Managing frequent arguments between step-siblings and siblings in a blended family

[Countryrose12]

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read.

I am just seeking others experience and views on the below.

I am in a blended family, I have two bio children, Husbund has one bio child who stays at weekends.

Bio son and step son get on okay (few arguments but nothing major), but mainly Bio daughter and Step son argue and scrap whenever they are together. The past weekend due to activities they only spent about 3 hours in the same proximity and still it ended in arguments and name calling.

This has been continuing for months and months, I am exhausted, I feel miserable and I’m pretty sure my Husbund does. We both feel protective of our children, anyone have any suggestions please as to how this can be prevented, made better or anything? I dread the weekends. I don’t expect them to like each other, just respect each other and know when to just walk away. They are young, all under 10. Or is that a too high expectation? Any suggestions would be great thank you.

What are the arguments about generally? Is there a difference in parenting styles? What are the consequences when it happens, and are they the same when under each parent’s care? How long did they know each other before blending and how long have you been blended?

Why do you live together when they all detest each other?

I’d take your kids and move out.

How old are they all.
How long have you known new dp?
Do your kids see their dad?
How long have you had them living like this?

I think you need to just not live together. It's not OK to make your kids live in an environment where there is constant conflict, especially since they are not even siblings and you have other options. If you keep this up one of your kids will eventually vote with their feet and the parent child relationship will break down because they were not protected or prioritised.

The arguments can start from little things such as SS not winning a game or BD over reacting to SS.They are sent to time out, spoken to and we try to keep them away from each other with the little time they are in the house together. we have been together a couple of years and married for 1. Living together 1 year, Husbund has struggled to discipline SS but it has improved slowly. Parenting styles are different as SS is husbands only child so isn’t used to not having things his way. I have two children so they are a lot more used to compromise and sharing. I’m not expecting a miracle but just ideas as to how to gain some respect between the two. I don’t have SS by myself as SS will swear at me, be rude and not listen etc. so that stopped after a couple of times trying to have him stay while Husbund works or has to pop out.

SS is here at weekends only and activities are usually planned for them all.

How long have the DC known each other? What was their behaviour like towards each other before you fully blended them and moved in together

This is probably more than.them not getting on. Stepson probably resents the fact that he does not see dad all the time. Does SS get quality time alone with dad when he comes over? Is the relationship bwn.DP and ex amicable? If not, this may also be having an affect on.him.

I agree with the other responses, it doesn’t seem fair in either of them that they have to spend their weekends with someone that they dislike. How long did they know each other before the blending occurred? It also sounds like the ss is badly behaved and doesn’t want to blend.

How is SS's behaviour in school? SS is clearly struggling with adjusting and a big warning, it will get much worse as he gets older and will be physically dominant to your daughter (and you).

You need intervention, zero tolerance to aggression. If you husband is not on board you can't do anything and the future will be bleak. Did you rush marriage and living together?

I was seeing someone who had a son nearly 30. My DP wanted me to ho and visit his son with him. I said it was something I would do.maybe occasionally, but his visits were for dad and lad not for me. Different situation, but i feel some similarity with your's

And this is why blended families don’t work for many children. Your DCs’ downtime is ruined by SS and SS won’t want to share his time with his dad with your two (who presumably get to see him in the week too). I wouldn’t want my DCs’ childhoods ruined like this.

SS spends one day in the week just him and dad. They also spend Saturday just him and dad mostly. They get one on one time. Co parenting is okay between them, not amazing but okay.

They did not fight like this before we moved in together and got married. They had known each other nearly two years.

SS has been excluded from school, has done a bit better recently I have been told by dad. I proposed a family meeting, whiteboard with rules and zero tolerance going forward. Do you think that is an idea?

I really don't think laying down the law is in any way appropriate in this situation. Behaviour is communication and your SS is clearly very, very unhappy that his dad has another family for the most part of the week that he is not a part of. You really should not be living together until this is solved. At the moment both your kids' and his kid's have their weekends ruined and that is the time they have to recharge and spend quality time with their parent. It's really not fair on anyone to impose this when it only (but barely at the moment) benefits you and your DP.

Permanently excluded or suspended @Countryrose12

If SS is excluded from school at such a young age there is clearly a lot more going on for him than you've told us here.

Does he have any SEN? How are his behavioural needs being by his parents and the school? His behaviour towards you and your daughter is not happening in isolation. His parents need to be working together and engaging in some kind of therapeutic intervention. I'm not sure it's benefitting anyone being made to live together.

Nobody seems to have said it @Countryrose12 so I will. It seems your daughter is having to live with a bully, that is not ok. I get the step son is unhappy but he sounds like a little shit who (reading between the lines) you H doesn’t discipline properly. Your DD has to stand up for herself as you aren’t protecting her.

I believe he is being assessed for Autism, I haven’t been told much about it as the BM doesn’t tell dad a lot.

I have spoken with my Husbund in regards to his needs and behaviour and I am only told he is going to be assessed. Again the children don’t spend a lot of time together but the little they do they don’t get along. I’m starting to think the best action is for my Husbund to have the time he has him with him only.

Fair comment, I do absolutely stand up for her which usually causes SS to go home early due to behaviour somtimes. Thank you for the honesty, I think moving forward the time my Husbund has with his son will be for him and his son only on the weekend.

If SS has been suspended from school then it’s unlikely that a family meeting and setting out rules will work.

(schools have rules and set them out very clearly but he’s still suspended)

in order to try to make this situation better it needs to be better understood.

what was SS suspended for? Are there other concerns about his behaviour?

if he’s arguing with one of your children but not the other, what’s driving that? If one of your kids is trying to pick him up on bad behaviour while the other one just withdraws then maybe that’s the dynamic.

either way, try to identify what is going on and then disrupt it. So mix it up a bit - for example if SS is obsessed with winning and gets upset when he loses a game then play co-operative games where you all win.

its quite clear this isn't working for anyone.

Your step-son is clearly very very very unhappy because his dad has moved in with another family and has "chosen" them over him.

The kids need to not spend time together.

Stepson needs to have just his dad all weekend.

oh wow, so he gets sent home from dad if he "misbehaves" - but DD gets to stay and be with his dad.. so, another rejection after dad chose to live with you and your two kids.

no wonder he's struggling, poor kid.

no.

just let his dad deal with him - they have all weekend together, without your family present.

your kids will thankyou too,

don't your kids see their dad?

How would you have felt if a new child you didn't particularly like had been regularly brought into your home and discipline was ratcheted up to control your behaviour when you acted out your upset feelings ? Blended families rarely work well for the children. I would look at alternatives for DH's contact with your SS for a while and give everyone a break.