Problems with partners child

[KVH1991]

Looking for some advice or opinions.
Started dating my boyfriend at the start of the year, we both have daughters of a similar age 7/8. We waited about 5/6 months before introducing them. I was a bit concerned about introducing my daughter, she’s very confident and outgoing, can be sassy but generally is very friendly. He told me his daughter was a dream and would be thrilled to meet me and my daughter, but that doesn’t really seem to be the case in my opinion.
When we first met the first thing his daughter said to me was that she thought I was one of his past girlfriends as we looked the same, I was a bit taken aback by this but just laughed it off. Since then every time we’ve met she’s talked about his ex girlfriend's, compared me to them, talked about the time they spent together. In the end I asked him to speak to her as it was making me feel uncomfortable. One time she told me she didn’t think I should be with him as her dad was a bad boyfriend and all his other partners had left him because of this.
Our children also don’t get on well, they start off ok but it always descends into an argument. They seem to have a disagreement about something and it becomes nasty, the nastiness usually initiated by his daughter. I know this because I’ve heard it. She’s made fun of my daughter because of her weight and also told her they aren’t really friends and are only together because her dad and I are together. This obviously upset my daughter as although they fight she does genuinely enjoy spending time with her. I’ve also heard his daughter say that she doesn’t actually want to spend time with my daughter, this was during an argument when they were getting told off.
I’ve spoke to my partner about some things and generally he goes on the defensive and says my daughter starts it and then his daughter gets in trouble for taking it too far, so she’s always in trouble. I’m not saying my daughter isn’t responsible for starting some arguments but it’s definitely not something we have witnessed, these are just his opinions. I’ve also asked him if he’s asked if she wants to spend time with us, or once again he does on the defence saying she does but I can’t help but think that her behaviour says otherwise.
We've recently spent the weekend together and it went quite badly. His family were there so we thought it would be better, more adults around and would break the time up a bit. While we were there I witness his child getting in trouble pretty much constantly, winding up the animals, winding up her cousin, generally misbehaving, ruining games for everyone. Once again I am aware that my daughter was probably behaving more as we weren’t with our own family but I was shocked how bad it was.
My partner seems to be oblivious to a lot of the things going on. Or maybe he just doesn’t think they are bad? I don’t know. He is a bit of a wind up himself so maybe he doesn’t see how bad she is at times. He has previously said he thinks I expect too much from my daughter and expect her to behave perfectly. I just feel like I’m losing my mind, we’ve agreed to keep them a part for a while but then what? We eventually want to move in and have another child but I don’t see how that’s ever going to work as we stand now. I know they aren’t children forever and hopefully things will improve as they get older. But to me he doesn’t seem to be addressing the issues, or parenting her at all at times.

I don’t think he is necessarily a bad dad. He does shout at her when she’s naughty sometimes but he doesn’t follow it up. I have mentioned this before and he says he feels guilty because they have a limited time together so doesn’t want to punish her. But I think this just results in her getting shouted at more.

From my experience a lot of people get defensive over their children when others bring things up, not that it’s helpful.

I do think some honest conversations between him and his daughter would help. It’s hard though because despite all this she does ask to spend time with us aswell and says she likes me. It’s only during the bad times the other parts come out about not wanting to see us and being mean.

In my experience, parents of badly behaved children often 'don't see' when their child does something wrong, or they make excuses for them. Whatever the reasons for his child's behaviour, I can guarantee that it is going to continue to cause problems in your relationship. She's only 7/8 now, can you imagine what it'll be like when she's 13? What if she decides at some point to live with her dad full time?

I honestly think that this is more than just a difference in 'parenting styles'. He is actively ignoring her problem behaviour and not dealing with it. That's pretty crap parenting in my book.

You need to ask yourself if it's fair subjecting your daughter to this if you continue the relationship. Yes, you can just date and not involve the children but you've already introduced them so it's hard to row back from that. And he's bound to have resentment that you don't want to spend time with his daughter or have your daughter around his!

He’s actually very happy not to have them together as that was what we agreed from the last time we spoke about things. But I do agree nothing will improve if he doesn’t address the issues that are obviously already there.

I agree and this was the decision we made after speaking about it, to see each other in our childfree time.

I was just looking for some advice and see what other people had done in similar situations.

Oh those poor kids

I don’t think he is necessarily a bad dad.

He's introduced her to multiple girlfriends even though his relationships never last, and it's very obvious that this has had a negative effect on his child, so yes, he absolutely is a bad dad.

She's only 7/8 years old and she's apparently been introduced to several girlfriends already. Of course she isn't going to want to play happy families with you and your daughter. Her father has repeatedly made her do the same thing with other women and they've all exited her life. It's really no wonder that she's being hostile.

Honestly, this man is a twat and you would be mad to continue this relationship.

I really don’t think she was ready to be introduced to a new partner and their child. It feels like this man puts his own needs before that of his child. She may need counselling but she also needs a parent who understands that his behaviour is harming her. I would also be very mindful about him around your child.

I only read half. End it now.

His daughter is clearly unhappy, and when she misbehaves he doesn't address it effectively. What exactly makes you want to have a baby with him? He's clearly not a good father.

Not wanting to follow it up is lazy parenting. Consequence doesn’t necessarily mean punishment. Shouting is easy, it requires no effort or thought or putting yourself out. Sticking to consequence is hard. I would suggest this man have a look at the harmful effects of shouting at children. If he feels so guilty about his limited time with his daughter he should spend time with her not tag her on to outings with his new partner.

The fact she says she likes you further highlights my earlier point. She is afraid of the loss and is confused about her feelings. Poor kid needs someone with a brain to clearly identify what’s going on.

"He is a bit of a wind up himself so maybe he doesn’t see how bad she is at times. He has previously said he thinks I expect too much from my daughter and expect her to behave perfectly. I just feel like I’m losing my mind, we’ve agreed to keep them a part for a while but then what? We eventually want to move in and have another child but I don’t see how that’s ever going to work as we stand now. I know they aren’t children forever and hopefully things will improve as they get older. But to me he doesn’t seem to be addressing the issues, or parenting her at all at times."

That was part of your OP. @KVH1991 , if you were reading this about someone else, what would your advice to her be? Especially considering that 'she' "started dating my boyfriend at the start of the year", i.e. that this was a relationship of only 8 months standing?

I think you might advise her to cut her losses, she's only 'wasted' 8 months on a relationship that really isn't going anywhere, that maybe she's moved too fast and should consider why she did that? Was this 'wind up' (merchant?) rushing her?

I'd like to think you'd point out to her the worrying phrase "I just feel like I’m losing my mind".

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else. Put a stop to this relationship. The only future it has is a troubled one, and really - 8 months? Cut your losses, walk away.

”doesn’t seem keen” on helping his daughter. Yeah, sounds like a great dad 🙄

Sorry OP. It doesn't sound good for the future. 10++ years of this animosity.

Good dad: deals with his daughters behaviour
Bad dad: ignores it and gets defensive
Its that simple, just because someone loves their child, and spends time with them, doesnt make them a good parent.

Don’t walk. Run. Not a great outcome for all, sorry

We eventually want to move in and have another child

Earth, meet asteroid. I'm sure you will get along brilliantly.

OP, what other sensible people did in a similar situation is break up.

Your children don't get on. They will continue to not get on more and more as you force them together. That will distress your daughter and make her feel unwelcome in her own home.

His daughter has been put in very destabilising situations too often for her short life. Behaviour is communication. This is an unhappy and insecure little girl. That's her father's fault. He needs to keep her away from his relationships and help build a healthy and loving bond with his daughter.

You'd have to be off your head to consider having another child in this relationship. It will take all existing problems and multiply them exponentially.

Your replies are focussing on the wrong things, all that matters is that it's not in your child's best interests to continue to be made to be around these people.
It does not benefit your child to be around the bully or the boyfriend.

I think you are totally wrong to treat your own daughter like this. You had a boyfriend, the kids met, they didn’t get on. At that point, you should have put your child first. You didn’t. You forced her to meet a child she didn’t like over and over again, just because you like his dad. That is extremely selfish. You should have discussed what to do at that point with your boyfriend - your options were to either continue seeing each other without your children, or split. This message I’ve written is far more polite than my thoughts on reading your posts. 🤬

Oh god, sounds like a nightmare. I remember being around that age and looking at my dad’s new gf and telling her she looks like my mum. She definitely did, most men have a type. I also remember saying my mum dumped him because he drinks too much. She would also go on to dump him for the same reason.

Sounds like this kid has been introduced to a lot of women and is kind of sick of it. I don’t think you should move in together and I don’t think you should bring another baby into it. Personally I would cut my losses, but if you don’t want to do that at least consider pulling back.

Yes you can just see each other in your child free time

I’m finding you suddenly defending him the saddest thing of all. Your child is not happy. No man is worth that. I find it crazy that you are even considering staying with this man. Honestly posts like this make me feel a bit ill. It’s absolute shit parenting, there is no nice way to put it.

It would be cruel to subject a third child to this mess of a dynamic.

His dd is clearly unhappy and it’s not something that’s going to magically get better with age. If anything, it will get worse because teenagers aren’t going to hold back and your dd will realise that there is some truth to what she says. Eg Your DDs probably wouldn’t be friends if their parents weren’t together and that you and him are trying to artificially manipulate a relationship because it suits you both.

You’re not unreasonable to want another child but you need to find someone who is on a similar page to you with regards to things like behaviour expectations. Your kids won’t accept their stepsister having fewer rules than they do.

Personally OP I think your DP introducing his 2-7 to three girlfriends in five years is absolutely dreadful. The child will have had to build relationships that then end. It’s clearly damaged her and is affecting her behaviour.

What’s so great about this man that you’re seriously considering asking your daughter to live in a house with a strange man and a girl with behavioural problems (however understandable)?

If you do this you could permanently damage your relationship with your daughter. I say this as someone who was the child in this situation 25 years ago. When my mum moved me and my brother into a house with her horrible, domineering boyfriend, I learned that she didn’t have my best interests at heart, and the love and respect broke down.

As an adult I forgave her, but as a child and teenager I struggled living with a strange man, and never feeling fully comfortable in my own home. I left home at 16 to escape and live with a (horrible, domineering) boyfriend. My mum was devastated but couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I went back for a year before permanently moving out at 18.

My mum is a wonderful grandma to my DD (2), and I don’t hold it against her now. But at the time it was horrible, and I will NEVER do anything similar to my DD. Me and my brother feel that the first proper home we had was when we lived together for a time in our twenties.

It sounds like something even worse awaits your daughter if you this, as there’s a child she doesn’t get on with in the mix.

I know you probably think you deserve to be happy, and you do. But you don’t need to live with a man, and make your DD’s life a misery to be happy.

Also not saying blended families can’t work, but they rarely do.

Do the right thing OP and stop forcing the kids together, and take a step back. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible with this man.

Ha! Kids can be insightful and astute. The OPs partner’s daughter sounds similar: she’s got his number as far as women go, and knows how false and hollow the situation is. The OPs daughter is in a different, more trusting place, as she’s not been through the charade several times before.

You only started seeing this bloke at the start of this year. You barely know him and you’re talking about moving in together and having more children.

It would be a horrible thing to do to your DD. I think you should prioritise her and either finish things, or just date this man and not involve the DC.

You must have lost some respect for him having seen what a shit parent he is?