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Original poster

How do I get my son to open up about being gay?

55 replies

Februarygirls · 03/07/2026 22:42

Hi, really need some advice so I don’t mess this up. Our son is nearly 19 and we’ve had a lot of problems with him over the last 4 years. Behaviour issues at school, bullying, issues at college and issues at home with his behaviour. Using weed a lot. He was diagnosed with autism last year but he’s high functioning. A boy at college said he’d had a relationship with him but when I asked him about it he said he was lying and that he’s not gay. I was doing something on his phone this evening and saw messages between him and another lad saying they’d had a relationship, so it seems he might be. I know I shouldn’t have looked at his messages but I just want to understand him and help him. We’ve had sessions with a counsellor to help us deal with his autism diagnoses and give up ways to help him which has been really beneficial and our relationship with him has definitely improved as a result. Now I need help with this because I don’t want him to think I’m snooping (even though I am I know, but it’s only because I want him to be ok) but I also don’t know how to get him to open up about it. He’s always making jokes about gay people but now I’m wondering if this is to cover things up. He’s very convincing but maybe he’s had to be or maybe it’s part of his neurodiversity, I really don’t know. He’s our eldest and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and feel a bit out of my depth. I just want him to feel he can be honest about who he is and talk to me about it, and most importantly I just want him to be happy.
if anyone has any advice I’d welcome it. For the first time I’m not blundering in talking to him about it, I’m trying to get this right so please be honest with me. If I’m doing something wrong please tell me!
thanks in advance for any help or advice. Is there an advice centre for this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 04/07/2026 00:43

For a start, stop looking at his phone. That’s a massive overstep and a total invasion of his privacy.

if he doesn’t want to talk to you about his personal life, then that’s up to him.

I would concentrate on just generally improving communication. perhaps encourage him to go for short walks with you and just chat while you’re walking, without any agenda.

IrnBruAndDietCoke · 04/07/2026 01:07

Oh God I would have died at that age if my mum knew what I was doing with girls! I couldn’t talk to her about it. I just couldn’t. Her dropping hints in a jokey way suggesting I was a lesbian just made it even more impossible to talk about it.
He’ll tell you in his own time.

PollyBell · 04/07/2026 01:11

Why does he have too? His sexuality is none of your business and not your hobby

I know it is a popular thing these days to attach one's self to a label but he is who he is accept that and move on

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19 years old Families General parenting
Icecreamisthebest · 04/07/2026 01:20

Don’t focus on this one thing that is just a small part of who he is. Focus on a strong connection between you generally.

He will talk to you when he is ready. In the meantime model acceptance and inclusivity of all kinds of people including those with different ethnic backgrounds and sexualities.

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/07/2026 01:25

Speaking from experience you just have to wait it out. Make sure they know you love and support them in all parts of their life. If you get the opportunity to make a comment supporting a gay man then do so lightly just so they know you are support active.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/07/2026 01:39

He’s an adult.

You should a) absolutely not be looking at his phone any more and b) keep your beak out re his sexuality.

If he wants to ‘open up’ he will. But it’s entirely his business and none of yours.

BoredZelda · 04/07/2026 01:48

PollyBell · 04/07/2026 01:11

Why does he have too? His sexuality is none of your business and not your hobby

I know it is a popular thing these days to attach one's self to a label but he is who he is accept that and move on

This. At some point he will bring someone home to meet you, or tell you about a guy he is seeing. And you’ll say “lovely to meet you” and ask how they met etc. It doesn’t have to be a Big Thing.

crackofdoom · 04/07/2026 01:55

I'd come down hard on the homophobic jokes mind you.

"That's an unacceptable thing to say, there's nothing wrong with being gay!"

Other than that just make neutral noises I suppose. Shame that he feels he has to deny his sexuality in 2026.

Wreckinball · 04/07/2026 01:57

Next time he jokes about gays say something along the lines of being gay is fine and see where that takes you- it may not be immediate but at least you’ll have just told him he’s accepted

FlapperFlamingo · 04/07/2026 02:03

Stop looking at his phone and trying to work him out. If he’s gay then so what? Nothing changes and whether he is gay or not is up to him. I wouldn’t even try to find out.

If he makes comments/jokes about being gay I would say something like “that’s not nice and it doesn’t matter whether someone is gay or not so please don’t joke about it”.

SunsetDrifter · 04/07/2026 02:09

Christ going into a 19 year old's messages, what on earth are you thinking??? If he wants to tell you he is gay he will, if he doesn't well he doesn't have to, he's probably still trying to figure it out anyway. At 19 I was living away from home and my parent's had no idea what I was up to or who I was seeing, I was an adult by that point and didn't have to share my private life with them. Just respect his privacy, he doesn't need you up in his business, just leave the man alone, he will share as and when he is ready. I don't understand why it is such a big thing anyway? Gay or straight it makes 0 difference to you who he dates besides.

TheM55 · 04/07/2026 02:15

Some good answers here from @Wreckinball and @crackofdoom . Other than that don't give it another thought. And don't look at his phone, he is 19, not 13. They tell you when they are ready to do so, and it really doesn't matter anyway (although I have an interesting "do you think Grandad knows I am gay" type discussion at one point) Mainly a non-event though.

Chickadee26 · 04/07/2026 02:48

I wouldn't say anything, if he wants to he will do so when he's ready.

Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 07:58

PollyBell · 04/07/2026 01:11

Why does he have too? His sexuality is none of your business and not your hobby

I know it is a popular thing these days to attach one's self to a label but he is who he is accept that and move on

I think that’s a bit harsh. What makes you think I think if it ‘as my hobby’ or that I need to ‘move on’. You’ve no idea what we’ve been through with him these past four years. The times he’s told me he wishes he wasn’t alive anymore. I’ve been so scared of losing him and now I’m wondering if this has been part of the problem. I couldn’t care less if he likes boys, girls, both or neither, but I do care if this is what has been making him so unhappy he’s thought about taking his own life. That’s why I’m asking for advice, thankfully others have been helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 08:05

SunsetDrifter · 04/07/2026 02:09

Christ going into a 19 year old's messages, what on earth are you thinking??? If he wants to tell you he is gay he will, if he doesn't well he doesn't have to, he's probably still trying to figure it out anyway. At 19 I was living away from home and my parent's had no idea what I was up to or who I was seeing, I was an adult by that point and didn't have to share my private life with them. Just respect his privacy, he doesn't need you up in his business, just leave the man alone, he will share as and when he is ready. I don't understand why it is such a big thing anyway? Gay or straight it makes 0 difference to you who he dates besides.

His sexuality isn’t a big deal, his happiness is and if hiding it is making him anxious and therefore unhappy then that’s a problem. With all the other issues he’s had he isn’t the same as most other 19 year olds, he couldn’t live on his own for starters. He’s also talked about taking his own life in the past and has suffered with depression and still suffers with anxiety. The thought of your child feeling like that and thinking of those things makes you do things you know aren’t ok, but if it’s a choice between invading his privacy and losing him, I’ll take the first option every time.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/07/2026 08:08

At his age, you don't need to know. Just love and respect him as your son, and keep out of his personal life.

He'll tell you, when and if he wants to.

bigsoftcocks · 04/07/2026 08:14

”it might be part of his neurodivergence “ WTF ?

do you think it’s a side effect of being autistic? Do you think it’s a phase?

Have you done any research at all about what it means to be autistic?

Are you aware that it’s highly genetic and it’s likely you or his father are also autistic?

He’s 19 he will tell you if and when he’s ready.

giving you the benefit of the doubt, He may be quiet about it because that’s who he is, private. Or just any reason.

step back. Several hundred steps.

Original poster
Februarygirls · 04/07/2026 08:16

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/07/2026 01:25

Speaking from experience you just have to wait it out. Make sure they know you love and support them in all parts of their life. If you get the opportunity to make a comment supporting a gay man then do so lightly just so they know you are support active.

Thank you for this. Really appreciate the support and advice. I’m a mum that has been through hell and back these past four years and spend half my life judging myself thinking I’ve let him down in one way or another, it’s nice to hear supportive words without judgement. The nasty comments on here almost put me off being honest and asking for advice, but if I stop trying to help him then I’m letting him down even more. I know he’s an adult but it goes against every fibre of your being to see your child unhappy and not try and do something about it.

OP posts:
Rubyslipperswitch · 04/07/2026 08:18

He is an adult! stop looking at his phone or trying to force him to 'come out'...

He will share this with you when he is ready.

Just keep loving him and being there for him.

I know you are concerned for his mental health and well being but offering a supportive environment at home, helping access counselling and keeping an eye on whether he is taking any medication prescribed is what you need to focus on.

MagicThanks · 04/07/2026 08:18

I don’t think you can make him. Pick him up when he says homophobic things, say that it’s ok to be gay and gay people deserve pride and respect. Other than that, love him and make space for him to tell you when he’s ready.

sesquipedalian · 04/07/2026 08:21

OP, just leave him alone. He should know if you’re accepting of gay relationships - one of my DC once said to me, “It really wouldn’t have bothered you if one of us were gay, would it?” - none of them are, but she was right. So make it clear that as far as you’re concerned, any sort of love between two consenting adults is a good thing, and leave it to him to broach the subject if and when he wants to. Trying to force it will just put unwelcome pressure on him.

Tillow4ever · 04/07/2026 08:21

bigsoftcocks · 04/07/2026 08:14

”it might be part of his neurodivergence “ WTF ?

do you think it’s a side effect of being autistic? Do you think it’s a phase?

Have you done any research at all about what it means to be autistic?

Are you aware that it’s highly genetic and it’s likely you or his father are also autistic?

He’s 19 he will tell you if and when he’s ready.

giving you the benefit of the doubt, He may be quiet about it because that’s who he is, private. Or just any reason.

step back. Several hundred steps.

I read that part as meaning the jokes he’s been making. OP isn’t sure if he’s doing it to cover up his sexual identity or if it’s part of his ND brain thinking it’s ok to make gay jokes because he is gay.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/07/2026 08:26

I agree with PP. His sex life is none of your business.

I would however pull him up on any homophobic comments. Just say he sounds childish and there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

MyThreeWords · 04/07/2026 08:28

I can understand why you are anxious about this, given his vulnerabilities. But I really think you need to back off from this completely. Just work on your relationship generally, maintaining lines of connection so that he knows he can discuss whatever he wants with you.

Doing anything more active is likely to close down connection, not open it up. It isn't a mother's role to be active in this area of their child's life.

The only caution I would have is that autism may make your son more vulnerable to pressures from others, including sexual pressures.

LondonCheesecake · 04/07/2026 08:29

I can hear that you're worried about your ds and want to support him. The best way you can do that is to improve your relationship with him, spend time together doing something he likes and ask questions about topics that interest him. As he's now an adult you should be moving towards treating him move as a friend/ equal. You wouldn't check a friend's phone, so don't check his, if he finds out it's a huge breech of trust and will do huge damage to your relationship.

As for being gay, maybe he is, maybe he was just experimenting, only he knows and maybe even he doesn't right now. I don't share with my dc who I've had sex with and I don't expect them to tell me who they shag either. Make sure you don't laugh at homophobic jokes and understand this part of his life is off limits for now