How do I get my son to open up about being gay?

[Februarygirls]

Hi, really need some advice so I don’t mess this up. Our son is nearly 19 and we’ve had a lot of problems with him over the last 4 years. Behaviour issues at school, bullying, issues at college and issues at home with his behaviour. Using weed a lot. He was diagnosed with autism last year but he’s high functioning. A boy at college said he’d had a relationship with him but when I asked him about it he said he was lying and that he’s not gay. I was doing something on his phone this evening and saw messages between him and another lad saying they’d had a relationship, so it seems he might be. I know I shouldn’t have looked at his messages but I just want to understand him and help him. We’ve had sessions with a counsellor to help us deal with his autism diagnoses and give up ways to help him which has been really beneficial and our relationship with him has definitely improved as a result. Now I need help with this because I don’t want him to think I’m snooping (even though I am I know, but it’s only because I want him to be ok) but I also don’t know how to get him to open up about it. He’s always making jokes about gay people but now I’m wondering if this is to cover things up. He’s very convincing but maybe he’s had to be or maybe it’s part of his neurodiversity, I really don’t know. He’s our eldest and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and feel a bit out of my depth. I just want him to feel he can be honest about who he is and talk to me about it, and most importantly I just want him to be happy.
if anyone has any advice I’d welcome it. For the first time I’m not blundering in talking to him about it, I’m trying to get this right so please be honest with me. If I’m doing something wrong please tell me!
thanks in advance for any help or advice. Is there an advice centre for this kind of thing?

Yes I think the nasty comments are probably coming from people who haven’t been through what you’ve been through. I have had a similar last 4/5 years with my DD who was 19 last week.

If they are happy / functioning normally then no of course you wouldn’t be looking through your 19 year old’s phone. I also wouldn’t look through my 16 year old DS’s phone as I have no cause to, however I completely understand why you did. I would be doing the same if my DC was unhappy and saying their didn’t want to be here (which we did have not so long ago) .

As a parent you just want to understand them better so you can do whatever is in your power to help them.

If it’s a choice better them being here or not being here then any parent would do the same but anyone who has not been in the same position as us couldn’t begin to understand. It’s not a normal parenting situation.

As you say, you can’t admit you did so as some of the more supportive- useful posters have said - I agree that all you can do is model acceptance as I’m sure you do and disagree vocally with his comments re being gay and be supportive.

I know people often harp on about 18/19 being an adult and of course legally they are.. but if you have a ND DS/ DD (my DD is AUDHD and DS is ADHD) then they are often not as mature as others of their age.

I totally understand and think you are doing all you can to support him as any other parent would regardless of what others might say.

And this right here is why people stop asking for help. I already feel like I’ve let him down so much but thanks for making me feel even more shit. I’m just a mum here who loves her son more than anything and is scared to death of losing him because he’s so unhappy as he feels he can’t be honest about who he is. I’m not perfect (is anybody) and I don’t know everything (does anybody) which is why I’m asking for advice BEFORE I do/say anything.

You have completely misunderstood what I’ve said and maybe you should have asked for clarity before laying into me. I was saying that his neurodiversity may have played a part in him being able to cover it up so well, because the counsellor we saw told us that neurodiverse people are good at hiding things because they’ve probably felt like they’ve had to hide the fact that they’re neurodiverse.

Thank you so much. I’m actually sat here crying reading these posts thinking I’m back to being the worst mum in the world. Your message has really helped so thank you. I’ve had very little support over these years and have dealt with so much of this on my own, but this is probably why, because you just get judged and laid into. Makes me not want to ask for help to be honest.

Thank you. This is really helpful.

Yes that’s what I thought when I read your post. I used to post more on here, particularly when my DD had multiple attempts on her life and I was dealing with it alone, but I stopped for exactly this reason. I now ask Chat gpt instead which everyone also gets flamed for but I don’t care about that.

What I care most about is my DD being alive and supporting her in the best way I can to try and help her which is exactly what you are doing too.

Please don’t read or take any stock of the posts on here from people who don’t have any experience of what you are going through. It’s absolutely not a reflection of you or your parenting. You are doing the best you can to support him as any good parent would.

If he has been making jokes about homosexuality to gauge your reaction and you have maybe been laughing along to keep the peace, you might have both unintentionally created a massive barrier to having an honest conversation on the subject.

I don't think you can address that directly now. What you might be able to do, if he makes another joke, is to say something like you had been letting that go in the past but he is old enough now to know those jokes aren't funny and all the other things you want to tell him to reassure him of how you feel about the subject. If he doesn't make another joke you could fib and say you over heard someone making that kind of joke and how glad you are he's grown out of doing that because... And follow up as above.

And please don't let him know you've been through his phone, take that to the grave.

Thank you so much ☺️ I was going to say you’ve no idea how much I needed to read that, but you do know and that’s why you said it, so again, thank you. You’ve saved me today x

Thank you. This is really helpful.

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum. I think you just need to wait it out, he will work through it himself and open up to you when he's ready. In the meantime, you can gently challenge when he makes jokes about gay people - say something like being gay is nothing to be ashamed of and that it's not something to make fun of. Then he well know that you're open minded.

I think it can be tricky to strike the balance of showing that you're open to him being gay while not pushing the topic too much, but that's what you should aim for.
I don't yet know my DS's sexuality, but I just keep things very light and breezy while making it clear that I'm open to whatever he might be, eg if talking about his future home/relationships I might say something like "oh it might annoy your wife or husband if you .............."
or "If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's important to........." blah blah (I can't think of specific examples now of what I've said!)

I think the pressure to 'come out' as a big moment can feel a bit much to some gay people, even if it's received well.

Thank you so much. I think this is the right route to go. It’s what we’ve been doing to be honest but hearing the same advice from others really helps as I didn’t know if it was enough x

Please don’t do anything. A lot of ND kids have no idea how they really identify until later. It’s great that he’s safe with you, but in this situation it’s best that you let him come to you when/if he feels safe and ready - or
not. Also, these days kids are under less pressure to come out because fewer people judge this harshly.

Goodness me let your child find their way.

Absolutely stop looking at his phone, that is completly inappropriate, wrapped up under the guise of concern.

Your son being gay is something he has to figure out by himself and is also not the total sum of his personalty.

Normally I’d say steer well clear and it’s nothing to do with you
but the point is he’s been suicidal and I guess your worry is the fact he could be worked up over his sexuality could be behind and if you could help by reassuring him everything’s ok it could help his MH and reduce the suicide risk

Absolutely no need for a dissusion but if at anytime there seems an opening in a conversation just say straight,gay or bi no issues what ever makes him happy makes your happy and leave it there

listening to mark foster on the radio this morning.
that's interesting.

I don't think you can push teens to open up about their sexuality. All you can do is make it extremely clear that you are fine to the point of indifference about their sexual orientation (provided it's legal) but that you are not fine at all with homophobia.

When he makes jokes about gay people, I'd be tempted to gently say, 'Hey. That's not cool. Don't mock people's sexuality. Being gay is normal and natural for a lot of people.' Or - again gently - when he makes jokes, ask: 'Do you think it's wrong to be gay? Because that's homophobic, and homophobia is not something I can ignore. I feel very strongly that homosexuality is normal and natural for a lot of people, and it upsets me to think I might have raised you to think otherwise.'

What on earth am I reading?!

Stop snooping on your adult son and stop checking his phone. Why were you talking to a boy about his sexuality??

I can't tell if you really want him to be gay or really don't want him to be gay but, ultimately, it's none of your business!

Your daughter is an adult woman.

Stop going through her phone!

@JoyousOpalLemurwhere did I say I did? I suggest you stop derailing the thread. I was supporting the OP which is why she came on here in the first place but I can see why people hesitate to post on here looking for support.

I’m not snooping, I was doing something completely legit on his phone that he was aware I was doing and I happened to see a message.

I haven’t spoken to any boy about his sexuality, where have you got that from?

You can’t tell whether I want him to be gay or straight because I don’t care either way. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy, but he’s spent the last 4 years in turmoil and if this is part of the reason, I want to do everything I can to help him through it so he’s not in turmoil and comfortable with who he is.

I’m learning that my only crime here is wanting to make everything ok for him when really all I can do is be there for him and help him if and when he asks for it.

Instead of misconstruing everything, maybe you have some helpful advice given you’re quite clearly a perfect parent.

"A boy at college said he’d had a relationship with him but when I asked him about it he said he was lying and that he’s not gay."

I was told that by a teacher, so the only person I asked about it was my son. There was more to it so I had to speak to him about it.

Thank you. It’s really helpful to hear this.

Never said it was. Perhaps you haven’t experienced parenting a neurodiverse child who has also suffered with depression and anxiety (I certainly hope you haven’t because it’s incredibly hard and heartbreaking), but when you throw these things in it’s complicated. If he wasn’t struggling in other ways this would be a lot easier and also if I didn’t think he was struggling with this it would be easier too. I think you’re right though I do have to let him find his own way, but that’s exactly why I came here and asked for advice.

DS2 has a boyfriend. He is also autistic and ADHD. He has never ‘come out’ and I don’t think he should think he should have to because of an assumption of heterosexuality. I always knew but never pushed the issue and we have gradually reached a point over the months where it’s just common knowledge and its normality is understood without a big conversation. We have only ever referred to his being gay overtly in relation to visiting his granddad (what to say if he asks if he has a girlfriend) and wanting his boyfriend to come along to outing with ex (without having to overtly tell ex he is his boyfriend). Ex brings along his new girlfriends to meet ups with DS2 and introduces them as a friend so the same rules apply. His boyfriend also does not feel compelled to ‘come out’ to relatives that query why such a handsome man does not have a girlfiend.

I am so pleased that DS2 has found someone he is happy with - his social and personal independence skills have increased exponentially. To me this is the mark of a good partner - they give you the confidence and freedom to be your best self. He’s still the same person as he ever was - he needed my acceptance far less than he needed to accept himself but my unquestioning acceptance was key to accepting himself iykwim