Has any mother given their child’s father custody?

[KazHaopin53917]

Long story short and I know this sounds selfish.. but I don’t want to be dragged through the courts by my ex partner and father to our toddler. Do I just hand over custody now? I don’t have the funds or energy to fight him, I’m miles away from family and friends and life has been tough lately and I’m just exhausted (I know there absolutely awful things happening in the world elsewhere)
I feel awful even thinking this but unless I go through the courts, there is no way I can agree something with my ex partner amicably. I know this will affect my relationship with my toddler when they’re older but I would hope they would understand.

I’m an adult and I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend not doing everything I possibly could to fight for my child.
Why would custody not be shared?

So you want to have your child raised by your ex?

What does your ex want?

You are exhausted but talk, here!

My children’s father would literally have to murder me to take them away from me. It sounds like your ex cares about them more?

Why can't you share custody? Why did you have DC to just give up on them?

I couldn't imagine being away from my DC for a single night - let alone "give them away"... really odd and they will never forgive you.

Custody is often awarded 50/50 where parents can't agree, unless there are fairly strong reasons why not.

First of all you don’t need funds to fight him especially if he starts proceedings. This is just a small chapter in your book it will pass. Pick yourself up, enjoy time with your child and don’t think about it until you have to. Has he started court proceedings if so which order has he asked for or threatened to ask for? If he’s harassing you and you feel it’s inappropriate then message him once asking him to switch to a parenting app and cut contact. If he’s harassing continues to contact you it’s harassment. I wouldn’t give my ex custody of a cheese sandwich but I’ve been in your situation and I fought bloody hard for it. I was in and out of court like a season of Wimbledon. It will genuinely pass.

Don’t agree to anything until you have taken legal advice

The absolute minimum you’d get is 50:50 without even fighting

I don’t think that your child would understand why you chose to give up custody. I’m sorry things are so hard, could you move nearer your friends and family for some support?

Your child won’t understand, no.

There's lots of single dads (not including widowers/mums who live away for work/in prison/are long-term in hospital), so that surely must be true. I know in some cases the mum might have been abusive, but it's hardly likely to be so in every case.

I hear you OP. The Court system is absolutely draining and you need to be strong to get through it.
The good news is that there are enough people on here who know all about it and will cheer you on at every step.
You can do it.

Your child will understand yes. I say that as a child where my dad gave up thr fight for me and my mother gave up the fight for my younger brother. Both bro and I understand but neither of us had a good relationship with the absent parent.

You say you don't have the strength. Are you able to get support? Are you able to access some support somewhere?

Would you feel ok about your child viewing you a stranger?

If your x and you can't come to an agreement then the court will have to. I know you say you don't have the strength but you will find it if you decide you would not feel OK about your child seeing you as a stranger. . .

However if your x is a good dad abd you can trust him to not parentally alienate you from your child and you can find a way to coparent. Your son will likely be ok.

I guess unless there is a backstory of you being a poor parent, you would be able to get 50/50 without fighting too hard. You may need to fight if you want him to, for example, only have 1 or 2 days every couple of weeks. But 50/50 shouldn’t be too much of a fight.
Don’t pay much heed to the people saying they don’t understand or not being nice, exhaustion or depression etc can make you think of doing things that you would never normally do

we all have situations where are we are exhausted, but you don’t get to not try fight for you child. You need to find you fighting spirit. Unless there’s another reason your fighting spirit will be there. Your child would never forgive you and I don’t think you would forgive yourself.

My sister actually did do this different reasons could hack being a mum despite desperately trying for a baby. The teen was messed up by this.

Do you have to go through courts?

What do you think will happen if you just leave? Can you take your child back to your friends/family?

(This is not meant to be a gotcha question, it's a genuine query).

We would be living 3 hours away from each other if I was allowed. X has sent me solicitors letter today to try and stop me ever moving back home to friends and family with our child. I could live with family there whilst I get back in my feet and I would also have help with childcare.
relationship with x broke down a long while ago and we still live together but he won’t allow house to be sold but has suggested I move out and leave our toddler with him. I still pay my half of bills and mortgage etc and I work part time as i do the majority of the childcare so I wouldn’t get accepted to rent anywhere or get a mortgage on my own even if he eventually did give me some of the funds from the house. He’s very wealthy, I’ve always worked but not in well paid jobs and he knows I can’t afford to leave and find alternative accommodation suitable for our child and said our child needs to remain in current house as it’s his home.
I’ve also had to get rid of my car as I couldn’t afford to run it and now have to use buses to try and get anywhere which sometimes results in not being able to get home and having to find a taxi (we live12 miles from nearest reasonably sized town)
i don’t have many options being so far away from my support network and now solicitors letter has just landed.

Sorry xposted, will read your comment

probably should add we were engaged but never got around to getting married

@KazHaopin53917 I think you need legal advice, can you get the free half hour? A solicitor’s letter doesn’t mean what’s said is fair or the law and your partner sounds like he is trying to scare you into doing what he wants. It sounds like he would turn your child against you. I’m hoping someone here can give you sound advice but please whatever you do, don’t let him push you into a quick reaction that you may well regret.

You can be a litigant in person (LIP) and get support from a McKenzie friend at the fraction of the price of a solicitor- I did. Do not bend to your ex‘s will! Bullies will keep bullying until you stand up to them.

I fought for my kids with my back against the wall and no money and Cafcass supported me. Do not hand over custody or your child may question this later and you most likely won’t forgive yourself. You sound exhausted - bless you.

Who’s around you in RL to support you? Reach out and dig deep.

He has succeeded in scaring me

Pack up and leave in the morning. It sounds like he’s trying to force the situation. Do not let him bully you! Just go and stay at a family members house until you can get back on your feet. If you desperately want to keep hold of your son then you will find the strength to get through this!

I think you need legal advice. This is a very clear case of coercive control, though.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid at all or any local DV helpline? They are often free to call.

Could you go to stay with your family temporarily, with DC? And make phone calls from there? Would family/friends be in a position to pay for legal advice?

I believe that a solicitor's letter is worth absolutely nothing in terms of legally preventing you from moving. It's likely just to intimidate you and make you think you can't go against it. If I understand correctly, he would need a prohibited steps order for that, and he is extremely unlikely to get one. But I am not a lawyer, this is just what I've found from googling.