Managing frequent arguments between step-siblings and siblings in a blended family

[Countryrose12]

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read.

I am just seeking others experience and views on the below.

I am in a blended family, I have two bio children, Husbund has one bio child who stays at weekends.

Bio son and step son get on okay (few arguments but nothing major), but mainly Bio daughter and Step son argue and scrap whenever they are together. The past weekend due to activities they only spent about 3 hours in the same proximity and still it ended in arguments and name calling.

This has been continuing for months and months, I am exhausted, I feel miserable and I’m pretty sure my Husbund does. We both feel protective of our children, anyone have any suggestions please as to how this can be prevented, made better or anything? I dread the weekends. I don’t expect them to like each other, just respect each other and know when to just walk away. They are young, all under 10. Or is that a too high expectation? Any suggestions would be great thank you.

What is the point in giving defensive advice ?

His dad had taken him home an hour early due to them all not getting along. That wasn’t at my request either. That was his decision.

Again fair comment. That’s why I said proposed not yet implemented as I was asking for advice? I agree his time with his son needs to be with him alone.

I am feeling more and more sorry for the SS. Your DP has made such a bad decision there by removing his own child when he misbehaves only to go back and spend time with his step-children instead. It sends a very clear message to his son.

You can't send him home for bad behaviour. He's his dad, you can't send your kids home for bad behaviour can you?

It sounds like the kid is a bit of a tough one and hasn't been parented very well and you've rushed your kids into living together. It was obviously not going to go well if he's been excluded from primary school. He shouldn't have been rushed into a mixed family.

But tbh my kids argue all the bloody time and one of them can't even speak properly yet. Kids fight.

Moving forward his time with his dad needs to just be entirely 1-1 time. He clearly wasn't ready for this.

You’ve been together a couple of years and in that time you’ve married and blended the family? I can’t imagine why the kids are acting out 🙄

I can’t possibly imagine why the SS has issues with your BD when he’s being sent home over his behaviour towards her. This is going to make her the issue in his eyes.

Generally I agree with the other posters that he’s probs my very unhappy his dad has left and is playing happy families with other children while he barely sees him.

’behaviour is communication’ as a PP succinctly put it - and you sound like you’re punishing him for what is probably deep unhappiness.

@Mumtotornadoes I didn’t send him home, his dad had decided to take him home. I wouldn’t ever request that.

I agree his time with his son needs to be one on one. Absolutely, my two disagree but they are little squabbles. Thank you for your advice.

Firstly, WHY doesn’t your DH know what’s going on with his own son’s diagnosis?

This is not just the Mums issue to deal with. Dad should be there at every meeting, a part of every discussion, plus doing his own research into how best to support his child; surely that’s what all good parents do?

Secondly, I feel very sorry for all the DC in this situation, they’re clearly unhappy.

OP, imagine if after marrying your DH he’d told you that your belligerent MIL (a potentially made-up person for this post) was going to live with you EVERY weekend, be a part of every activity, meal time, conversation etc throughout your downtime of every week; you’d be screaming about how unreasonable that was.

And yet that’s what your asking your DC to do; share their home with a married-in family member that they don’t get on with.

Or, imagine that your DH had said “and between Mon-Fri I’m going to live with another woman, and at weekends, that OW will come and live with us.” Because his son is you in that situation. Your DSS wants his father’s love, but he sees his dad giving love to two other DC Mon-Fri every week without him, and at weekends he has to share that fatherly love between 3.

Imagine how disregulated that would make you; your DH claiming to love you, but living with the OW the bulk of the time. Would you feel happy in a marriage like that? Do you understand why your DSS feels unhappy?

Blending families is HARD, and none of the DC seem to be enjoying the situation they’ve been forced to live in, for understandable reasons. It’s sad that the mental and physical comfort of the DC is rarely prioritised when “blending”.

One-on-one time, and possibly a change of living situation is what is needed here.

@MidnightPatrol I didn’t request for him to go home his dad had decided to take him home. I wouldn’t do that.

I agree, he’s obviously not very happy. I think moving forward his time with his dad should be just him and his dad.

It doesn’t matter who made the decision, it’s that it happened at all.

Stop repeating this line. You’ve said it so many times but it isn’t taking accountability for the fact that it’s not how your SS will see the situation. He’s a dysregulated young child with very likely SEN. He needs consistent love and support.

Also what are the kids ages as it’s relevant. You’ve just said all under 10.

Do your kids see their dad?

I think your idea to enable more of SS’s time with you should just be with his Dad for a bit if that’s possible is a good one.
There is so much here to unpick - the co-parenting with SSMum is just about ok from your posts - but there is clearly not enough communication for consistent boundaries and expectations in the two homes which is a very tricky base to start from.
The children are all quite young - and if SS has been suspended from school,let alone excluded- that is significant in itself.
The ideal would be that SS gets some time occasionally with both you and DH without your children - do they ever go to their Dad’s? For now - most of his time will need to be with his Dad. Perhaps add your son in to activities once things are calmer. Use the time to set expectations with them all about making the effort to get on. Avoid games or other activities that can be a trigger.
If SS seems to be bullying DD, then call him out for sure - but get his Dad to talk to him about it.
You have years of this ahead so it is worth every effort you can make at this point. Good luck 🤞

I don't think that will solve the problem here. The problem for your SS is most likely that his dad spends all his time living with other children and not him. He has a family that his son is not a part of. He needs to have a home that is for him and his son, at least until the son has had a chance to get used to the idea of it all. You have moved very quickly and neither of your children has had a say in the matter. This is the result of that. Move back out, live seperately, see each other a few times a week but don't blend the families until everyone is onboard.

OP if your DP was the one posting I many of us would be telling him that he needs to be more focused on his child. That he needs to live separately and provide a safe space for his son to spend time with him and not dump this struggling boy into someone else's family where he's not fitting in.

OP - how old are the kids....

Do your kids see their dad? if so when?

I often wonder, as there are so many threads on MN about miserable blended families, whether the adults ever actually talk openly and directly about the situation to the children (and other adults in the extended family who, as the threads show, also struggle)?

In your case OP, it seems pointless to impose zero tolerance policies, give the kids time-outs and take one of them home early, when most likely they are just reacting and trying to navigate a huge upheaval in their lives.

(And I know that on MN children are supposed to be resilient and adaptable and just crack on silently and obediently regardless of what might be happening.)

I think you’re a family (or still two very separate families thrust together, by the sounds of it) under significant stress. Multiple stresses! Why are you expecting the children to take responsibility for that by behaving nicely and neatly instead of addressing the problem? What have you done to support them? Do you ever ask them how they feel? How they see mummy’s new man? What might make things easier for them?

Why doesn’t your DH know what’s happening with the autism assessment?

Has he been at every school meeting up to the point of exclusion (was it a fixed term (short) exclusion, or a permanent exclusion? Has he been at every medical meeting? Is he included in every e-mail? If not, he needs to do something about that. As he has parental responsibility he has a legal right to all of the information.

There is absolutely no excuse for your dh not to know exactly what’s going on, and therefore, for you to know too.

If your stepson is autistic there may be different strategies and ways of approaching things with his step siblings that could be helpful.

If your stepson is autistic he may need considerable support with transitions between home and your house, developing relationships, coping with change etc etc etc.

Moving between two houses, accepting both his father’s new relationship with you, and having new step-siblings thrust on him would be challenging for any child. For a potentially autistic child, this will be even more problematic and challenging.

Being excluded from primary school is highly unusual. You and your dh seem to be minimising this and the clear message it sends that your step-son is hugely struggling.

Your children get to live with his dad every day. He gets limited time with him and then has now seen his dad reject him, in favour of his step siblings.

As a couple, you and your DH are getting this terribly wrong for all the children.

Poor kids - all 3 of them. How do you think they will look back at their childhood @Countryrose12 ? Will your children resent you?

Thank you all for your advice and comments. It is clear that more advanced change is needed in the way time is spent with SS and his dad and my children. Big change is needed moving forward.

Thank you .

It doesn't matter who decided it. A child does not get kicked out of their parents house for bad behaviour.

Your H sounds like an incredibly shit dad

I do wonder if it’s that he sees her as getting more time with his dad and she’s thinking ‘he gets all the attention when he’s here’ or something to that effect? Must all be really hard to figure out (for them as well as you)

I also wonder this, they do get one on one time together but he is clearly not happy. @Morepositivemum

Moving forward changes are needed. I thank you for actually being somewhat understanding that it is hard on the kids and myself and Husbund. Empathy goes a long way.

It's really hard for all of you OP but this situation (blending the families at this point) was the choice of you and DH, and perhaps was a well)-intentioned mistake which needs unwinding, not moving forward with.

I think your husband needs to be much more integrated into his son’s care. Primary exclusion is very unusual - he needs to be going to the meetings at school and understand what is going on. And he definitely needs to be up to date on the assessment path.

What does your DD say about it when you ask her why they argue so much?