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Original poster

How do I get my son to open up about being gay?

55 replies

Februarygirls · 03/07/2026 22:42

Hi, really need some advice so I don’t mess this up. Our son is nearly 19 and we’ve had a lot of problems with him over the last 4 years. Behaviour issues at school, bullying, issues at college and issues at home with his behaviour. Using weed a lot. He was diagnosed with autism last year but he’s high functioning. A boy at college said he’d had a relationship with him but when I asked him about it he said he was lying and that he’s not gay. I was doing something on his phone this evening and saw messages between him and another lad saying they’d had a relationship, so it seems he might be. I know I shouldn’t have looked at his messages but I just want to understand him and help him. We’ve had sessions with a counsellor to help us deal with his autism diagnoses and give up ways to help him which has been really beneficial and our relationship with him has definitely improved as a result. Now I need help with this because I don’t want him to think I’m snooping (even though I am I know, but it’s only because I want him to be ok) but I also don’t know how to get him to open up about it. He’s always making jokes about gay people but now I’m wondering if this is to cover things up. He’s very convincing but maybe he’s had to be or maybe it’s part of his neurodiversity, I really don’t know. He’s our eldest and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and feel a bit out of my depth. I just want him to feel he can be honest about who he is and talk to me about it, and most importantly I just want him to be happy.
if anyone has any advice I’d welcome it. For the first time I’m not blundering in talking to him about it, I’m trying to get this right so please be honest with me. If I’m doing something wrong please tell me!
thanks in advance for any help or advice. Is there an advice centre for this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 14:17

rwalker · 04/07/2026 10:16

Normally I’d say steer well clear and it’s nothing to do with you
but the point is he’s been suicidal and I guess your worry is the fact he could be worked up over his sexuality could be behind and if you could help by reassuring him everything’s ok it could help his MH and reduce the suicide risk

Absolutely no need for a dissusion but if at anytime there seems an opening in a conversation just say straight,gay or bi no issues what ever makes him happy makes your happy and leave it there

Yes that’s exactly my worry. Not that he could be gay, but how he’s coping with it all. I’m going to do as you and others have suggested though. Thank you for the advice and for understanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 14:22

Tonissister · 04/07/2026 10:27

I don't think you can push teens to open up about their sexuality. All you can do is make it extremely clear that you are fine to the point of indifference about their sexual orientation (provided it's legal) but that you are not fine at all with homophobia.

When he makes jokes about gay people, I'd be tempted to gently say, 'Hey. That's not cool. Don't mock people's sexuality. Being gay is normal and natural for a lot of people.' Or - again gently - when he makes jokes, ask: 'Do you think it's wrong to be gay? Because that's homophobic, and homophobia is not something I can ignore. I feel very strongly that homosexuality is normal and natural for a lot of people, and it upsets me to think I might have raised you to think otherwise.'

Thank you. This is good advice.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 04/07/2026 14:26

Stop treating it as a thing he needs to tell you. He likes who he likes. Don't make a big thing of it but push back on the gay jokes. 'Why do you say gay like it's a bad thing? People can love whoever they want.' 'Why is gay an insult?'

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Pieandchips999 · 04/07/2026 14:31

Essentially I came to say what @Tonissister said. You can't make him come out but you can show you are supportive. It's likely to help with his mental health if he feels confident to say. Also it's possible he isn't sure yet. To come out to you he needs to be comfortable with his own sexuality and how anyone you tell may react. You can also emphasise in general that you love and support him and he can talk to you about things in private

Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 14:36

PocketSand · 04/07/2026 13:39

DS2 has a boyfriend. He is also autistic and ADHD. He has never ‘come out’ and I don’t think he should think he should have to because of an assumption of heterosexuality. I always knew but never pushed the issue and we have gradually reached a point over the months where it’s just common knowledge and its normality is understood without a big conversation. We have only ever referred to his being gay overtly in relation to visiting his granddad (what to say if he asks if he has a girlfriend) and wanting his boyfriend to come along to outing with ex (without having to overtly tell ex he is his boyfriend). Ex brings along his new girlfriends to meet ups with DS2 and introduces them as a friend so the same rules apply. His boyfriend also does not feel compelled to ‘come out’ to relatives that query why such a handsome man does not have a girlfiend.

I am so pleased that DS2 has found someone he is happy with - his social and personal independence skills have increased exponentially. To me this is the mark of a good partner - they give you the confidence and freedom to be your best self. He’s still the same person as he ever was - he needed my acceptance far less than he needed to accept himself but my unquestioning acceptance was key to accepting himself iykwim

That is incredibly helpful, thank you for sharing so honestly.

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