Has any mother given their child’s father custody?

[KazHaopin53917]

Long story short and I know this sounds selfish.. but I don’t want to be dragged through the courts by my ex partner and father to our toddler. Do I just hand over custody now? I don’t have the funds or energy to fight him, I’m miles away from family and friends and life has been tough lately and I’m just exhausted (I know there absolutely awful things happening in the world elsewhere)
I feel awful even thinking this but unless I go through the courts, there is no way I can agree something with my ex partner amicably. I know this will affect my relationship with my toddler when they’re older but I would hope they would understand.

Can I just say that courts don’t like a parent moving away with a child so it makes it almost impossible to co parent effectively. The help you need is from ex. He’s going to try and stop you going and might well win that argument. If this has prompted his action, I would think again and look at a solution with him involved and you too.

I take it you’re the main caregiver. Do not give this up.

i think leaving may escalate matters even more unfortunately. X wants full custody and then I only get to see our toddler every other weekend. X suggested I move home without toddler but continue contributing financially towards house and bills. I’m not sure how this would work on the days toddler isn’t in nursery and is with me though?! Very confused, worried and scared. Will keep you all updated.

Yes, I had heard he might win this argument looking at various outcomes with similar circumstances.

What's this based on? Experience or hearsay?

I am not accusing BTW, I am genuinely wondering, because I would have assumed that a parent moving to be with their support network would be seen as neutral, and the child is a toddler, so a move is unlikely to disrupt their education or friendships. But I do not have experience with UK family courts so my assumptions could be wrong.

With the context that the co-parent is abusive and controlling and has isolated OP wouldn't that give relevance to the need to move back towards a support network?

It sounds like you need to contact woman’s aid and leave with DC via a refuge. No you don’t need to pay half the mortgage if he refuses to sell and has sole use of the property.

He really has done a number on you.

Leaving via a refuge may give you a stronger case to relocate with your DC.

I also suggested I stay in the family home for now until I can work a bit more but he has said it’s his house and he will not be going anywhere. He has lots of options as has family and friends locally.

X suggested I move home without toddler but continue contributing financially towards house and bills.

Absolutely do not do this. Although I think you will need legal advice about what to do with the mortgage payments. Is the house in both names?

Although leaving is likely to escalate the situation, as far as I am aware, it does not change the legal situation if you go to visit your parents or a friend with your toddler, ostensibly temporarily, and this is perfectly legal to do. So anything he can say/do if you were to leave, he can say/do now.

If the situation were to escalate during this temporary visit, it would make sense to contact the local police force where you are staying and seek advice, as well as using the distance to contact any DV advice service such as Women's Aid or a local DV service.

Do you know how to clear your internet history and/or use private browsing when visiting MN and any websites relating to child custody laws? You might be best off making plans and gathering information secretly so that he does not suspect. OTOH it sounds like he does already know that you want to leave, if he is sending threatening (even if legally useless) letters and making suggestions which are not practical or logical.

@KazHaopin53917
Are you in work currently? What's your housing situation at the moment?

I'm pretty sure he can't refuse to sell the house, a court could order him to. Unless he offered to buy you out, which it sounds like he could afford to do.

Could you then rent somewhere locally? How much will you get, roughly, from the house sale?

I'm so sorry, @KazHaopin53917 , you're in an awful position. Your ex-DP sounds like an abusive prick.

💐

@Woodfiresareamazing2 I don't think they are married so it could well be the property is in his name only?

OP mentioned paying he share of the bills and mortgage, so I thought they bought it together?

It's not clear...

@KazHaopin53917 do you have a joint mortgage and joint ownership of your home with your Ex?

I agree with other commenters @KazHaopin53917 this is abusive! You no longer have a car, you are still paying yet you are supposed to leave? No, please get some professional advice - think someone said Women’s Aid, try citizens’ advice and don’t be pushed out of your home. If you’ve been doing the bulk of the care well maybe he gets to leave. Please try not to panic, do not do anything rash. Don’t leave in a panic - get advice before you even consider that, it may not be the best option.

OP don't leave without your child, you will regret it. Don't let him bully you. You need legal advice asap, go and see a solicitor and take the letter with you.

If the house is his and he is telling you to leave, you can present at your local council as homeless. They have to house you and your child, in temporary accommodation at first until they find you somewhere permanent.

@KazHaopin53917 which country are you in?

You have received a solicitors letter full of legal force about his rights and your are understandably scared.

But you have no representation and have so far not sought legal advice. This is the first thing you must do. Doing so would give you understanding of your rights, which might make you feel more confident and less scared.

Fathers can’t just bully women into handing over full parental responsibility for a child in the UK. Both parents have equal rights at this stage.

Call a solicitor today. He has gone down the legal route. You have to engage with that. A solicitors letter to him would put in lawful language your rights, potential outcomes and propositions I guess ( I am not sure, I have no knowledge of how this works, but solicitors are the experts).

A solicitor would be so understanding of your situation and would be able to advise you of every possible outcome, of your legal rights and every step going forward.

You cannot do this alone.

You can make an application via a C100 to relocate and difficult to see when you’re the primary carer that that won’t be permitted.

Contact Advicenow.org, check local universities for free law clinics, buy “The Family Court without a lawyer” book - most people don’t have legal aid and v few people can afford lawyers fees in the Family Court, the vast majority of people represent themselves.

If you both own the house make him sell it. If you don’t half own it but will have accommodation with your family that sort of strengthens your position as re relocating .

Don’t hand him you child because you feel overwhelmed and afraid, you’ll regret it.

As others have said he can be forced to sell or buy you out if the property is in both your names. Even if it isn’t you could be permitted to to stay - this would come under Schedule 1 Children Act provision

So you aren’t a Co-owner of the house?

You need to leave with your DC. He is bullying and threatening you. You need to speak with Women’s Aid and your local council housing department and explain you need to leave an abusive relationship with your child.

Are you receiving the child benefit. This is absolutely key.

My mother did absolutely everything she could to avoid court, it was to the detriment of everyone except my Dad.
You are the mother you will get custody automatically unless you are demonstably unfit, demonstrating this is very difficult, your ex's solicitor will have explained this, so he is possibly just trying to scare you.
I think your post makes it sound like you don't want custody, in that case I don't think your child would understand,no.

Not necessarily true I’ve been supporting my friend through court as a McKenzie friend, she is primary care giver tried to move, gave notice to ex, he triggered a Prohibited Steps Order, got a hearing within 2 weeks and now she can’t go anywhere until there’s been a full Section 7 in January 2027.

If he is being abusive and controlling diarise it and start building a case for a Non-Molestation Order. Once that has been put in place, leave. By the time the NMO is up for renewal you’ll be happy and settled as he won’t have been able to contact you.

The fact he has sent a solicitors letter means absolutely nothing.

You are panicking because plan A isn’t an option. It never should have been an option. Moving a child away from a parent who wants to be involved is not reasonable.

You will figure out a way to support yourself and your child. Start by looking into what benefits you might be able to obtain. Is there housing assistance available?

Get a solicitor. This doesn’t have to be acrimonious. You just need someone to explain your rights and keep this process simple.

Are you part owner of the house?

My mother walked away and gave my father custody. He then joined the army and was in Singapore for the next 12 years. I was 3. Since having my own children I have not been able to forgive either of them. Been non contact for over 30 yrs. My father is now dead. My mother as far as I know is still alive. Don’t do it

Is the solicitors letter a genuine one?
Did you accept it via post or registered and delivered to hand?
If you have family 3 hours away can they let you come 'visit' for a few weeks? Could you pack a few bags while he is not around and go and visit your family and tell him when you are there? You need support right now and visiting family is not illegal surely?