not normally a name changer, even for the really bad stuff! but this is so awful, i am too ashamed.
when ds1 was born i had VERY bad pnd, bordering on psychosis. i yelled at him that i wanted him to die and that i hated him and wished id had an abortion and i hoped id find him dead in the morning.
however, bad as it was, i got through it so if anyone is lurking who has said things like that but is too ashamed to post - you arent mad and you arent bad and you can get through it.