Problems with partners child

[KVH1991]

Looking for some advice or opinions.
Started dating my boyfriend at the start of the year, we both have daughters of a similar age 7/8. We waited about 5/6 months before introducing them. I was a bit concerned about introducing my daughter, she’s very confident and outgoing, can be sassy but generally is very friendly. He told me his daughter was a dream and would be thrilled to meet me and my daughter, but that doesn’t really seem to be the case in my opinion.
When we first met the first thing his daughter said to me was that she thought I was one of his past girlfriends as we looked the same, I was a bit taken aback by this but just laughed it off. Since then every time we’ve met she’s talked about his ex girlfriend's, compared me to them, talked about the time they spent together. In the end I asked him to speak to her as it was making me feel uncomfortable. One time she told me she didn’t think I should be with him as her dad was a bad boyfriend and all his other partners had left him because of this.
Our children also don’t get on well, they start off ok but it always descends into an argument. They seem to have a disagreement about something and it becomes nasty, the nastiness usually initiated by his daughter. I know this because I’ve heard it. She’s made fun of my daughter because of her weight and also told her they aren’t really friends and are only together because her dad and I are together. This obviously upset my daughter as although they fight she does genuinely enjoy spending time with her. I’ve also heard his daughter say that she doesn’t actually want to spend time with my daughter, this was during an argument when they were getting told off.
I’ve spoke to my partner about some things and generally he goes on the defensive and says my daughter starts it and then his daughter gets in trouble for taking it too far, so she’s always in trouble. I’m not saying my daughter isn’t responsible for starting some arguments but it’s definitely not something we have witnessed, these are just his opinions. I’ve also asked him if he’s asked if she wants to spend time with us, or once again he does on the defence saying she does but I can’t help but think that her behaviour says otherwise.
We've recently spent the weekend together and it went quite badly. His family were there so we thought it would be better, more adults around and would break the time up a bit. While we were there I witness his child getting in trouble pretty much constantly, winding up the animals, winding up her cousin, generally misbehaving, ruining games for everyone. Once again I am aware that my daughter was probably behaving more as we weren’t with our own family but I was shocked how bad it was.
My partner seems to be oblivious to a lot of the things going on. Or maybe he just doesn’t think they are bad? I don’t know. He is a bit of a wind up himself so maybe he doesn’t see how bad she is at times. He has previously said he thinks I expect too much from my daughter and expect her to behave perfectly. I just feel like I’m losing my mind, we’ve agreed to keep them a part for a while but then what? We eventually want to move in and have another child but I don’t see how that’s ever going to work as we stand now. I know they aren’t children forever and hopefully things will improve as they get older. But to me he doesn’t seem to be addressing the issues, or parenting her at all at times.

This is absolutely what I wanted to say. I just can’t imagine ever doing this to my kids.

He's rushed introducing you.

Poor child. Her father doesn't care about her and you don't like her but you're ready to have another child (that he won't parent) with this reckless man after a few months.

Your poor child too. Neither you or this man are prioritising your children. You aren't a good parent either.

The only way this might work is if you move in together when the kids are gone off to college.
It's a long wait but it won't work, the kids spending time together

That's how these posts make me feel. So frustrated and upset for these poor children.

Usually the adults try to dress it up as for the child's benefit, but this one outright says she knows her daughter will be miserable but that's a totally acceptable sacrifice if it means she can have a man in her house. So fucking depressing.

Aside from the fact the kids don't get on, how many women has this man introduced his poor child to?

After 6 months I would possibly be considering slowly introducing a new partner to my child, let alone introducing the kids to each other. Things have been far too rushed, perhaps she is a bit of a brat and her parents are too permissive but she’s also very young to be put in a position where she has to regularly interact with dads girlfriend and her kid. Jealousy could easily be an issue if you are already bringing your kid along to her family’s parties.

Actually having similar parenting styles is a marker for a successful relationship (that and attitude to money and finances). I could see me and my partner had siumilar attidtudes to parenting before we had children.
you would be betraying your daughter if you move in with this man with things not changing first.

Oh god. I would be out of there. Maybe his daughter was giving you the heads up.! Lots of girlfriends she has invested in .. why do it again. I dont think it is fair to pursue this for both your girls sake

By the sound of things his daughter has met a lot of new girlfriends washes sick of it, that’s on him and would be a red flag in my opinion.
Also she only sees her dad half the time, it’s perfectly normal that she wants it to be just the two of them, it’s not personal.
Id take a massive step back and see him on your own or break it off, it already sounds stressful and you should be in the happy honeymoon phase.

This.

She sounds confused by the endless women in and out of her dad’s life and is acting out because of this. She sounds insecure.

Her dad should put her first.

If you want to stay with him, see him by yourselves. Leave your DDs out of it.

Trust me, it won’t work.
Said with experience and a huge mental toll on myself and my two children.

End it now, no matter how hard and upsetting it is. (And don’t have a child with him)

The best way to achieve this is to meet someone who hasn't had any children yet.

I think you’re making him sound worse the more you post. Shouting is bad enough but the comment about not following it up suggests that he’s threatening her whilst in anger and then not following through with the threats.

This is not a small disagreement about parenting styles, this is very worrying behaviour. If my DH behaved like this he would not be my DH for much longer.

I grew up with an angry parent though so perhaps I just have much less tolerance for this kind of abuse of DC.

From what you’ve posted OP you seem much too focused on the future of living with him and having a another DC rather than the reality which is that none of this makes your Dads life better and you would be inviting an angry man with a lazy parenting style into her life every day.

I don’t think the bad boyfriend comment did come from someone else. Seven year olds can be amazingly perceptive and I think she’s sawing what she sees.

Nothing you’ve posted about him so far would suggest he’s anything else.

I think do yourself and your perfectly behaved cherub a favour and end things.

You aren’t well suited and shouldn’t even be considering having another child

Listen to your instincts.
You opening post indicates that he is a really passive parent, it's causing his own daughter harm and your daughter harm too.
Most parents disagree slightly about parenting, but not to the extent you are saying.
If you move in together he is likely to undo all the good parenting you have done with your daughter, you won't be in control of any of the children you have together, as he's likely to undermine the boundaries you put in place. And you will always be in high alert with his daughter.
Why oh why would you do that to your daughter?
I genuinely can't believe a 7 year old girl would be so clued up about her dad's personal life to the extent she's warning prospective mum's off. I worry what she's been exposed to.