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Original poster

Does anyone who has had some sort of difficult/abusive upbringing ever worry about the type of person they could become?

40 replies

foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 19:48

This isn't a huge worry of mine but it has always been a niggle. I remember we had a thread like this a while back but I couldn't find it!

What concerns me are all the reports you see of these dreadful criminals/abusers and then the professionals saying that a lot of them were abused themselves and while every person who has been abused doesn't necessarily become an abuser, it often follows that those who do have been abused in the past themselves.

I see myself as a totally normal human being but when asked by GPs/consultants about any mental health problems in my family, I feel obliged to tell all (long history of it) and I often feel that from that point onwards, I am being looked at through different eyes (iyswim) and that really pisses me off!

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HappyMumof2 · 14/09/2006 19:56

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HappyMumof2 · 14/09/2006 19:56

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Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 19:57

what do you mean?

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Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 19:57

oh ok (phew!!)

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HappyMumof2 · 14/09/2006 19:59

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FioFio · 14/09/2006 20:01

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Nemo1977 · 14/09/2006 20:02

foxinsocks constantly worry about this myself..was abused as child in variety of ways and do worry about doing the same or passing on some of it to my children. It causes me a lot of mental anguish and is one of the reasons I suffer depression as I worry about worrying and trying to work out how to handle different scenarios etc.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:06

thanks fio (don't worry happymumof2)

it is pigeonholing and I do hate it - I also feel that someone who perhaps wasn't as strong would be totally belittled by people like GPs implying there was something wrong just because of their past

I am finding it harder as I get older and see other friends who have lovely families and then I realise that mine will probably always rely on me and not the other way round iyswim

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FioFio · 14/09/2006 20:07

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Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:07

yes nemo - I do worry about 'passing' it on to the kids. I can see how that would easily lead to you feeling depressed. It's that awful feeling that no matter what you do, you can't escape your past.

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Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:09

I know it sounds so trite and awful but I do wish sometimes that I could have just had a normal, proper family that did normal things and loved and cared like normal people did

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Nemo1977 · 14/09/2006 20:11

completely entitled to wish you had a normal life..I wish it everyday but then also think I wouldnt be the person I am now and despite the crap am probably a stronger person than I give myself credit for.

foundintranslation · 14/09/2006 20:15

I have a pretty messed up, very controlling mother with a penchant for serious emotional blackmail and every now and then I see bits of her (the way she reacts to things, etc.) in me. I hate hate hate it when that happens. She made me deeply unhappy, both when growing up and during/after cutting me out of her life, and I really do not want to be like that.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:15

yes that's true actually - normally I'm quite a positive thinker but I sometimes find it painful when we now do 'normal' things as a family (i.e. me, dh and kids) because it makes me realise how totally abnormal my family were!

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from depression nemo.

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foundintranslation · 14/09/2006 20:16

FIS, I get pretty sad and wistful when around friends' fabulous parents.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:18

poor you FIT - must have been hard when you were cut out of her life

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WigWamBam · 14/09/2006 20:20

I was abused by my mother (physically, verbally and emotionally), and also sexually abused by my grandfather. It affected me deeply, and made me the person that I am - but what it hasn't made me is an abuser. It's made me determined never to put my child through what I went through.

I refuse to dwell on it most of the time; the abuse doesn't define me as a person - I won't let it. And it certainly doesn't define me as a mother. I didn't have a normal childhood, but that doesn't mean I can't be a normal adult, a normal parent.

Sometimes I hear myself raising my voice to my dd and panic that I'm turning into my mother - but I'm not her, and I don't operate along the same lines. I love my dd, I'm not afraid to show it - and that makes me and my mother very different. I also respect her, and that makes a whole lot of difference too.

Sometimes I think that we indulge abusers in too many excuses - he had a bad childhood so it's understandable that he's going to abuse his own children. It may be a reason, but it's not an acceptable excuse in my book. Accepting that abusers go on to abuse can lead to people feeling they have the right to abuse, or that they can continue to feel like a victim even when they become the perpetrator. It can also mask the real reasons why people abuse - control, fear, power. There was no question of me not breaking the pattern ... I know what it feels like to be abused and belittled; I want better for my dd. Plus I want better for me, I don't want to ruin my present and my future by allowing the past to impinge on it.

foundintranslation · 14/09/2006 20:21

It was a nightmare FIS - she did it (6 years ago now) because I refused to leave dh who wasn't 'suitable' in her eyes. I'm trying to rebuild the relationship atm for ds' sake, but she is showing so little interest and is still so full of bitterness. It's like she's really indulging herself somehow iykwim? Whatever bits of her I have in me, I really don't think I'm capable of holding an unwavering grudge against my own child for 6 years.
I've just had 2 miscarriages in 2 cycles and God I missed having a mother.
Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant.

WeaselMum · 14/09/2006 20:22

I had this worry for a long time. Felt that I might become quite emotionally absent like my mother, or actually abusive like my father - but everything I have ever read about this says that if you recognise and understand what happened to you as a child, the cycle will be broken. You will always be aware of the way you are with your children. I still get a bit and wistful when with with my MIL and FIL - dp had such a great family life and thought everyone did! That's what I want for our ds . WWB, you said it really well.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:30

WWB - you sound fab and very in control. I think probably part of my problem is that I ran away from what happened to me. Just sort of filed it away as an 'experience' and was never forced to deal with it once I left. Now, as an adult, having my own children, it's suddenly brought it all back and I find myself asking questions like 'why did it happen' etc.

FIT - rant away. You poor thing, how awful. But controlling people are just like that aren't they . She obviously only feels better herself by being able to belittle you and that must be very hard for you.

weasel - how lovely of your dp and I would love my own children to be able to say that aswell!

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NotAnOtter · 14/09/2006 20:32

want to reply but drained after 'the other'thread but 'yes ' i do worry

WigWamBam · 14/09/2006 20:34

FIS, I'm in control now (most of the time!) but it took me a long, long time to get here. And I've probably only been this way since I had dd - I'd come to terms with it all before I had her, I think, but it was only having dd that brought it home to me just how different things could (should!) be.

Dd is probably very lucky that I had her so late in life; heaven knows how much I would have screwed her up if I'd had her when I was young and hadn't sorted my head out.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:39

well done you wwb. Would you mind me asking if you had counselling as part of the process of dealing with it all?

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Nemo1977 · 14/09/2006 20:41

FIS I did exactly same as you swept it under carpet etc but when I had ds we stayed with my mum and SD on xmas night and I felt like a caged animal then a couple of weeks later the depression kicked in. At first was told was normal pnd etc but then got flashbacks and realised what had happened. Hence nearly 3yrs on still have the depression but I am also trying to work through the stuff to get myself settled with whats happened and to not put any of my stuff onto the children.

Original poster
foxinsocks · 14/09/2006 20:44

how awful nemo - the fact that you had to go back there. Are you having counselling now?

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