intense sensory input.

When picking up my son for example he gets crunchy snacks, he has to carry his own bag as it’s heavy for him, I get him to spin around on the spot for a while etc and then he can be calmer. The throwing things/barging into me/hanging off on me was driving me insane a year ago but is better now we more actively intervene with sensory stuff.

wow super helpful advice, am sure @Picklesforlife has never tried that. Not all kids are the same. If you’ve had easy kids that listen when you say no then good for you, but that doesn’t mean it will work for all of them.

OP doesnt sound like she has tried it! She said she imploded at home and has had a couple of family meetings, after the fact.

Right, but don’t you think she’d also said “no” or “stop it” or “don’t do that”? Before imploding or arranging family meetings? It’s obviously a problem she’s been trying to tackle for a while.

I feel I could have written this.
mine are 10&7 and every day I go calmly think ‘I’ll be calm, today will be great’ and by the time we’re home I’m utterly fed up and overstimulated.

I suspect neurodiversity in mine, holding it together at school then all the sensory seeking behaviour comes out. Needing physical contact, jumping, bouncing.

I now park further away to give them time to let off steam, they’re the kids cartwheeling across the fields to the car whilst others walk quietly and calmly.

But I do find it all too much and end up hating myself for it. They don’t respond to punishment. I’d say I’m one of the strictest parents I know in many other ways, they’re very polite, a look can stop them doing most things and I always follow through. But the school pick up is awful and extremely difficult to change with parenting strategies.

I think their behaviour is the embarrassing thing here. Telling them to stop firmly and meaning it won’t even register with their friends anyway, but even if it did you need to stop caring about that. I’d keep pickup short and focussed. No hovering - out, hug, hand them a snack and go. They are getting riled up by the atmosphere and extending it is making things worse. What do they do after school? Clubs? Play dates?

Lots of children struggle with after school pick ups - lots of transitions to cope with! It's a tricky one because they obviously 'need' to do something physical but the way they are doing it isn't working for you!
After-school pick up is crazy!! You maybe overstimulated by the chaos as much as by your son's actions. Could you wear earplugs, so you're not dealing with extra noise? Have a stone or other object you like the feel of in your pocket to help ground you during pickup?
My DS (8) used to have a huge amount of energy after school. He had a scooter which he'd often zoom around on after school which seemed to help but other times he would just run around and 'hit' people. I would deal with the hitting but I would look completely unbothered when he was letting off steam. He wouldn't get any attention. I would often sit whilst doing pick up (disability related) so he could land on me for a hug but I was grounded because I was sitting. It also meant that he couldn't run around and bounce up my back either.
Interestingly, we've now changed schools and he's definitely calmer at the end of the day!
Have a look at There's no such thing as naughty - Kate Silverstone. Lots of brilliant information and support to help understand children!

JFC!
You let your kid run around whacking people because its not naughty 🙄
Ridiculous!
Parent your child!

I’d stop the hug

i stead blow a kiss onto the top of the head ( lips to hand and onto head) affectionately greeting them but preventing them hanging onto you.

if it’s mentioned just say I love giving hugs but when I do you know you hurt me and won’t stop. If you ever decide to stop hurting me let me know and we can do hugs

at 6 and 8 it’s simple enough for them to understand

OP, I sat outside my daughters secondary school yesterday as she had a club that finished late.

I watched as other clubs finished and children came out and waited for others.

They were pulling, pushing and climbing on each other. Some of these children must be 14-15.

I know their school is very strict. They have a no physical contact policy. My son got detention for putting his arm around his friend.

I sat and watched and thought that they must be so pent up and restricted that by the time they get out of school they just go mad.

Im saying this because I feel like that’s what could be happening to your children. They want physical contact they want to play fight and in school they very much have to keep their hands to themselves (rightfully so).

It sounds like everyday life to me, but I guess I’ve got used to it over the years with one kid diagnosed with ASD and the other on the waiting list.

I bring snacks for them which distracts them.

I've noticed that school pickup can be overstimulating for ME sometimes. Perhaps try ear plugs such as Loops, or earbuds with noise cancelling. I wonder if it might help you feel calmer.

I’ve only read your comment OP, so sorry if this has already been said. Sometimes I think that same flexibility at work can create a bit of a rod and unfair expectations all round. I don’t know if this will resonate but I’ve found myself trying to squeeze everything in because “I can”. In reality, I find pausing work to do the school pick up, then trying to be present when I have a million unclosed tabs in my brain, really tough. I think there’s a lot to be said for finishing work, having that transition time to reset, and then spending time with the kids. My husband queried not so long ago why I always seemed to be working in the evening. I had to remind him that when I down tools to pick the kids up or to go to sports day, or the nativity, and so on, I have to then make the hours up. He just genuinely didn’t see it. We are very much an equal partnership btw, and there are definitely things he does that I don’t have forefront in my mind. I’m just saying that sometimes you need to advocate for yourself or ask for help, where it’s available. If you can afford to, I’d be making use of afterschool club at least once a week to either give yourself some downtime or, if you have a partner who works fixed hours, to enable let them to do pick up.

Seemingly I am alone here....but I don't see what is stressful about this? My 6 year old is very much the same when he comes out, big bundle of energy.

Excited to see me, excited to be messing with his friends. Yes, can get a bit irritating if he chucks his bag at me and he also occasionally hangs off me (I have to brace for the running jump 'hug' I am going to get) but he's happy to see me and I can't see in any world where I'd describe it as making me overwhelmed and resentful. It's just normal part of life as a boy mum to me! (As someone who also has a 19 year old boy...you'll miss this one day).

Like a PP I bring a small afternoon snack to distract but nothing you've described in your children's behaviour seems out of the ordinary to me or deserving of a massive bollocking.

I don't think your children are doing anything out of the ordinary, it sounds like something in you that needs addressing. I know everyone talks about the kids being ND but are you? Which might explain the overstimulation you are experiencing.