What did his ex mean by this?

[merrysunflower]

Last week I attended a sporting event for my partners son.
during the match my partner and her partner were cheering on the team. I think it turned into a little bit of who could shout the loudest. She pulled her partner back and was speaking to him and I heard her say ‘we don’t have to love them the loudest’ the partner instantly reined it in.

it’s really played on my mind all week. What do you think was behind that comment?

You seem to have limited experience or awareness of the role of blended/extended families and the roles they play in those families. Or even a mistrust for those relationships?

I have attended my nephew’s football matches because he asked me and he loved having various family there.

It is nothing more sinister than that!

I think she was pointing out both partners need to stop pissing up each other's legs and not to be so performative.

Bit embarrassing for the child.

You’re overthinking it.

It doesn’t sound like it was a dig at all. To anyone.

It sounds like her partner was behaving in a cringey way and she was reminding him how she expected him to conduct himself in this setting.

I'll tell you what I think- I think you're looking for anything to support your dislike of his ex.

The comment is fully comprehensive in itself. I really don’t get what you’re asking?! I think you need to grow up.

I think she thinks the other parties are all behaving like dicks shouting the loudest. And they need to wise the fuck up.

It was a dig at her current partner and her ex! If I'd have been in that position with my stepchildren's mum I'd have caught her eye, smiled and rolled my eyes or mouthed 'men'

I think she was bored of the willy-waving and possibly embarrassed.

I am a bit confused who is whose partner here, but in general of course new partners who are stepparents after a while (married or not) attend sports, drama, graduation and other events together with the parents? We have done this all the time, sometimes requesting extra tickets. Our kids wanted their family there and that included stepparents and stepsiblings.

It wasn't a dig. It was a sensible mature comment. Both dad and step dad were showing off to try to prove to the kids that they support the the most by shouting the loudest. Instead of causing a scene she calmly pointed out that being louder doesn't mean you love them more. She is right.

It was a dig at both of them and she's absolutely right.

Well, she could see that it was potentially turning into an embarrassing situation and was applying some mindfulness to that. Maybe for the child, maybe for the peace of everyone around. Or maybe to take some of the heat out of an already tense situation. How are things between you usually?

You answered your own question. It was turning into who can shout the loudest and his ex very sensibly reined her partner in and reminded him it doesn’t matter who shouts loudest.

Did your partner quieten down too when the other bloke did?

I don’t think it was a “dig” just a mature conversation between partners. Not her job to tell her ex to behave.

Not a dig at all, just what sounds like a sensible woman telling her partner to basically stop cheering so loud and it’s not a competition.

Oh for goodness sakes.

SS14 plays football, dad, my DH, does all training runs and we both do all matches (mum usually working), sometimes his mum comes to matches or training if she is available and, shock, if it’s a match she stands next to me and has a conversation. Sometimes her boyfriend comes and brings his kids and we might share passing comments, sometimes if it’s a cup match or awards night we might all be there. Sometimes what was his step dad is at matches or his new girlfriend as her girls play for the same club and sometimes have a match before or after. Some people are actually able to act like adults, put the kids first and be civilised, believe it or not.

In this case it sounds like the men were trying to prove something and mum suggested that stepdad take a step back to stop it, which was sensible.

Is your partner a bit of a performative dad?

Sounds to me like she was embarrassed by her partners increasingly loud cheering and wanted to remind him that he can show the son support without being performative or engaging in games of one-upmanship

I imagine she thought the same about your partner also but didn’t feel it was her place to say so.

Your perception of this really makes you seem like a problem- do you not get on with ex?

it’s lovely you were all there together, she meant “you don’t need to shout and be over the top to have son know you love him and are rooting for him” she saw the men were getting silly, that is all. Yours included.

This whole thread is bizarre. From the weird comments asking why you were there ( my husband AND his parents watch my son play football alongside my son’s dad and his family, shocking I know!) to OP being completely naive to what her partners ex meant and wanting to make it deeper than it is.

OP what is your actual issue with her comment?

She already knows her ex is a knobhead and she’s subtly reminding her currently partner that he isn’t a knobhead so doesn’t need to act like one.

She probably just feels sorry for you picking up her cast offs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It wasn’t a dig at anyone. It was a perfectly reasonable sentiment that she expressed very clearly. What’s your issue?

It was a polite way to tell him to lower the volume.

Sounds like she though that both the blokes were being bellends so told hers to rein it in a bit.