Problems with partners child

[KVH1991]

Looking for some advice or opinions.
Started dating my boyfriend at the start of the year, we both have daughters of a similar age 7/8. We waited about 5/6 months before introducing them. I was a bit concerned about introducing my daughter, she’s very confident and outgoing, can be sassy but generally is very friendly. He told me his daughter was a dream and would be thrilled to meet me and my daughter, but that doesn’t really seem to be the case in my opinion.
When we first met the first thing his daughter said to me was that she thought I was one of his past girlfriends as we looked the same, I was a bit taken aback by this but just laughed it off. Since then every time we’ve met she’s talked about his ex girlfriend's, compared me to them, talked about the time they spent together. In the end I asked him to speak to her as it was making me feel uncomfortable. One time she told me she didn’t think I should be with him as her dad was a bad boyfriend and all his other partners had left him because of this.
Our children also don’t get on well, they start off ok but it always descends into an argument. They seem to have a disagreement about something and it becomes nasty, the nastiness usually initiated by his daughter. I know this because I’ve heard it. She’s made fun of my daughter because of her weight and also told her they aren’t really friends and are only together because her dad and I are together. This obviously upset my daughter as although they fight she does genuinely enjoy spending time with her. I’ve also heard his daughter say that she doesn’t actually want to spend time with my daughter, this was during an argument when they were getting told off.
I’ve spoke to my partner about some things and generally he goes on the defensive and says my daughter starts it and then his daughter gets in trouble for taking it too far, so she’s always in trouble. I’m not saying my daughter isn’t responsible for starting some arguments but it’s definitely not something we have witnessed, these are just his opinions. I’ve also asked him if he’s asked if she wants to spend time with us, or once again he does on the defence saying she does but I can’t help but think that her behaviour says otherwise.
We've recently spent the weekend together and it went quite badly. His family were there so we thought it would be better, more adults around and would break the time up a bit. While we were there I witness his child getting in trouble pretty much constantly, winding up the animals, winding up her cousin, generally misbehaving, ruining games for everyone. Once again I am aware that my daughter was probably behaving more as we weren’t with our own family but I was shocked how bad it was.
My partner seems to be oblivious to a lot of the things going on. Or maybe he just doesn’t think they are bad? I don’t know. He is a bit of a wind up himself so maybe he doesn’t see how bad she is at times. He has previously said he thinks I expect too much from my daughter and expect her to behave perfectly. I just feel like I’m losing my mind, we’ve agreed to keep them a part for a while but then what? We eventually want to move in and have another child but I don’t see how that’s ever going to work as we stand now. I know they aren’t children forever and hopefully things will improve as they get older. But to me he doesn’t seem to be addressing the issues, or parenting her at all at times.

It isn't a red flag to know where you want a relationship to go.

But it isn't just about you - you both have children.

Even if you didn't have any children, you don't like his child and she doesn't like you.

Something things just aren't meant to be.And this sounds like one of them.

It's a red flag that you are ignoring the glaring problems with this relationship.

First post nails it

Consider that his daughter is simply telling the truth as she sees it. She doesn’t want to be forced to spend time with people she doesn’t really know at all and with whom she is supposed to share her father.

I’d guess she is acting up as any attention is better than none. She clearly thinks that three girlfriends who meet your children within five years is a lot.

I'm not sure I don’t agree with her.

Re. parenting styles... No they're not usually miles apart.

I agree with most of this. I don’t think the bad behaviour is because she’s naughty I think there’s something must deeper it’s stemming from.

I’ve suggested he try some counselling with her but he didn’t seem keen. I think it’s fair enough to say unless he does something things aren’t going to improve and the relationship will end. Or we will date in our childfree time as others have suggested.

I am currently in a relationship with a man with children. He has two similar in age to my two and they are absolutely awful. To be fair, his children have been through trauma with their mother - he has them the majority of the time (think low level children services involvement and negligence but below the threshold for refusing her access), but she is on the scene and continues to cause issues.

I understand that this has impacted their behaviour and helps to explain their nasty sides, but that does not make it easy or pleasant to deal with. There are also other issues at play. I personally think that his own parenting style is a lot more relaxed than mine and I expect more from my children than he does. There would be a massive disconnect between our houses in terms of rules and routine etc...

However, I have seen too much rude and aggressive behaviour from them towards me, bullying type behaviour towards my youngest especially and manipulation. There is a lot of jealousy there and attention seeking. He very much claims to see their behaviour, but also excuses it behind a "kids will be kids" and "six of one, half a dozen of the other" attitude. I simply will not allow my children to be put in that situation.

Our kids were not introduced until well over a year into the relationship, but I now significantly limit the time they spend with each other - think along the lines that they have some contact at a hobby they both happen to attend but they aren't in the same friend groups and will only occasionally spend time with each other outside of that (usually if they ask).

I have been very clear that we won't move in together. I do not really go to his house if his children are there, as it is their safe space and I don't want to intrude on that. It's made a bit easier however as my kids very much like him and are happy that he visits us or I see him outside of the home when he does have free time.

As neither of us want more kids, we are able to see each other outside of the kids. However, if I wanted more kids I could not see a scenario whereby this could ever work - there are just too many problems. I think your choice is a relationship outside of the children in your free time, or to cut your losses if you want to move on towards a more blended family type scenario (although I personally think there are so many issues even with well behaved, perfectly well adjusted children involved that I would not ever do this).

I don’t think seeking advice is ignoring the red flags but we can agree to disagree.

Thanks

the girls is 7/8 and you are the third girlfriend to waltz into her life. When she talks about his other girlfriends she is communicating her discomfort. Her father should recognize this as a sign to pull back on the current blending instead of telling her to change her behavior.

He is a bad parent. Your daughter should not have to deal with this for the rest of her life. Move on.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate hearing from someone whos in a similar situation.

And yes I do agree with you even with well behaved children, blended families are a nightmare and constant work. I’ve seen this first hand myself as my parents separated and both went onto marry someone else.

You think (rightly) that blended families are usually a nightmare and yet you want to move in and have a baby with this man. I don't understand?

Being a dreadful parent, introducing woman after woman to a young child, shifting the blame for his crap parenting onto your DD isn't a 'parenting style'

Seems like the daughter has been through a few of his dad's g/fs. The poor kid probably doesnt know whether she's coming or going!!, she's already told you that the g/fs leave because hes a "bad boyfriend", so you should listen to her and get out while you can

So you don’t think any families should be blended then? Once single everyone should stay single until their children are 18?

I preferably would like to meet someone and have another child. My daughter would love a sibling. It might not be easy all the time but are any families easy all the time?

I do think the bad boyfriend comment has likely come from elsewhere rather than her own opinion.

That poor girl. She's convinced you're going to leave too - so she's telling you that is going to happen to stop her getting hurt again.

Stop trying to force the girls together. Keep forcing it and they will never get on - they also don't have to get on just because they're the same age and you want them to.

If you want this to work long term, you are going to have to give her time to show that you're not leaving. But I don't know how fair all of this will end up being on your daughter.

Sounds like he has very much caused this by letting her get close to women who he has then split with.

Most people try to find a partner who has a similar attitude to parenting - when you have very different styles it will ALWAYS cause conflict, it confuses kids, makes them play parents off against each other and causes friction and resentment between the parents. It’s really, really important to be aligned. Doesn’t need to be everything - but has to be similar. If his parenting style included physical punishments like smacking and yours didn’t, would you be still say that’s ok? Of course you wouldn’t (I hope).

His poor daughter has 3 maternal figures, including her actual mother, and now a 4th, in her life. So that’s roughly a change every 2 years? And you say there are girlfriends she didn’t meet? How many? She needs stability. He’s clearly introducing girlfriends far too early - probably as he wants someone to do his parenting.

Who’s idea was it for the girls to meet at 5/6 months?
Who brought up the idea of living together first?
Who brought up the idea of a baby together first?
When you are with him, how much childcare are you doing? Or how much does he do without you there at all? And how often does he have his daughter?

From your responses you aren’t going to end things, so I don’t know why you’ve asked. It’s clearly a bad match, both daughters are unhappy, parenting styles are too different and everything is rushed. Did he love bomb you?

What was your last relationship like? Was that with your daughter’s father? Have you been in an abusive relationship previously?

Out of curiosity, why does his daughter say her dad is a bad boyfriend?

If I were you, I’d cut my losses after just a year, unless you are happy not to have more children and stay living apart.

PS… this is Mumsnet, not Net Mums. You’ll get honest but brutal replies here. The “Net Mums Huns” might tell you what you want to hear….

We are only getting one side , and you don't like his daughter . What is her history , is her mother in her life ? She sounds unhappy and maybe fears getting pushed out or compared with your child who you think is so much nicer than her . I'd cut your losses and end it .

So you're willing to create a nightmare for your daughter to have a man?

'One time she told me she didn’t think I should be with him as her dad was a bad boyfriend and all his other partners had left him because of this.'

'also told her they aren’t really friends and are only together because her dad and I are together'.

'I’ve also heard his daughter say that she doesn’t actually want to spend time with my daughter'.

These are the parts that really jumped out at me.
This little girl is communicating very clearly how she feels and is not being heard, so she acts up, 'misbehaves', gets into trouble from the other adults around.

Meanwhile her Dad, who is clearly the one who's attention she needs and is seeking, is oblivious and busy planning his future with his new partner of half a year.

This isn't the first time she's had new people imposed into her life only for them to be gone again when her dad breaks up with them, why would she enjoy bonding with you when she likely expects you and your daughter to disappear like previous girlfriends.

The child isn't the problem here.

There is a lot of air between blending families and staying single forever and ever. You can have a relationship that doesn't involve making your kids live with step siblings. You don't have to create one family, you can be two families that sometines spend some time together, but not always. Or you can be two people who see each other when the kids see their other parents. These two girls should never be made to live together. It's not in their best interest.

He hasnt had other girlfriends just he ones she’s been introduced too.

It was a mutual agreement for them to meet. We haven’t spent a huge amount of time together as a 4, most of the meetings have been for half a day/a day out to the zoo etc.

I do hardly any of his parenting when we are all together, I might offer to do her hair etc that’s all really.

the questions about the future just come up in general chat, when your dating I’d say it’s quite normal to tell someone you want more kids? Or want to eventually live with a partner? Maybe I’m wrong.

I think the bad boyfriend comment had probably come from her mum but that’s a massive assumption. It’s just a strange thing for a 7 year old to say.

You've been dating for what 8 months and the kids have known each other a couple months. I think he's lying about the amount of relationships he's had and how many women he's introduced to his poor daughter. You're already talking about marriage and kids, he'll have been here before and the child has seen it. It's moving too fast, you barely know him, I'd move on 🤷‍♀️ I suspect he's the root cause of her behaviour poor kid.

Well you could look at it this way.
His daughter behaves in a way that impacts other people negatively. And will eventually impact her negatively because she will find people dont want to spend time with her. And he's not doing anything to help his daughter by disciplining her. Dont you think that makes him quite a bad dad, given thats a basic of parenting and he isnt new to the game? Why would you want to be with this man, who doesnt want to do the hard work of parenting, who gets defensive (major red flag, you cant be with someone who doesnt have basic conflict resolution skills as what will that model to your child?) when out there there will be a lovely man for you who would hate to see your daughter upset, and would be proactively communicating with you and his daughter to sort things out?

7/8 year old been introduced to 3 girl friends is a lot. Over what time period?

I know they aren’t children forever and hopefully things will improve as they get older.

Because the teenage years are so easy?! Wishful thinking because you want a man and another baby.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

I think you introduced everybody far too soon, imo this is never in the best interest of the children and always about the adults wants and needs. You both need to be prioritising your own children, I felt really sorry for both of them reading this. Take a step back and concentrate on the children in front of you, instead of thinking to the future With a view to creating more.